Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
how should I go forward from here?(25 Posts)
cos I really don't have a clue, well I think I do but not sure.
have been seeing someone for about 3/4 weeks (well according to him it's a month some when this week did tell me the day but i've forgotten ) he's a nice bloke, we really get on well together, being around him feels like being at home if that makes sense, he's funny, sexy gorgeous, pays me lots of compliments (at least 100 a day - feels like that! lol) he's not local so when we do see each other it's for full days - as in from 10am till 11pm - have had a couple of nights in between as well.
anyhow here's my prob, cos honestly this aside he's too good to be true. but this I don't know how to deal with it - and I guess it's me learning about a new relationship with a man other than XH who want's to be involved with ds.
XH/I have said (mostly I but XH is happy to agree with me on this fact) a string of men WILL NOT be paraded in front of DS, as I p[resonally feel it will be more harmful to him to have a string of 'uncles' and for him to never know where he is/feel second to 'mums latest fancy' (no offense to anyone who does that it's just not something i'm prepared to do) as such said to the man when he asked about meeting DS that I was only prepared to introduce DS to someone who I was prepared to live with/marry. As I say i'm not prepared to screw DS's emotional development up.
Man said he understood and agreed. now here's the prob, at the start he said he was happy to go at my pace - great I thought. first kiss was amazing, sex isn't to the point of being mind blowing (yet) but on the other hand is still really good. (in ways I shan't say - but am v happy with that and with him)
I want to have time as us as a couple before I think about introducing DS - 6 months a year down the line maybe. (also XH & I said we'd discuss it with each other/the new partner before introducing them)anyhow I digress.
Yesterday we spent a fab day together walking on the sea front, doing general chores as well (yes boring but I had run out of some food! - literally!) sitting on the hill watching the world go by talking etc and it was lovely. I then had to pick DS up - so said to him 'can you loose yourself for a few hours and come over when DS is in bed. had to ask for him to come half an hour later as DS had napped and was a little resistant (nothing a story didn't sort out thou!) anyhow he got arsey and said 'well I don't want to sit in the pub for 2.5 hours' tbh that got my back up a bit - because i'd explained why I wanted him there later. when he got here he said had been thinking about it, and basically the jist is he sees my POV but doesn't see why I'm not prepared to introduce him to DS in a friends capacity - where he can play with DS etc. he says he's not wanting to be pushy but at the minute I feel he is, and said such to him. I agreed to think about things, but am not happy about doing it so tbh I don't think I will do for now, as I see it DS is my son - mine and XH's, he said he doesn't want to replace XH, but wants to get to know DS as well - which is good he realises we come as a package, but until i'm sure which way we'll go I don't want DS to meet him in any form. (or am I being too pig headed to not introduce them as my friend) - the only male friends I have to be fair as DS's little friends daddy's (my friends' H's or P's.)
I want him to meet my parents first. He's claiming i'm not seeing things from his POV - I do, and I understand his frustrations, but the only thing I can come back to is this is my son, and I won't have him messed about.
(the man btw in the week said he loved me, and yesterday said he hoped that this time next year we'd be living together. (not sure I want to tbh) - am reluctant to have a man in the mix of things.
So now how do I proceed from this? I don't want to upset him, but at the end of the day my DS comes first. Am I being so really over protective? man seems very sure on his feelings for me.
wwyd (sorry it's long)
ds is 2.5 by the way, and yesterday mum quizzed me over what i'd said to DS - have said nothing btw, but DS apparently said to mum yesterday on the way out... mummy, A (mans name) train (where I was meeting him) am I already damaging my son?
you have to do what feels right TO YOU.
You have only been seeing this man a month. He may be very sure of his feelings right now - but they are likely to be lust/infatuation, you know, that first romantic heart fluttering stuff? It's easy to get swept away by that, but in truth it doesn't last and you can't feel what true lasting feelings (if any) are there until the Madness has passed! .
Having said that, you are allowed friends and introducing him as a friend is, imo, fine. However, introducing him as 'mummy's friend' and then him being there every day and becoming involved with your son is just the same as 'uncle', isn't it...a rose by any other name...so if he wants to be introduced as a 'friend' then friend it would be - not 'uncle friend', iyswim.
Again. Do what is right FOR YOU and don't let anyone push you in a direction you are not comfortable with. IF he has these real, genuine, strong feelings of love for you...he can wait until you are comfortable because your happiness will be important.
He's moving too fast. I understand why he wouldn't want to sit in the pub by himself but if he understood your reasons he would have just done it and not complained.
No you are not damaging your son, he doesn't know you are having sex with this man! Kids really that that straightforward, he's never met this man, he means nothing to him. He won't sit wondering who X is, he will have forgotten the name as soon as he heard it.
Don't stress so much, but stick to your guns about when you feel it's the right time to introduce this man.
I think fair enough if you don't want him to omeet ds yet. It is great that he knows you come as a package, but he's being a bit full on.
I think you need to be v strict about seeing him at your house only when ds is at ex's/your parents, or meeting him out of the house. I think you're right about not having ds meet him for a loooooonnnngg time too.
Can you explain that you have to be very very sure about him before he meets your family. You're not long (?) out of a relationship and he has to slow down. It has only been a few weeks and he's getting pushy about seeing your ds. What about setting a date - like maybe Christmas - for him to meet ds? That way he won't think it's a permanent no no, and it's something you can gently bring your ds toward.
no fab split from XH last sept - have had few 'flings' since then but nothing where i've thought hmm, ok maybe you can be a part of our lives one day. I like the idea of the xmas thing thou - might put that to him actually and say this is why i'm reluctant etc (he knows why) and maybe if we're together at xmas then yes we can (althou yesterday he was on about us doing something on NYE - I said would depending on DS - as in if he's with me or X- am assuming he'll be with me, and he was fine with DS coming along). X comes here as well which is a bit hard, as it means I go to my parents house, and he lives with his parents still - when he comes here, DS is already soundo - (he sleeps like a log for the most part - wakes about 2am thou) man's gone by then, but it's just having some wine playing scrabble, talking etc. (sexual wasn't here! lol)
tbh i'm happy for him to meet my family - mum brother etc when he's ready - mostly as they're very good judges of character, so am ok with that - will prob introduce them in a few weeks I should imagine.
he said he realises and isn't saying for him to meet DS next week but still wants to meet him (as in come to the hosue see ds here, play with his toys and stop for dinner - that to me is a 'special friend)
kat - that was my argument that if he understood he wouldn't have got arsey with me.
I just don't know - he said yesterday 'it's gonna get worse before it gets better but I know you're worth it' this is another reason why i'm so relcuatnt - the infatuation element of things - can it be possible for love at first sight/within a few weeks and for it to work out? call me a sceptic/old fashioned/just plain been hurt before and am v cautious, but I don't think it works that way, and am hesitant about rushing too much - esp as DS is in tow.
perhaps in a few weeks, he might meet us at the park or something for a kick with the football, or a walk on the beach - just trying to think somewhere away from the house, but i'm well so reluctant to even do that. I don't want someone in his life one week then not the next, as it's not fair to him.
god who made this so hard?
(oh and he wouldn't see him everyday or be involved with him, DS has a grandad, 3 uncles a step grandad and grate grandad as male influences as well as his dad)
I think you are right in waiting. He sounds like a decent enough chap but does seem to be pushing things foward a bit quickly. Does he have any dc? If not then that's maybe why he doesn't quite realise the impact or importance a new partner would have in a childs life. It is really nice that he sees you as a package but I also think you need time spent with him on your own 'as a couple' type of thing so you can get to know him further first.
I think the football/park thing is a good idea, but again maybe that could wait a couple of months (weather permitting!).
To me, I would be more prone to start the slow introductions as mummy's friend - ie meal out/coming for tea etc - nearer Sept/Oct time as that would give you a couple more months of getting to know him and getting used to being back in a relationship (which is hard in itself sometimes!).
Maybe if you say to him that you want to spend a bit more couple quality time with him before getting ds involved - if he really likes you, he should understand.
no he has no children, our lives in a lot of ways are so different - I have all this baggage (XH, DS, etc) he has none, he's 2 years older than me - well and 1 days - really odd his b'day's the day before mine, anyhow). to my knowledge there are no children in his family either, so for him I think it's very simple - I have DS he wants to be with me therefore he meets ds and we are then a unit. (not as simple as that thou is it)
am thinking if we did the football thing now, then he wouldn't see him again until I was fully ready to have him as my special friend type of a thing - just so I could see how they both get on - as also i'm half thinking I don't truly know how I feel/think about him until i've seen him with ds - which I think he's starting to pick up on.
I said yest about waiting and being a couple before DS is added to the mix - half of me thinks he thinks i'm just making excuses thou. i'm really not, but I don't see things as black and white - well I do but have different reasons.
am I really not seeing things from his POV - (as he seems to think i'm not fully understanding his POV) - then again I know this is selfish, but does his POV count really in this case? god that is selfish isn't it.?
I don't really think it's that selfish, you are putting your ds first, he is obviously the most important thing in your life.
It could be that as he is not used to children, that he won't be able to see where you are coming from either and that's it's quite a simple thing for him to just meet ds and then you all get on with it.
In a way, you both need to try and see things from each others POV but can be hard when neither of you quite understand it!
Maybe you could do the football thing and see how it goes and maybe it would help you both in that you would be able to see how him and ds get on, and he would be able to see what it's like spending time with ds.
If things go well and he doesn't meet ds again for a month or two, that will seem like aaaggees to your ds, so to ds it will seem like a slow introduction iyswim.
But tell him again you really aren't making excuses, you just want the best for all three of you and that will unfortunately take time.
that said, you must also be comfortable with it all, if you aren't then don't do it.
well apparently one of his x's has had a child before - althou as 've just said - fair enough you might be used to them in that capacity but your x's ideas with her child are not the same as mine.
he's just said though what ever my decision is he'll respect it, so guess back to thinking it over, and listening to all the options.
I'd have to say, that if it doesn't feel comfortable to you, then don't do it. If it was me, I wouldn't be introducing someone I'd only known for 4 weeks to my children, but that's me. Sounds to me like he's moving very fast tbh.
Might be fair to explain to him your POV with a timescale attached to it, so he understands how and why you are thinking this way.
Best of luck.
am - I think thats his view to be completely honest - he's viewing us as a long term thing so to him it's simple - he will meet DS sooner or later so might as well be the sooner - even thou i'm saying the later.
have said to him today that we'll see how the land lays in sept/oct time, but i'm not keen on him meeting DS this side of xmas to be honest, and even then will literally be a 'friends' only capacity - and won't be getting involved with DS daily or when he meets him - ie holding hands/doing stuff etc.
I do have issues over people helping with DS who are not my parents or XH tbh. It took me months to trust XH enough with DS, not to mention the inlaws (feel a bit bad now as was PFB mother etc) - so not sure how much is that and me being stubborn as well.
one thing i'm determined to do thou is to not mess DS up in any way. I think what it's boiling down to is this is done slowly my way, and if he pushes the issue he'll be out the door. will be a shame as he's a nice bloke but DS's well being comes first.
have spoken to my mum about it - the big family pow well! lol. all is good - still gonna play it cautious but will see how the land is in sept/oct time.
obv I want mum/dad etc to meet him first.
last night I said to the man 'when all this infatuation goes thou what's gonna be left?' he said you still don't get it do u - I want to be with u for the rest of my life.
(shame i've heard it all before from XH - then again he/XH are worlds apart)
i am amazed he is so quick to declatre himself
it seems very early days
quite zippi - a fact which has seen me pulling back somewhat to be honest.
the old saying - when they start off like this they soon loose interest - I want to see what's left down the line in a few months if anything at all.
(and make sure he's not just interested cos he thinks i'm doing ok - as in own (well rented) house and own car) etc. but then again my heart tells me he's not that sort.
I thik it's a little unfair to ask him to lose himself for a while and then come back. Maybe your time together should be limited to 'dates' and times when your son is not there? I would find it a pain to have to go away and then come back to be honest.
beanie - that time - is literally every other weekend (assuming XH keeps to his 'word') other wise with him living 30 odd miles away, and me still having a baby sitter curfew during the week (of 10pm) it's limited really which is a bit bad - and as he comes down for the day it is nice to spend the whole day etc together.
(I can't ask mum to have DS as again I don't think it's fair that every other weekend she's looking after DS iycwim)
you cant have met up many times yet
honestly i find it odd he sees things as the rest of our lives
that would seriously bother me
on the other hand i would be seriously po if asked to lose myself for a couple of hpours
hmm, what about a dozen or so - the usual talking every day etc on the blower for an hour or so (his bill - I don't mind! hehe).
not so much for me to think about saying anything similar back - althou it would be very easy to get swept along in the tides.
(the loose his self choice thou, I did put to him, and said it was up to him, but i'd understand either way)
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.