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My friend keeps reminding me of my DH's affair and I am deversated

(61 Posts)
overdraft Fri 25-Jul-08 11:57:04

My DH had an affair 3 years ago. We are still together and are now very happy. My husband had turned into the most loving man, who is so happy we are still together. He supports me and loves me and I am happy to say he is a muched improved man because of the experience.

Anyway, When it happened my world was blown apart. The pain will never completly go away and I have come to terms with it. I talked on Mumsnet lots at the time and it was heaven sent.

Everyone knew about the affair because the o.w husband choose to tell the world.They were are next door niegbours. We had lots of the same friends. I felt so ashamed and had to hold my head high, even though it wasn't my fault. This was so, so difficult. I lost my home. I had been through hell and back.

There was one friend who I lent on through the whole thing.She was there through it all and was so supportive. She helped me sell the house, pack boxes or just held me when I cried.

3 Years on I am feeling much stronger - most of the time. I have a job, study and my life is not consumed by the pain all the time.

The problem is now this friend uses every opertunity to bring it up. I mean everytime we meet, she will crack a joke or have a dig.

Last night she was very spiteful. She said oh let me come around and flirt with your Dh. Everyone else has had him. Then she said Oh I shouldn't have said that should I dear, dear. This was said in a really patronising way.

I came home and had a row with DH and cried and cried. I feel so low.

I don't know why I am even writing this t.b.h. Thanks for reading to the end.

I think I just need shoulder to cry on right now. I am so hurt and don't understand why she would do that to me.

Sorry for long post

mumblechum Fri 25-Jul-08 11:58:39

Haven't you ever told her she's an insensitive bitch & to shut the fuck up?

Anna8888 Fri 25-Jul-08 11:58:52

You call this bitch a friend???

Cut her out of your life right now.

oranges Fri 25-Jul-08 11:59:15

was she glad you two got back together? sounds like she's a bit annoyed that she put all that time helping you move etc ad maybe feels irrationally that that time was 'wasted' as you took him back. It's not fair on you at all. could you ask her outright why she makes comments like that?

mindalina Fri 25-Jul-08 11:59:57

shock she doesn't sound much of a friend tbh. Tell her she's being a cow and to pack it in or you can't be friends anymore.

warthog Fri 25-Jul-08 12:00:17

she was supportive then, but she's not now!

i think you need to start pulling her up every time she does this.

what did you say when she said everyone had had him?

i think i would have stood up and walked out.

Lizzylou Fri 25-Jul-08 12:00:55

Sounds like someone who likes to feel superior by helping those in need, but who is now resentful because you are sorted and happy and she is no longer needed.
Agree, she is a bitch and needs a slap

bethoo Fri 25-Jul-08 12:01:07

what a bitch, not really a friend now.
i would say butthen that is me something alongthe lines of ''well he has standards since he never tried it with you!''
sounds like she may actually have a thing for him.
get rid of her

objectivity Fri 25-Jul-08 12:02:29

Some people only flourish as 'rescuer' and cannot deal with not being needed anymore in the way that they were.

overdraft Fri 25-Jul-08 12:03:46

She was all for me taking him back.So I don't think that is the case.

We are always there for one another and I really care about her. I am finding it so, so hard.

How could you want to hurt someone like that?

Perhaps she really just doesn't care, I don't know.

Sorry about my typing. I am shaking

Jazzicatz Fri 25-Jul-08 12:04:31

Overdraft - has she been through a similar experience herself?

EffiePerine Fri 25-Jul-08 12:04:48

tell her to bugger off

she may have been a good friend in the past but she isn't now, is she?

nasty cow

ThatBigGermanPrison Fri 25-Jul-08 12:06:59

Have you ever asked her outright and bluntly "Why are you being spiteful?"

It may draw her attention to the way she is coming across - she may genuinely think it's amusing, and may need to be told that nobody is amused.

overdraft Fri 25-Jul-08 12:07:19

warthog , I was out for a meal with her. It was just the two of us. I didn't want to spoil the night and I just coved it up and didn't say anything back. I changed the subject.

She is the type of person that likes helping people who are in trouble.She is so kind to people.

overdraft Fri 25-Jul-08 12:09:17

Jazzicatz, no she hasn't. But she has been through it first hand with me. This is why I don't understand how she can find it amusing

Mimsy2000 Fri 25-Jul-08 12:10:32

totally agree with objectivity.

HappyWoman Fri 25-Jul-08 12:12:12

Do you think it was meant in a nasty way - i know i can be a bit insesnsitive sometimes and actually i almost wish someone would say something like that to me so i could see if i was over it.(i too am post affair)

maybe this was just a stupid thing to say and maybe she is feeling just as bad too.

You need to talk to her and hopefully clear the air.
But if it was said in a nasty way then maybe it is time to call it a day on that relaionship.

Does she really believe that your h is a changed man? Or that maybe you are just putting a brave face on it.

Some of my close friends do look for 'signs' and i try and be honest to those good friends but will admit that i do sometimes put on a better front for others iyswim.

warthog Fri 25-Jul-08 12:13:38

see, overdraft, by letting her get away with it she will continue because she thinks it's ok.

perhaps in some bizarre way she thinks she's still supporting you by acknowledging his past behaviour. who knows.

but if she is that good a friend you need to put a stop to this. if you can't face a showdown then perhaps write an email?

it's simply not ok for a good friend to inflict such pain.

LongLiveGreenElizabeth Fri 25-Jul-08 12:15:58

Objectivity, I had a friend like that. She was great when I was dumped, depressed, on anti-depressants.... but when I got my groove back, she said mean things. I coulnd't understand it.

If YOU know that your relationship is really back on track and your husband deserves your forgiveness, and you're as sure as you CAN be that he won't do it again,,,,,,,, then you should tell her.

Maybe she thinks he's still a CAD, and she is exasperated becuase he put so much energy into supporting you and you're still with him. So there could be that level of exasperation there for her. BUT, it's your life and three years on, that's time for the dust to settle! If you're happy, she SHOULD accept that.

foothesnoo Fri 25-Jul-08 12:16:50

Perhaps she doesn't realise how much it hurts you. I would talk to her and be really honest - say show great and supportive she has been for you but that now she is upsetting you and that you want her to stop bringing it up. Although you are over it and your marriage is great now, you really don't want to be reminded about it at every opportunity and it's still not something you feel comfortable with her making jokes about.

If she still doesn't take the hint then I would move on from her. Some people thrive on the misfortunes of others and like to be in the thick of trauma in caring mode. They find it hard when the 'victim' moves on and becomes happy again.

Alexa808 Fri 25-Jul-08 12:19:56

Hello OD, how lucky you are to have come out on the other side & are happy.

As pointed out before, I don't think she's a friend. She sounds jealous that you've made it work with your DH. Her urging you to take him back, she maybe thought you'd end up in more misery with him...

She probably felt superior to you when you were so down and took pity, but now that you guys are back stronger than ever she hates to see you are doing so well (better than her?). She sounds like a frenemie.

Something like this happened to me. Exactly same thing. The girl who I'd been through uni with, drinking pal, best mate would say the same stuff, always remind me, never let it rest, imply that I'm stupid to stay instead of finding someone else. I cut her out of my life. Zip. It hurt, I still sometimes think of it. But to rest my hurting heart I had to stop her vicious comments and snide remarks.

I'm sorry for you. I really know how it feels. >Hugs<

Alexa808 Fri 25-Jul-08 12:21:30

frenemy, sry.

HumphreySmallPillow Fri 25-Jul-08 12:22:18

objectivity's post hits the nail on the head, I think.

itati Fri 25-Jul-08 12:25:09

TBH she is NOT a friend. She was great for you at the time but she is CRAP for you now. Ditch her. You and your DH have moved on and well done for that. It is her problem now. She sounds vile tbh.

sparkletoes Fri 25-Jul-08 12:26:19

OH MY GOD what a complete cow!! shock

I really don't understand it when women act like this with eachother but reckon it is usually down to the green eyed monster. Maybe she felt useful to you as a shoulder to cry on and now you have life sorted - well done by the way! - she doesn't know how to cope with the friendship?? Who knows, whatever the reason there is absolutely no excuse for her behaviour. If you want to keep her friendship you need to tell her and see if she changes but I would tell her to get stuffed.

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