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How are you supposed to carry on as normal when someone you love is in an abusive relationship??

(12 Posts)
DisenchantedPlusBump Sat 26-Jul-08 18:37:12

TBH everyone has known this for years, its obvious. No-body likes him.

There have been incidents previously but what he did this time was just sick

He is really ill in the head and it scares the hell out of me.

Even after he done it she was STILL defending him.

He did it in front of 3 people and his daughter,

I can't believe it

He is crazy.

She will take him back.

How am I suppose to go near him when I hate him so much?

Im just in shock

QueenMeabhOfConnaught Sat 26-Jul-08 18:40:57

What can you do? If she won't leave him, she just needs to know you will be there for her when it all falls apart. Can you see her without him in tow?

constancereader Sat 26-Jul-08 18:42:43

That is unbelievably hard.
All you can do is to be there for her.
What does she say when you talk to her about it?

davidtennantsmistress Sat 26-Jul-08 18:44:04

until she's ready she'll wash over it and defend him to the hilt.

make sure you're there, advise her to get clothes out and squirrel money away incase - can you offer to set something or other up and keep some of the money back in that case - not stealing but there in case she needs it?

madamez Sat 26-Jul-08 18:44:10

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do at least in terms of stopping the female partner taking her male partner back - that is up to her no matter how wrong you may think she is
However, if what you witnessed the man doing was so bad that you think it justifies police action then you can call the police as someone who witnessed the incident. If you genuinely believe that the man is mentally ill then the police may send someone out to assess him and if he is a danger to himself or other people he may be taken into custory or sectioned.
Oh, and if he is genuinely mentally ill then perhaps hating him is a bit unkind of you. This situation is not, after all, about you.
I take it you are referring to a close relative

DisenchantedPlusBump Sat 26-Jul-08 18:45:41

Its complicated, she isn't young or naive, just daft really

Its not something 'we' can talk about because shes an 'elder' to me if that makes sense.

I don't see how she would even want to see him again, but she will... I don't understand.

DisenchantedPlusBump Sat 26-Jul-08 18:47:42

Its hard to talk because if i said, it would be obvious to anyone who read it that im talking about her. A few family members come here.

davidtennantsmistress Sat 26-Jul-08 18:48:49

if you can't is there someone you can ask to see if everything's ok - example at a recent family party, one of my younger cousins approached my to talk to another younger cousin (but i'm older than the 2) to have a chat about something with a view to him opening up to me. it did work and I think helped. but younger cousin didn't want to as he was her 'elder' as it were.

DisenchantedPlusBump Sat 26-Jul-08 18:49:50

She has lots of support, family members have been with her all day.

I don't know if any of them have said to her 'you HAVE to leave' though.

madamez Sat 26-Jul-08 19:00:03

You can't make someone leave an abusive relationship, and trying to insist they do what you think is right is actually very unhelpful because it can make the abuse victim feel set on by all sides and disinclined to trust you - so if you start ordering her to do certain things she will stop talking to you and it's actually cutting off her support. She will leave when she is ready to leave, but it has to be her decision.

DisenchantedPlusBump Sat 26-Jul-08 19:01:36

Madamez, she wont.

Im 23 and its been going on for as long as I can remember.

She will never leave.

She has left and gone back, she always goes back.

I think he could end up killing her.

I truelly do

prettyfly1 Sat 26-Jul-08 19:49:12

madamez your advise is good but you are being somewhat harsh. Its always good to remember that whilst those who are mentally ill need help to dela with their issues, for the loved ones watching the devastation it can wreak it can be heartwrenching and brutal. This lady isnt with this man and if his behaviour to a person she loves is that bad, ill or not she is entitled to hate him. Its a natural human response to hate those who hurt who we love however poster its also good to remember what madamez said, the more you push at this girl the more isolated she will become and the less you can help her. Just be there. take the kids away from it when you can and support her. try and encourage her to keep talking - the last thing you need is to have her go underground -thats when it gets really bad.

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