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How would you feel if your dh did these things?

(104 Posts)
littlemissworry Mon 28-Jul-08 18:48:49

We've been married for nearly 10 years and it would be fair to say it's been a fairly turbulent time. I got married for the wrong reasons and now I don't know how I feel anymore and am about to embark on some counselling about this and other issues I have. Anyway, over the years dh has really shown his temper on many occasions and said some quite nasty things to me. He's called me a stupid woman and sworn at me (all very aggressively); plus on one occasion he threw a book at me. The biggest problem though is sleeping together. He wants it quite a lot and I don't but every week I've gone through the motions for him, sometimes crying. If I say no to him he wants to know when it's going to be happening. He's got a bit more understanding about it but I always feel under pressure. I have 2 dc, one of whom is having a few problems himself, and I also have some of my own health issues to deal with. I'm sure compared with some people these are minor things but I've been quite hurt and I don't know if I can continue in the way we are at the moment. Sorry if a bit rambly.

Dalrymps Mon 28-Jul-08 18:54:05

wtf, what kind of husband would be happy for you to 'go through the motions' fo him whilst crying? What a selfish prick.
You deserve better.

expatinscotland Mon 28-Jul-08 18:56:02

A person like this would not have been my husband at all, and if by some accident he'd become mine, he wouldn't be for long.

DisenchantedPlusBump Mon 28-Jul-08 18:57:34

Your husband continues to have sex with you whilst you cry???? shock

How aful

Dior Mon 28-Jul-08 18:58:55

Message withdrawn

NotQuiteCockney Mon 28-Jul-08 19:00:59

"I have 2 dc" - is your DH the dad?

He sounds a bit of an arse re: sex. To put it mildly.

littlemissworry Mon 28-Jul-08 19:26:52

Yes he is the dad. I'm such an insecure person and I feel I have to please people - including him I suppose. To make matters worse, he's well thought of in the community - but if people really knew some of the things that have gone on.
I feel really disloyal even coming on here and saying some of these things so dreading how I'll feel when I've had counselling.

nickytwotimes Mon 28-Jul-08 19:31:44

He is abusing you.
No one should pressurise their partner into sex and certainly not carry on when their partner is upset.
It is a horrid situation for you.
Would you want to leave him or do you want to stay?

constancereader Mon 28-Jul-08 19:33:42

Please don't feel disloyal.
He does not deserve your loyalty.
Talk to us here as much as you need to.

Abusive people are often "well thought of in the community", sadly.

Iwanttobreakfree Mon 28-Jul-08 19:43:16


I really relate to you. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It is a shock to come on here, ask the question, and actually hear that people think what your husband is doing is abuse.

Don't dismiss it or be scared of it. The above posters are not overreacting, what they say is true. Just think about it, and read some more posts on here.

I am 7 months down the road from asking the question, and still with my "DH". Not sure I will be for much longer though.

PS For what its worth, I have cried during sex many a time, but turned away so he can't see me. If he knows you are crying and continuing anyway...sheesh don't know what to say but just think about it!

littlemissworry Mon 28-Jul-08 19:44:27

I don't know what I want to do at the moment. I don't think I love him anymore, if I ever did, but in lots of ways he's a good person and I don't think he means to be malicious. I'm very confused.

Darlingcocolepew Mon 28-Jul-08 19:47:46

People aren't malicious by accident, the fact that he forces you to have sex would be enough to show him the door. Sorry for you, hope you sort something out.

Iwanttobreakfree Mon 28-Jul-08 19:55:40

Littlemiss...Ditto here too. Sometimes helps to know someone in the same boat.

I have seen my Dr and am on waiting list for some counselling. Hoping to sort my head out that way.

Also have you thought about Relate? Its not just for people who want to stay together y'know. Its not marriage guidance. Maybe could help whatever the outcome.

I'm going to 1st session on saturday.

Better go now DH home soon

tab1 Mon 28-Jul-08 19:57:20

sex is a 2 way thing and should never be insisted on or done to please. leave him.

itati Mon 28-Jul-08 19:59:53

I feel so sorry for you. sad

I spent many years with boyfriends that were bad for me as I didn't think I deserved better.

Then I met my husband and realised that I did deserve a good man and all the others had been shite.

YOU deserve better.

Talk to him. Make him see what he does is wrong, mean, too bloody awful.

See if he is willing to try and make things right.

If not, kick him out.

littlemissworry Mon 28-Jul-08 20:02:49

Thank you so much everyone for the support and advice. I have to go now as husband home. Will be back tomorrow.

ClockWise Mon 28-Jul-08 20:05:20

You sound so sad. Don't waste the rest of your life with somebody you don't love. Separate, and draw up a parenting plan, you deserve to be happy. You'd be happier alone.

In fact, right now you sound extremely alone

solidgoldbrass Tue 29-Jul-08 01:25:19

FFS anyone who insists on sex and continues having it with a reluctant, crying partner is NOT and will NEVER be a good person. He's a complete shit. Get in touch with Women's Aid/CAB to find out your legal position and make plans to leave him.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Tue 29-Jul-08 01:31:20

my dh loves sex, i dont i feel harrassed by him all the time and put under pressure by him to 'perform' when i dont really want to. i know that if i reluctantly gave in he would go ahead knowing that i didnt really want to and i know that sort of behavior from him is very very wrong, but i also know that if i started crying during sex he would stop immediately and be very very sorry.

im so sorry that you are going through this. i think you do need to think about leaving him or at the very least get him to commit too some sort of couselling for his behavior

lizinthesticks Tue 29-Jul-08 07:02:04

Yeah - this will sound harsh and terrible but really, that guy is a complete fucking bastard. Any man that would insist you have sex w/ tears and all the rest of it. Seriously - that is WAY fucked up. I mean, it's crossing a very serious line. One that should never be crossed. Be strong, thrash this out w/ him - and if he has no compunction...well, I think this should speak for itself. "Well thought of in the community" - bloody hell.

itati Tue 29-Jul-08 07:54:57

SSSSBTSS - you should never have sex when you don't want too. sad You shouldn't have to cry to get him to stop.

littlemissworry Tue 29-Jul-08 08:41:39

Thank you everybody. I should say that he would never make me if I categorically said no but what tends to happen is that I offer to get it out of the way for another week or so. Sometimes (in fact usually) I don't feel at my best but I just want to get it done with for a while. He says I don't have to "we can leave it till later in the week" but I don't want it hanging over me. If that makes any sense. I haven't cried for a while now but I sometimes have to grit my teeth (although he probably doesn't know that) and I can't say for absolute certainty that he knows I have cried but I would be very surprised if he didn't. You may ask why I go through it when I don't want to - if I'm honest it's because he has quite a temper as I said and I'm worried he'll get really pent up and get really angry with the dc. I don't want this as one of them already has enough on his plate. Clockwise you are very right when you say that I sound alone - I do feel that. But I have met this fab counsellor (I've had plenty of therapy over the years for depression/ocd/eating disorders) and I think I can probably explain to this person exactly how I feel for the first time. I'm out now until this afternoon but I'll be back later and thank you again everybody for helping me.

itati Tue 29-Jul-08 08:52:19

This is all wrong and so sad.

Getting sex out of the way? Having it hanging over you?

You are meant to love this man. sad

Dalrymps Tue 29-Jul-08 09:31:43

Yeah, you shouldn't have to have sex now, or later, it should be when YOU want to and if thats in a year, never mind a week then thats the way it is. If you don't want to ever again, at all (I wouldn't be suprised after having to 'get it over with' for so long) then maybe this points to the fact you maybe don't lve this man anymore, something you can discuss with the counsellor.
You shouldn't ever have to give in to sex in the hope it will help with his temper and therefor give the lo's an easier life, he shouldn't have such a temper in the first place! If he can't control his temper then he needs anger management.
To be honest though, He doesn't sound like he respects you if he spends his time constantly putting pressure on you to keep having sex when he wants it, this is not acceptable angry
Whilst I was pregnant and up until about 6 mo after we had ds I think we had sex a total of 4 times, I just didn't feel like it. Dh never once pressured me, he asked if I was still attracted to him and I explained that I was but just wasn't in the mood with my hormones etc, If he had pestered me to do it every week I would have not 'given in' and probably bitten his head of fo being to inconsiderate.
Hope you find the strength to get this sorted, your life could be so so so much happier.

solidgoldbrass Tue 29-Jul-08 09:41:29

If you are giving in to have sex because you are frightend he will lose his temper with you or harm the DC then this is pretty much rape. He is not entitled to have sex on your body whenever he wants to: the law has changed and a man is no longer asssumed to have total ownership of his wife's body.
Contact Women's AId, tell your counsellor, you are living with an abuser and you don't have to put up with it.

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