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I don't love my husband anymore.

(13 Posts)
fedupandisolated Sun 27-Jul-08 07:54:01

Long story made short:

Married 8 years
Husband has long term addiction to phone chat lines.
Phone bills between Oct 07 and Jan 08 total just under £500.
Husband is self employed actor who does not make much money (income just under 9k last year after all expenses taken out).
I paid all bills (rent, council tax, electricity, phone, child care etc etc) as I had the regular income.
In January I had a breakdown as I couldn't cope with his addiction any longer. (He only confessed the addiction to me as I was about to find out).
He hid phone bills etc so was deceitful.
In March after much agonizing I left with DS (5) and moved back to my parents 170 miles away.

Since then:

DH will not talk about addiction - everytime I mention it he accuses me of using it as a stick to beat him with. I'm truly NOT doing this but feel we do need to discuss it.

He has made no financial contribution to DS.

Before I left I downloaded and printed off all the Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit forms to help him (I could only have made it easier if I'd filled in the forms myself). After much nagging he eventually said he'd filled them in and sent them off (this was in May). Two days ago he told me that actually NO he hasn't done them and is now in rent arrears.
What sort of self responsibility does this show? He cannot care for himself never mind a wife and child.

The plan had been that we were going to try and make a go of things for DS. However, I am now certain that this will never work, I cannot live with this man.

This morning I feel I have truly woken up and smelled the coffee. He is never going to change - the last six months he has done nothing to show me that he is serious about taking any sort of responsibility. He obviously thinks we can just pick up and carry on where we left off - I don't think this and can't.

When I started saying some of my concerns to him last night he put the phone down on me.

His parents who live nearby (to me) keep saying "Well of course J (DS) needs BOTH his parents" and "J has to come first".

All I want to scream is

"Where the fuck has his Daddy been for the past 5 months then" and "Are you sure this is about J and not about finding some mug who will look after your DS".

I honestly don't think there is any future in this. I haven't spoken to DH since last night. He has left a really self pitying message on the answer phone saying he knows he's a worthless piece of crap (he isn't actually) and that he knows it is all his fault.

I have to speak to him again today and am dreading it. I hate upsetting anyone and have been guilty in the past of putting up with things to keep others happy. But no more - life is too short.

How do I cope with the fall out from this? I am dreading it.

I've ordered a booklet about making a Parenting Plan - I want my H and DS to continue having a good relationship - likewise with his grandparents.

Help! Feeling crappy and nasty person at the moment. Hate hate hate upsetting other people.

eenybeeny Sun 27-Jul-08 08:02:43

I am like you, I really hate confrontation and upsetting people. But it sounds like your husband needs more than you should give. He needs help - but you are not responsible for giving that to him. You have to look after you and your DS and not many people would continue putting up with this sort of behaviour.

Hassled Sun 27-Jul-08 08:46:52

I well remember that "waking up and smelling the coffee" moment with my ex. And yes, your DS does need both his parents but that doesn't have to mean both parents living together. It sounds to me that you've realised you won't be happy living with him again, and that's a completely valid way to be feeling. So

1) Don't give yourself a hard time about your decision. You have the right to be happy and will be a better parent when you are happy.

2) Be prepared for a long, hard few months or even years. There may well be anguished late-night calls blaming you and you will have to be consistent and firm, but sympathetic and supportive. It's exhausting and relentless.

3) It should all eventually come good. Ex-Dh and I have been split for a long time - 13 years (I'm remarried with further DCs) and we are now the best of friends - he's part of the extended family. It took nearly 2 years to reach this point, but everything I liked in him when we first met is still there, and I value his friendship. Try very hard not to start hating your DH.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 27-Jul-08 09:40:52

You are not a bad person. Your H is a man child who wants you to come and take care of him. He has shown you zero respect and is not adult enough to be a parent IMHO.

littlewoman Sun 27-Jul-08 11:33:33

What I was thinking yesterday was, a relationship is a relationship.

It's about relating to each other, interacting with each other, and finding compromise.

It is not about one half of the couple saying "this is how I am, get over it".

That is not a relationship or a partnership, and if you want to 'get over it' by walking away that's your right, I think.

FluffyMummy123 Sun 27-Jul-08 11:35:55

Message withdrawn

fedupandisolated Sun 27-Jul-08 12:33:09

Thank you everyone. Yes Cod they do know about the problems. His Dad always knew as H confided in him several years ago. Once I discovered the problem I spoke to my Mum as I just didn't know where else to turn - my Mum and Dad have been great - really supportive.

Unfortunately when I left DH he rang his Mum crying and she rang my parents ranting down the phone that I had abandoned him. Unfortunately for her she got my Dad.
Now if there's one thing people mustn't do - it's criticize either of his daughters to my Dad. He really let her have it with both barrels so she is now well aware too.

H does not know that his Mum is aware and tbh I don't want him to know this as I think it would just destroy him.

I had a long chat with him this morning and it was dreadful - he spent nearly the whole phone call crying and I feel rotten about that.

Upshot is that he is now saying that he will move up here - live in a bedsit and go to counselling/Relate with me. I still don't know if this will be enough tbh but feel I have to go through this with him. I don't hate him - the sad thing is I feel almost nothing about him apart from some affection. We were always good friends as well as husband and wife.

As soon as I mentioned the D word this morning he just dissolved and said it would kill him!sad. I feel divorce is drastic but feel the need for legal separation - however, even this seems a horrendous thing to say to someone that is crying down the phone.

BTW - his mother thinks I have over-reacted to the housing benefit thing.hmm

Iwanttobreakfree Sun 27-Jul-08 13:01:33

(((Hugs)))

Sounds like you know you are better off without him.

Relate is not what he needs - he needs some of his own counselling to sort his head out. No offence but he does sound pretty pathetic.

Good on you for taking charge of the situation and getting out of there. Wish I could do the same thing.

You are not responsible for him being the way he is, only he is.

Him moving closer may be a good thing for your DS, but you don't need to feel yu have to give the relationship a go. Relate may help him to see why it is over though IYSWIM.

Good luck and stay strong.

ConstanceWearing Sun 27-Jul-08 13:05:06

How do you feel about going to Relate with him, fedup?

fedupandisolated Sun 27-Jul-08 13:35:31

I feel resigned to going to Relate with him tbh Constance. Like Iwanttobreakfree says though - it may help him to see why the relationship is over. This is my hope with the counselling. I want him to be okay too and that is going to take time.

I've spent 10 years of my life with this man and there have been lots of good times too. We have always been friends. Therefore I do feel some affection - albeit not the overwhelming love I once had. Hence the need to separate now.

I talked to a friend yesterday who spent 20 years with a man who beat her up on a regular basis. Her wise advice was not to go back to him unless I was 100% certain it would work. She says she did that after leaving her ex when the children were small. Ironically she went back "for the sake of the children" and says it was harder on her children when she left 13 years further on.

She is right. I need to make a break now.

FluffyMummy123 Sun 27-Jul-08 18:03:59

Message withdrawn

mmelody Sun 27-Jul-08 18:16:15

fedup.. you can'tbreak up with someone and also be around to help them through it. You need to build upon the life you have already started making for yourself and DS in my opinion. He will let you down again and again..

fedupandisolated Sun 27-Jul-08 20:58:13

I know you are right mmelody but I just feel so bad for him. It's hideous to hear someone cry and know you are the cause of their distress. I know he's bought all this on himself but I can't help feeling sorry for him.

Unbelievably he told me this evening that as the price difference between renting a one bed/studio flat was similar to renting a two bed property that he felt he would rent a place big enough for us all!!!!! WTF - did he not hear a word I said this morning. Have told him "no way".

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