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I just need to let this out - Cutting my father out of my life

(7 Posts)
shoptilidrop Mon 28-Jul-08 12:49:40

This is going to be a long messgage, and im not expecting any replies, but thank you if you read this.
My mum and dad had a very messy divorce when i was 18. i chose to live with my dad and sister 1. sister 2 and brother stayed with my mum. Things were not great. Dad met someone else, and we met her on the first day we moved out of our home. The first night in the house he stayed at hers and left me and sister 2, who was 16 at the ttime on our own. Thats pretty much been the pattern since then. We all moved in together and we were told there was no room for us. Ive been told my stepmum that she would never marry my dad if i still lived there. She has sniped, backstabbed, been judgement and horrbile for the last 11 years. Ive been ignored,and left out of family things etc.. Dad never says anything about it and sister 2 and brother have not had anything to do with him for about 2 years. 2 Years agi i moved back to my home town so this was blamed on me. For the last 2 years, ive been acused of things i have not done and had my name dragged through the mud. Ive been left out of family parties and xmas ect... and had birthdays and my dds birthdays ignored. He tells me on a weekly basis that this week he will sort it, he will give her an untimatium and will leave if she doesnt stop this. Ive even agreed to meet with her after ne begged me to. he said if she wouldnt agree to this then he would know what her intensions were. This was about 2 months ago. She canceleld about an hour before we were due to meet. She said she didnt want to have anything to do with me. I just dodnt understand. I have never ever done anything to her, ive always been more than nice and have never said anythign when shes slagged me off, ive just kept my mouth shut to keep the peace.
This has all come to a head and my dad hasd kept saying he is sorting it everytime, i get let down and the same thing happens. He told me it was finished with her, so i got all brothers and sisters together out for a meal ( the day after my brothers 21st birhtday) my dad didnt even get a cake or anything and did not mention anything either. To me he says he knows he has been a terrible dad, and how in the wrong his wife is and how ive done nothing wrong. But i dont think he does anything about it. I spoke to him on monday last week and he told me he wasnt getting divorced now and that i should stop putting pressure on him to sort things out and he will do it in his own time. At that point i told him im walking away. It was his 60th birthday on the thursday and i did not phone or text, or even send a card. I felt terrible but didnt. I then get a barrage of abusive texts from sister 1 saying how out of order i am and that i should have sent a card as he is still my dad and that i should not expoect dad to do anything as he will lose his pension ( load od rubbish) and that i should just accept it. I rang my dad today. I am fuming and so hurt and upset. he said i should just accept that im not part of the family at the momment. i cannot belive it. He said he just wants to be my dad and i should just forget about my step mum, but how can i? im not allowed in the house, or even to call. Im not allowed to even drive down their road. Hi does not seem to know the pain that they both have caused me. Im sat here in tears, and have just told work im not going in today. Im so angry and frustrated. I just dont know what to do anymore.

TakeMeHome Mon 28-Jul-08 13:29:08

Can't give you any advice I'm afraid, but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for all your troubles sad

OlderNotWiser Mon 28-Jul-08 13:44:04

So sorry, it sounds a horrible situation. Id guess your dad is scared of confronting her...perhaps hes scared of being on his own at his age so finds it easier for you to be the hurt one rather than risk offending his wife. She sounds a cow. Perhaps some distance is what you need. If the situation is giving you so much grief then it needs to change somehow. Can you see your dad at all without her being there ie him come to your house etc? If he wont do something like that then perhaps you need a break from it all for a while. I cut ties with my dad when it got too much, didnt see him for 10 years in the end, thats how long it took me to get my head around things. He hadnt changed when I got back in touch but the shit just didnt seem to bother me so much by then.

One warning tho - my sister was slower to get back in touch than me and he died without them making up and I think she regrets that so long breaks need to be handled carefully....but I think they can help when nothing else is working. sad for you tho.

Ally90 Mon 28-Jul-08 13:46:57

Three words Stately Homes Thread

We all have abusive (sorry but what your dad is doing is abusive, from what you have said) mothers/fathers/siblings and understand totally where you are coming from. Many have broken all contact, have little contact or have maintained a relationship with said relatives.

You don't have to go through this alone, post on the thread

BTW siblings often get sucked into the abuse too and side with the parents. YANBU your family is


shoptilidrop Mon 28-Jul-08 13:53:29

Ive tried just seeing my dad and having him round etc... but it just makes me feel like a diry secret. Im worth more than an hour or so a month. Then it hurst me even more when the family get together and we are left out. I just cannot believe he said to me i must accept that im not part of the family at the momment. That is the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me. I just cannot do this anymore.

Ally, ill come a have a look at that thread.

Ally90 Mon 28-Jul-08 14:07:16

It is very hurtful what he has said and he clearly has many issues if he feels he can mess you around like this then say you are not part of the family at the moment!!! I understand he has to have a life and have a new wife...but surely if you were in the same situation you would not want a new dh who rejected your children?!

Sending hugs your way if you want them

Elasticwoman Thu 31-Jul-08 16:22:59

What i can't understand, is why did your dad have you to live with him when he and your mum split, and when at 18, you need not necessarily live with either parent?

Your father has said and done hurtful things, so I can see why you feel rejected and badly treated. In not marking his birthday, are you omitting to do anything he hasn't similarly neglected with regard to you?

In your position, I'd be cross with your sister for butting in on your relationship with him.

Any idea why the new wife is rejecting you so forcefully? It is hard for any one to have to choose between a close relative and some one they actually live with. Why is she forcing him to choose?

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