Sobbing - is anyone out there ? Iam so desparate and miserable and lonely

[lisalisa]

I feel so empty. The only thing I have in my life is 5 wonderful well adjusted kids who I adore and adore me.

I have a very bad marriage - emotionally barren and devoid of any kind of contact - physical or emotional. Sometimes the lon=iliness and pain is so great I feel as if I will burst. Dh is nogt a friend to me 0 - just someone who criticses me and puts me down.

I have no real life close frineds to confide in - all apart fron one or tow childhood frineds thqat i do'nt see any more are mutual good time friends based on school kids friendships of our dcs and socail life. nOE of them I would ever tqalk to. Have spoken to some over the years and cuased enormoous social anguish and awkiardness - it's just not that kind of social circle where one bares one's soul - its all about how well we are doig blah balh ablah.

Parents are crap - my dad is lovely but unable to support e at all. My mum is difficult and nasty at time s - no support.

I really dont' have anyone in the world. At all. Apart from my kids it kind of occurs to me that no-one would carfe whether I even was here tomorrow or not. So miseralbe. So desparate.

The diffiuclt y of looking after 5 kids alone - of course he's going to pay gtricks wit the money and bugger off abroad where he came rom as its cheaper to live ( he said hwe would if we spolit ) and trying to work kwill probalby put me in an early grave anyway.

When I think back to life just 20 yrs ago - had a uni degree, on course to be a lawyer, world ahead of me. now - i've got nothing and no-one practually who cares about me. so lonly

[NorkyButNice]

I'm here and happy to listen/talk - I'm sorry you are feeling so low at the moment, but how wonderful that you have 5 well adjusted kids who love you.

What do you think could change in your life to make things better? Are these things achievable if you take things one step at a time?

I'm sorry that I don't know you or your story at all - don't feel like I'm being much help!

[solo]

Hey lisalisa.
It sounds as though you are having a really crap time, I'm so sorry...
I think you need to have a chat with your doctor and maybe get a referal to a counsellor - at least you'd be able to off load to someone in real life.
How old are your children?

[charliecat]

Oh your marriage sounds very sad
You have something. You have those 5 lovely kids.
Is there an rescuing your marriage?
You only get one life.

[lisalisa]

Thanks norky - no sotry as such - just an empty marriage - as someone who used to have a great relationship with my parents and lots og good frineds I am jusgt s=tarving for love and affection. the adult kind. It's so long ( if ever) that i felt my dh really loves me or cares what happens to me i cna't tqke it anymore. the pain of loneliness and aloneness is actually so bad its crushing me and making me feel i can't breathe. I don't even hate dh - i just dont' want to be with him any more.

[lisalisa]

You know what I really need? A hug. from an adult wholoves and cares about me. its been so long. just a bit of affection. you're right i need to offload and see someone - I'm actually feeling abit funny tongiht - i can't seem to stop crying hystereically.charliecat could plod on for another 20 yrs but loneliness is geting to me and makine me desparate and fat - i'm comfort eating. i couldnt' support kids emotioanlly either - they're bound to be v mucked up. in our culture everyone has dadsaround - they will be odd and feel odd.

[littleshebear]

So sorry you feel so bad. Are you on the verge of splitting up, so is the situation at home about to change, or does a decision still have to be made?If you have 5 children ( I have 4) you will be exhausted anyway without anything extra. I would say, focus on your children. Being a good mother to them is a fantastic achievement. But if you are so miserable something has to change.

[charliecat]

Awwww if it is any use.
Your kids would be ok you know. They really would.
You certainly wouldnt be the first. And I doubt all your friends/aquaintances/neighbours are living a Oh So happy life either.
They too will be putting on an act for you/the doctor/the shop keeper and the clique.
I could have plodded on too. But it was killing me.
Is there any pulling back into the marriage? If DH thought you would leave would it make him sit up and realise?

[lisalisa]

Thanks everyone for your support last night....barely slept and feel like shit this morning.

he did sit up and realise when we had the last very bad fight - we had seroius didsucssions and he prmosed to get better and improve. He did for a week. I honesty don't think this will ever improve. I wonder whether its worth staying the course till youngest ds ( who is nearly 3) is much older - I'm thinking 18 yrs old ish. We're going to start leading separate lives in pracatice in any case - to some extent it has started happening - we go out separately more and more and no longer plan things together. Any days out we do spend together are spend with us busy with kids separately. Was really bad on sunday - took the kids to park with water play and we even sat on separate benches whilst they played. I can see that our upcoming holiday will just be more of the same ( separate thread on htat). Just feel so lonely ( although slightly less hysterical than last night ) and wonder why I was picked to have such a bad married life.....

[whooosh]

Oh Lisa-I don't think another 15yrs of this sort of life is the answer-I have no answers but can you really take being as miserable as you are for another 15yrs?
Assuming you live in the UK-"In our culture everyone has dads around" -isn't the case.British culture these days really is incredibly diverse.If you lived within a very strict and closed community I can understand this being the case but in your situation?

These 5 great kids of yours will only continue to be well adjusted and happy if you are and can support them-you and they deserve that.

I wish I had some answers for you but I think starting with the GP is probably a good move.

[onlyjoking9329]

sorry to see you are feeling so alone and unloved.
I would say life is too short to stay somewhere you are not happy, we can all get stuck in a rut of apathy and boredom but this sound like so much more than that.
You say you wouldn't manage on your own with 5 kids but it looks to me that you are mostly doing that now.
You deserve to be happy and the kids deserve to see you happy too.
the loneliness and responsibility of being the sole parent is bloody hard, but living existing like you are sounds so much harder.
Sorry if this sounds blunt, it makes me sad to see people in relationships that are damaging.

[Fimbo]

Lisa so sorry you are feeling like this.

My bil and sil almost split up 4 years ago, my bil stayed because he couldn't bare to see his dc hurt (they have 3). One of my nephews is almost 14 and to a certain extent apart from meals/sleeping doesn't really spend much time with his parents, the others will follow suit too.

My bil and sil never seem that happy and we think when the last child has flown the nest they will split up.

Personally dh and I think they would have been better to split when they were going to. They both could have built much happier lives for themselves.

I hope you manage to get some rest today.

[lisalisa]

Thanks everyone - better not cry at work...so chin up ....may not p[ost much during hte day as to scared i'll cry - but I'm reading everyingn...

[TotalChaos]

not got time to do a proper thought out reply - but very sorry you feel this low. I think I have a little idea as to the religious/professional problems. Professionally - it is a hard profession -in that resilience is a prize quality - the "face" is all important. Religionwise - we come from a roughly similar background, but I suspect yours was more observant - when I was growing up divorced parents were unusual - until kids started hitting late teens - when there were a rash of divorces amongst the parents of kids I was at school with - can't be a coincidence with the timing - so you will almost certainly not be the only parent in your community struggling in an unsatisfactory relationshipl, though people won't admit to it. Would you feel any comfort in talking things through with a religious leader/their wife, to talk about it in a religious context, or would an independent counsellor be preferable?

[quinne]

Lisa, I am so sorry.
You can't leave it like this though. Think of this as the low point and from here on it will get better. First you have to make yourself strong. You sound depressed. Go see a doctor and make sure (s)he understands how you feel. If you are depressed drugs and counseling will help you get on the right track to becoming a stronger person.
Even if you are not depressed then you still need to strengthen yourself. Irrespective of your responsibilities, you NEED some time out to care for yourself. So take it.
Then when you are up to it, start to tackle your marital problems, which means counseling I'm afraid.

Those people who play oneupmanship... maybe they are socially aspiring b**tches without a touch of humanity, but not all of them, surely? I would bet that they all have feelings of inadequacy too and just put on a show to hide it. Look again and see if you can find a decent one amongst them. If you can then try to make friends.
Or if you have a sister, maybe she will give you some emotional support.
The thing to keep hold of is that the solution is out there, but it will only reveal itself a little at a time, you just need to look for it and not lose hope.

[legalalien]

lisalisa - really sorry that you are feeling this way. I was in a similar place (absent cultural issues and four of the kids) when I first posted on mumsnet, but things are gradually improving. On the loneliness front I have met a couple of good people through this site and it has definitely inspired me to make more of an effort to "bare all" with the few RL adult friends that I do have.

I am a good listener, so if you're up for coffee or lunch and a hug from a stranger (putting myself out here as am not a huggy kind of person) I'm happy to dash across the city to wherever you are (I know that sounds a bit weird, but figure there's no harm in putting myself out on a limb). just say the word!

[tab1]

from another perspective, I grew up with parents who had already agreed to divorce when i was 18 (which they did), they thought i knew nothing and rarely argued infront of me, but i knew things weren't normal at home and worried that they hated each other and worried too much for a kid, i hated going on holiday and seeing my parents sitting apart ignoring each other and it made me insecure. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm just saying that staying together isn't always best for the kids, it was the worst decision for me and i wish my parents had split up straight away and been happy parents separately.

[ShirleyValentine77]

Hi Lisa, I couldnt read and not post. I feel so desperatly sorry for you. Its such a shame when relationships break down and you sound like you are really going through the mill. And he is not helping in any shape or form if he is constantly putting you down. Why on earth has he turned into this bully? If he continues at this rate you are not going to have any self esteem left. You need to regain your power. You need to become strong. Stronger emotionally than him. Don't take his words to heart, he is obviously angry and upset. But if he is making you suffer so much then what kind of man is he? He doesnt deserve to be with you, or your children.

You on the other hand can do so much better. You are obviously intelligent and a good mother. You have everything going for you & you know you shouldn't be putting yourself through this. Its not good for you!

You both need a break from each other. If you asked him would he move out for a few weeks? You never know, perhaps a good shove out the door and a few weeks on his own with NO contact from you and he will realise he has been a total idiot. Perhaps he needs to go through a breakup before he realises how much he loves you? How much he has completely unappreciated your lives together? But by then you will be feeling liberated and enjoying your singledom life with your wonderful kids, and probably wont want a reconciliation.

I am going through something similar but not as constant. ie. its swings and roundabouts, one week we're deeply in love and the next he is a nightmare, cue full meltdown where he turns into a a savage dog and I want to move out and tell myself life is too short. But like I say, its up and down and I guess that is life and most marriages take working at. But if it was bad all the time, I'd have to make a plan to break up - short term at least.

Be strong, get some fire in your belly.

x

[Elephantjuice]

Lisa, I don't have any useful advice about your marriage situation but just wanted to say that if I lived near you I would definitely want to be a proper friend to you! You sound open and lovely. There ARE defintely women who want to form deep friendships and not just get stuck on the small talk, everything's perfect level. I can't be bothered with people who make it clear that's a far as it goes. What's the point? So please don't give up on the people around you. There are people out there who want to see the real you, even if you have painful things you want to talk about. I hope you can find a friend like that.

[legalalien]

just wanted to say hope you are feeling OK / better this evening

[omy]

Lisa - it's great that you have posted how you feel - the first step to getting some help! Don't try to cope on your own - you need (and deserve) some support!!! Keep asking for help and help will come - lovely legalalien for one!!!

[lisalisa]

Still reading but not posting cos at work....such lovely words rom everyone...i wish i had more people in my life like yuo all....

[TheFallenMadonna]

Lisa - I'm so sorry to read your posts.

Is moving on an option at all in your community? Or do you need to find a life for yourself inside this marriage, as it were?

[Twinkie1]

lisalisa - where are you - I am sure there are some mumsnetters nearby who can come and give you a hug, a shoulder to cry on and some tea and sympathy.

Make something happen though - change your life abd your DCs life for the better - they deserve and need to see how parents are supposed to act with each other - their relationships as they grow will be based on how they see you act and what they are learning at the moment isn;t right.

I am in N E Essex if that is near or can get into London if needs be.

[legalalien]

Honestly - coffee? I am on my notice period so have plenty of opportunity for meet ups!