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Is anyone a grown-up step-child? Do you find it rather crappy?

(28 Posts)
Pruners Mon 28-Jul-08 23:37:06

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BrownSuga Tue 29-Jul-08 00:43:46

I know what you mean. My mother has just remarried a year ago, i'm same age as you. It's all a bit strange. We've only met him 3 times (I live o/s), and find him more obnoxious each time. DH and I are adamant we won't have them stay again, and won't stay with them. Mother says she ADORES him, yes but would she if he was a refuse collector from the arse end of nowhere.

BrownSuga Tue 29-Jul-08 00:45:32

And Dad, he's my stepdad, but he just tootles along, and has a weird living arrangement with my exAunt (divorced from my mothers brother a long time ago) who he dated for a bit and bought a house with, but the broke up and couldn't afford to buy each other out, so live together still as housemates!

thornrose Tue 29-Jul-08 00:48:40

Well, my stepfather is same age as me which is a struggle blush lots of people congratulate me and say how fab it is that my mum has such a young husband but it's not somehow!
Anyway, they're in the process of splitting up right now and although I didn't wish for that to happen, it's a bit of a relief if I'm honest!

BrownSuga Tue 29-Jul-08 00:51:45

I don't see how it could be fab either TR, some people just don't THINK

thornrose Tue 29-Jul-08 00:57:09

If we went out as a family with my dd everyone assumed him and me were a couple and she was our child blush

Upwind Tue 29-Jul-08 04:51:43

My DH has a stepmother who is very close to his age. She is one of those neurotic high maintenance people who is hard work to be around but we always made an effort, as did she. At our wedding a couple of years ago she was very upset and angry because she wasn't included in the official photographs to the same extent as DH's mother. I am not sure of the ettiquete myself, but she is not his mother, and not even a stepmother since she met FIL when DH was grown up. Our siblings' spouses were not included in photos to the same extent as our siblings either and did not appear to care. Nor were aunts and uncles who had been a large part of our upbringing. Relations with FIL's wife have been strained since as she is still angry about the photos. I find it very difficult to have patience and respect for someone who would make such a drama out of nothing.

Pruners Tue 29-Jul-08 09:38:06

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crokky Tue 29-Jul-08 09:42:18

My stepmother is also virtually the same age as me and it is really bizarre. She wants kids, but my dad's kids are all grown up and he doesn't want any more. I don't really know what to say to her.

Upwind Tue 29-Jul-08 09:48:27

Pruners, it is "difficult tiresome and dull" I notice that when we spend Christmas with DH's family it is very stressful trying to coordinate everything so nobody is left out and hurt. Birthday celebrations in DHs family are also badly affected by FIL's wife's jealousy of MIL, and inability to be in the same room as her.

After her nonsense at our wedding, I am wishing there was some way of excluding her from our baby's christening. I don't want that day to be about her and I hate drama and tension. For smaller celebrations the problems are more obvious. And I would really love for our parents and siblings to all be there... In reality she will, of course, be there.

Pruners Tue 29-Jul-08 09:52:47

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Upwind Tue 29-Jul-08 10:17:54

It does all come down to childish selfishness really. And not understanding appropriate ettiquete (e.g. the photographs), clearly FIL's wife does see herself as part of the family on a par with MIL while FIL's children will never see it that way.

llareggub Tue 29-Jul-08 10:30:31

I'm 31 and my father remarried last year. I now have a step-mother and 2 step-siblings who are 22 and 19 respectively. My step-mother is approximately 15 years older than me.

Her children no longer live at home, so consequently I have only met them a handful of times. It feels very odd indeed just to be on nodding terms with a step-sibling.

I have a much better relationship with my step-mother than I do my own mother, partly because we are terribly polite to each other. The strain of Making An Effort for the sake of my father is pretty difficult at times. She is very different from my own mother and I have enjoyed seeing my father happy for the first time in years.

peanutbear Tue 29-Jul-08 10:37:35

Its very hard as the child to open arms except a new parental figure anyway

my father and I have a business partnership we run pubs and restaurants every time he gets a new girl friend the issues get difficult they want to be a part of business and be seen as a figure head I push back like a petulant child !!!!

I dont think they have any understanding of how to act when coming into an adult family especially when there is not much age gap

to be honest I wish I had the chance to choose his GF for him but alas this is not the way it works

llareggub Tue 29-Jul-08 11:13:00

I don't see my step-mother as a parental figure at all. Maybe that is why we have quite a good relationship!

elkiedee Tue 29-Jul-08 11:22:08

I feel really lucky in this sense because I mostly get the benefits rather than the drawbacks of my extended family. But it's luck, only one of my sort of step parents is significantly younger, but she's still late 50s and more my dad's generation than mine (he'll be 68 in a few months). Would find a stepparent my age very weird.

I get on better with my stepdad, who was married to my mum from when I was 6 to my early 20s, now, than when we lived in the same house. He and his wife came to see me and ds at my mum's last weekend (they don't have their own grandchildren as she doesn't have kids and his own kids, my brother and sister, are yet to have their own children. Actually, my brother who is his son, and had come out to visit, deliberately set off home before his dad arrived - he finds his dad's wife really annoying.

FioFio Tue 29-Jul-08 11:29:12

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littlelapin Tue 29-Jul-08 11:32:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlerach Tue 29-Jul-08 11:36:00

My stepdad is fantastic in every way!
He is like a grandad to dds.
And my mum is so much ahppier.

My stpemum is nice enough, but not involved in any of our lives really. But then neither is my dad to a great extent. She is the same age as dh too. hmm.
I htink that the fact I have suspicions that she was involved with my dad before him and mum split, makes it harder.

ib Tue 29-Jul-08 11:43:24

Another positive one here. Have had 6 step-parents over the years (7 if you count step dad's current wife, which I would). Got along just fine with most of them.

Rather enjoy the occasional gathering at step dad's which is attended by his wife, his 2 exes and all their kids (9 in total, all adults) and gc (9 for now, all under 5).

Sadly it's very occasional as most of us have scattered around the world.

Upwind Tue 29-Jul-08 11:47:08

Maybe the positive stories depend on parents and stepparents being secure in themselves? Not seeing children or grandchildren or ex partners as threats or competitors.

Pruners Tue 29-Jul-08 12:23:09

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ruddynorah Tue 29-Jul-08 12:29:01

i don't have a relationship with my stepmother. she goes away when i go to see my dad. they live i france so our visits tend to be a week long sort of thing. she buggers off. she is an absolute cow. can't be arsed going into details. just makes me damn sure i would never want to be a step parent and dread to my core if dh and i were ever to split up.

Baffy Tue 29-Jul-08 14:19:19

It does sound rubbish pruners.

I have 3 step parents. My Mum's husband who she met after my dad left, was an absolute star and a perfect step dad to me. I had a lovely childhood and he's still there for me now. Was so sad when they split. But I undersstood why.
My Mum's current partner is also a nice guy but luckily at 30 I don't have too much to do with him and as long as he makes my mum happy then I'm happy.

Similarly, step mum has spent many years making sure she could be the best step parent she could. By no means is she perfect and believe me we have our moments! But again, she's good for my dad and makes an effort with me. Most of all she loves my ds like he's her own.

I guess it's the luck of the draw and how your parents deal with the situation.

Just wanted to add my twopence worth as I've never really found it that crappy.

beanieb Tue 29-Jul-08 14:20:27

I consider myself SOOOOO lucky. My mum is now with a very old family friend who I knew as a child and who was my dads friend too. Obviously it's weird but it's so much easier when you have a history with the person.

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