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I am upset with my friend...

(30 Posts)
PavlovtheCat Mon 28-Jul-08 20:11:00

She shouted at my 2 year old. Really really shouted at her, probably more like screamed at her, for pushing a swing chair too hard with her son sitting on it (who as it seems was loving it).

So loudly that the entire garden stopped what they were doing, sudden silence. So loudly that my legs went to jelly.

I was so stunned/angry/overwhelmed I walked off. DD apparently went silent, face crestfallen and followed me. She came up to me, put her arms around my legs and sobbed.

DD told her that we do not speak to her like that.

She apologised.

I am still upset.

PavlovtheCat Mon 28-Jul-08 20:12:05

DH told her that we dont talk to her like that - not DD, DD cant talk so eloquantly yet. Or else she would have told her to fuck off. As I probably should have.

posieflump Mon 28-Jul-08 20:15:03

was it dangerously high?
maybe it was a knee jerk reaction <hopeful>
she probably feels mortified if your dh had a word with her, and she's apologised, i wonder what more can she do?

Madlentileater Mon 28-Jul-08 20:15:46

you poor thing. That would upset me a lot. Is she a very good friend? Is she having a particularly bad time at present?
if not, I don't think I would bother with her again.

PavlovtheCat Mon 28-Jul-08 20:22:50

posie - it was quite high, but not dangerously so, and I was in the process of telling her to stop, was on my way over and DH was also there, as were several other people. She should have just moved DD away immediately and let us reprimand her.

She did feel mortified. But so she should. And she should not try to make me feel bad for her feeling bad by telling me how guilty she feels.

mad she has been a good friend and she has had a bad time recently yes, well, last few years, but how often can I make allowances for her? She is a good friend of the social circle iyswim, but she has become very self rightious lately, about parenting skills, about lots of things.

An hour before, she was telling me and DH how we need to instill discipline in her better, and its not about shouting its about tone of voice.

She did apologise, lots afterwards, I know she regrets it, but she lost control, and apologising is all well and good, but it can't change it.

I am trying to be understanding. But what actually happened it I felt so bad for DD, and I also felt bad that I did not say anything but walked away (for fear of saying something out of order) and did not defend my DD as I should have. So I feel bad about that too, which meant that as I told DD off for other things before bed, the usual things I would, get back into bed now that kind of thing, I felt awful and just wanted to cuddle my little girl and tell her I was sorry for not protecting her.

Oh I know I should not be upset, she did apologise, but it just shocked me to the core that someone would talk to another person's child like that, with parents present, like she forgot they were there shock

PavlovtheCat Mon 28-Jul-08 20:26:27

posie I was thinking about how high it was - it was as high as a 2 year and 3 week old girl can push a swing chair, in actual fact it was a wooden one, an adult one that fits three people on, sturdy solid wood with a 3 year old boy on it.
So not that high at all hmm

nervousal Mon 28-Jul-08 20:27:05

think she was wrong to shoult at your chils - but sometimes when wethink our own children are being put in danger we do things we wouldn't normally do. I'm sure she shocked herself too.

PavlovtheCat Mon 28-Jul-08 20:32:18

nervousal maybe you are right. I know you are, but my LO is only 2!

But I guess her behaviour has been less than perfect recently and I am afraid this is a side of her personality coming out rather than a one off. Time will tell I guess.

traceybath Mon 28-Jul-08 20:35:46

How old was her son?

I'd have been very upset if i was you too. At least she apologised.

Also gives you good experience of how to handle a similar situation in the future.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Mon 28-Jul-08 20:36:31

"An hour before, she was telling me and DH how we need to instill discipline in her better, and its not about shouting its about tone of voice."

Is she strict mum? Sounds like it could reflect a difference in parenting styles.

PavlovtheCat Mon 28-Jul-08 20:41:47

traceybath - her son is 3.

jimjam no she is not strict at all, she is not consistent and shouts at her own son quite a lot. Also this time last year, which would have been when her son was just over 2, he was struggling quite a lot with disciplining him and letting him run riot, so it is not like it is so far away that she cannot remember what a 2 year old is like (and to be fair DD does not run riot, and we do not shout at her, EVER, but when she is tired she becomes a bit boistrous, and she loves playing rough with older boys so gets carried away sometimes, and we deal with it it. Our way).

I would say so, about it reflecting different parenting styles, I have never found it necessary to shout like a harpy at my child, no matter what she does.

TotalChaos Mon 28-Jul-08 20:45:05

ah I interpret that differently jj - that by coming out with that sort of comment something is up in her life, so that she's trying to convince herself desperately she's supermum by wittering on about it to all and sundry- whereas if she really was supermum, she wouldn't have ended up screeching like that - or coming out with these comments.

If you can face it, I would be tempted to have a general chat to her about her stress levels etc.

PavlovtheCat Mon 28-Jul-08 20:49:12

((ok, so let me divulge another element to the story then.

She is a recovering alcoholic.

Who had been drinking elderflower drink, but filled her glass up from the kitchen, not the bottle of elderflower juice that her glass was beside in the garden which she poured from when we first arrived.))

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Mon 28-Jul-08 21:03:00

Oh I'm not suggesting she was being reasonable or remotely fair in her comments (god I can't bear to be around the over strict/po-faced anyway- give me some lax parenting anyday ) I was just wondering whether there was some sort of underlying clash.

She sounds a bit unstable.

PavlovtheCat Mon 28-Jul-08 21:09:43

(jimjam - we did not get the yurt in cornwall, some other bastard one else booked it by the time they responded to my booking, it was the last week they had sad)

She is most likely unstable, she has been in a crisis state for a long time, but has spent a good while getting herself stable again, and now this greater than thou behaviour is getting on my nerves, when she then shouts at my own child in a way I would never consider. I should have probably known better than to be shocked.

But I was shocked. And my poor DD was quite scared. Seems fine today and I have fought my urge to overcompensate by being too spoiling, which I was tempted to, to make up for my own crap parenting by not protecting her properly.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Mon 28-Jul-08 21:11:58

oh about the yurt. Can you go next year?

PavlovtheCat Mon 28-Jul-08 21:16:31

yes, we will defintely be going next year. Am looking forward to it. I have big plans of reading my book in the bath looking at the stars, the beating DH at backgammon while DD snoozes on the bed! (we have a great morrocon, mother of pearl and wood backgammon set which will look great there!). Shame its not this year but I can wait!

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Mon 28-Jul-08 21:19:20

You might want to take an extra powerful torch. Candlelight is hard to read by!

PavlovtheCat Mon 28-Jul-08 21:20:39

<notes down torch for yurt to list> thanks for that, although I do eat my carrots wink

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Mon 28-Jul-08 21:26:49

I had romantic ideas about lying around relaxing in the evening reading. Couldn't see a bloody thing.

PavlovtheCat Mon 28-Jul-08 21:30:54

Oh well, we will just have to have sex under the stars then. I don't need to see for that wink

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Mon 28-Jul-08 21:31:18

<choke>

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Mon 28-Jul-08 21:31:41

(It's a bit prickly and there are deer outside )

PavlovtheCat Mon 28-Jul-08 21:32:33

They are not invited, not my bag grin.

Blu Mon 28-Jul-08 21:41:34

And she wasn't yelling in general panic that someone was about to get hurt? her ds, your dd (chidren sometimes do when a swing sw3ings back at them).

tbh I probably wouldn't let a 2 year-old poush another on a swing for that reason...

Just checking - you were there, so heard her impulse and tone....what did she say when she apologised?
It sounds alltogether v complicated and not an easy relationship in which to negotiate toddlers!

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