Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Will I ever stop being bitter and jealous over my lack of relationship with Dad?

(59 Posts)
Oxygen Sat 26-Jul-08 20:39:31

My dad left us for another family when I was 11.

16 years on I should be over this, no?

But I am jealous. I am jealous of the bond my step sisters and their children have with my dad.

I know they have never known another father, it isn't their fault.

But seeing photos on facebook of "family outings" where they are all there, with my dad, and my children are rarely invited hurts so so much. Outings that I can't afford to take my babies on, but they get paid for.

Stepmum has on facebook that her activities/interests are "MY girls and their babies". It hurts. My babies may not be blood relations, but to have it written like that?

I know I should be a grown up. I know things will never change, they never have. I know people have much worse relationships with their parent/s than me.

But its not fair.

How come they get the father and grandfather that he is apparently capable of being, just not for us????

moondog Sat 26-Jul-08 20:43:42

I'm not surprised you are pissed off. Unforgivable. Can you be consoled knowing he willgo to his grave knowing he has done wrong? Do yuo see him?

ranting Sat 26-Jul-08 20:46:23

I feel for you, totally understandable that you're feeling like this and my ds is in a similiar situation with his own dad. I don't know how you would begin to get past it but, hopefully someone who has themselves been in that situation will come along with some suggestions.

UniversallyChallenged Sat 26-Jul-08 20:46:33

No you're right - it isnt fair. Awful for you to have to see this.
Have you ever brought up the subject with him? Has he ever explained things?

SilkCutMama Sat 26-Jul-08 20:51:45

I am 37 and forgave my Dad a few years ago. My story was very similar to yours. It's shit but I know I was never meant to have a relationship with him like other daughters and fathers. I honestly beleive it's his loss

I also think it's your Ftaher's loss that he will never have you in his life in the way it should be

I do think things will get easier

Be strong. A key to beong ok with this is to be ok with yourself

I really like me and all that I stand for. I honestly don't care that my father has not ever seen my house or met his grandson

Love to you and hope you find the strength you need

Oxygen Sat 26-Jul-08 20:52:54

To be fair to him, he doesn't think.

He is very much in a relationship of doing what he is told (the irony being that he left for a more "fun" life and then she turned strict grin). I get the feeling that stepmum organises everything and he is told he is going. They are there a lot of the time, so again, it isn't that he is rushing off out to play iyswim.

I very much doubt it has occurred to him. The last rare outing we went on I know that he was the one who suggested calling us to come too.

I was pregnant when I found out SSis was expecting and I was devastated. Again, I knew how self centred I was being, but I knew from that day that my children wouldn't get the same bond.

They are so close to him (SSisters), and it hurts because they are so much like me in personality so I look and think that it is the relationship that I should have, had he bothered to stick around or to try and keep decent contact with me.

moondog Sat 26-Jul-08 20:54:10

It ishis loss Oxygen, not yours.
Personally, iwould never speak to the fucker again.

TeaDr1nker Sat 26-Jul-08 20:56:05

This is so sad

Have you tried to talk to him, explain how you feel?

Could you suggest doing things with him to build up your relationship?

Do you have any other siblings? If so what are their experiences? Do you talk to them about it?

Oxygen Sat 26-Jul-08 20:56:22

We live close, see them once every couple of weeks. Normally through me arranging it.

I saw him regularly until I was about 13/14 and then it started dwindling to once a month, then once every few months etc. I don't know how it happened, I don't remember. We started getting closer when I had my first. Oddly I am closer to my step sisters since they have had their children, but the jealousy is more.

Urgh. i'm just a mess aren't I?

SCM - I think things will be a lot easier if I can get to the accepting stage. I get the feeling that a lot of my issues in general (depression etc) stem from all this.

onepieceoflollipop Sat 26-Jul-08 20:57:44

Oxygen, feel sad for you. I don't see my father at all, and he has chosen not to meet my dd2. Different circumstances to you.

SilkCutMama - what a lovely post, it really helped me. so true what you say about the key is being ok with yourself. I am the same age as you and gradually over the years I have come more or less to that place. I occasionally have wobbles but generally I am a confident person, who has moved on in spite of my family...

SilkCutMama Sat 26-Jul-08 20:59:33

Oxy - do you like yourself at all? Can you find some way of having inner peace with yourself?

I promise you - this will unlock it all for you

(Granted, it's not the easiest thing in the world to achieve wink)

solo Sat 26-Jul-08 20:59:39

Have you told him how you feel? I can't relate to your feelings in this at all. My parents are still together after 45 marrieed years, but maybe your dad needs to be told. Perhaps he truly doesn't realise. Men are often devoid of common sense aren't they, so he may not even realise that he could have a close relationship with you and his natural grandchildren. I hope you can resolve this, I really do.x

Oxygen Sat 26-Jul-08 20:59:56

My sister has never really forgiven him for leaving. She lives further away, no children, so feels even more distanced than I do. I don't really know how it affects her though as she processes emotions/relationships differently.

It isn't just his loss though - it is my DCs. I see what they are missing out on. DD especially has loved the rare occasions when she has had him to herself .

i can't explain how I feel to him. I would never be able to get the words out.

onepieceoflollipop Sat 26-Jul-08 21:00:30

Oxygen obviously I don't know you but it may well be that the depression and other issues are related to these "family" issues.

I had a depressive episode in my early twenties (untreated and unrecognised at the time but I work in mental health and I know that is what it was).

There was no magical moment when it didn't affect me any more, just various other happier things going on in my life. (thankfully I have a stable relationship now) In my early twenties I had a disastrous marriage due mainly - I now know - to my family experiences.

solo Sat 26-Jul-08 21:01:41

*Married years.

yama Sat 26-Jul-08 21:01:58

You write that they get 'the father and grandfather that he is apparently capable of being'.

He's not though, is he? Not if he is excluding you and your dc.

shreddies Sat 26-Jul-08 21:02:30

Oxygen, I completely get where you're coming from, my dad is single atm, but my experience when he has been in relationships is that his stepkids have come way before me and my db. I think it's just a case of him (and poss your dad?) taking the path of least resistance. I would tell him how you feel, he might not change but you won't be holding onto so much

Oxygen Sat 26-Jul-08 21:02:32

Not much liking of myself SCM (I am a regular btw, normally a firey bird)

I need to try and organise doing more with him. I am torn between wanting him to spend more time with me and my children, but also feeling for him - he so rarely gets time away from babies now I haven't the heart to invade when I know he is alone.

SilkCutMama Sat 26-Jul-08 21:03:04

onepiceoflolloipop - (great name btw)

Thanks for that - I'm glad you are (kind of) ok. I guess we all have wobbles but they get less frequent don't they?

So glad you feel confident and that life is alright

Don't you just love mn? Where esle can we say all this stuff and find this amazing support???

Love to all of us women who have had to be strong in spite of our circumstances and upbringing.......personally, I think we all rock smile

Oxygen Sat 26-Jul-08 21:03:54

Def the path of least resistance.

It has been a generally f8cked up month and I think the photos tonight were just the final straw

sophierosie Sat 26-Jul-08 21:04:12

You sound so much like me - despite my dad living less than 15 miles away and being retired we rarely have any contact with himn and SM - I have a SS and know that he sees her children a lot more than they do mine.

I recently went and saw a counsellor to help me deal with some of the anger that was developing as part of my frustrations and hurt in that he wasn't interested in seeing my dd which brought back so many memories of him 'choosing' other people over me/us.

I still get very upset - and am still very resentful of him - I find it difficult to have him in our house and I'd rather not see him at all - it makes it easier not to have any contact rather than something to be seen to be doing - ie xmas. But I do feel an obligation to make an effort to see him so that dd knows who he is (although I invariably get v upset after) but sometimes I think he doesn't deserve a relationship with my dd.

solo Sat 26-Jul-08 21:04:16

Oxygen, try writing it down. Perhaps you could let dad read it or you could read it to him? I know that I have to write things down in order for them to a)make sense and b)so I don't forget anything.

SilkCutMama Sat 26-Jul-08 21:05:30

Oxygen - print this thread off and give it to him - it will say it all for you

Brave thing to do but may be worth it???????????

ranting Sat 26-Jul-08 21:07:14

The only thing I do know (and I'm not sure if it will help, as it's a different situation), I had a terrible relationship with my mum whilst growing up (am not going into detail as it's not relevant) and it really affected my self esteem. In fact I don't think I was confident at all until one day I realised that I had to stop blaming her for all my problems and reclaim my life as my own.

So I started to take responsibility for myself, stopped blaming her for everything that went wrong in my life and slowly my confidence soared. I think sometimes if you try and give yourself a different perspective on life, it can improve how you see yourself. Sounds like happy clappy mumbo jumbo but, it worked for me.

Oxygen Sat 26-Jul-08 21:09:07

I thnk probably a huge part of my issues is the thought that if I wasn't good enough for even my father to stay, why should anyone else like me.

I have never thought of it in those words before, but it suddenly makes a lot of my issues make more sense.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now