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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

No more babies :(

53 replies

Spongebob · 08/02/2005 13:17

My DP has just told me that he dosen't want any more children.(Although refuses to have the snip!! Coward) I had planned to have two...Have one DS 6 months. Although it has been tough (no friends or family nearby) and I also am happy with just the one, I feel selfish to bring him up an only child. Feel he needs a brother or sister. Am I depriving him if I decide not to have any more?

OP posts:

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logic · 08/02/2005 13:21

If you feel that you want another one and can afford it and manage ok then it'll be difficult not to be resentful I suppose Is there any reason for him not wanting another one? Does he have children from a previous relationship?

nnosam · 08/02/2005 13:25

when my ds was born i said and my dh said that he would be an only child, however ds is now 2+ and for the last 4 mths we have been thinking about another one.
men tend to say something and then change their minds.
dont get upset just yet, things change..

Spongebob · 08/02/2005 13:25

No he dosen't have any other children. When I ask him why? he says he feels neglected and he didn't realize how much it would change our lives. We are older parents (both 39) He says if we were younger he would consider it.

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sansouci · 08/02/2005 13:26

Wow! This is right up my street. When dh & I finally got married (he'd been divorced & had two dds from previous marriage), dh refused to even consider having any more kids. I got pregnant a year later accidently-on-purpose (thanks, Persona!) & we had such a row that I threw my wedding ring at him. Anyway, dd was born in 2000 & 2 years later, I was pregnant with ds. I'm basically an only child (2 half-sisters who are 10 yrs younger & live on the other side of the world) & my argument was that it's pretty lonely. Since dh & I are older parents, I also mentioned that it would good for them to have each other when dh & I are decrepit and gaga. (That way they can play pass-the-parents at Christmas, etc. ). Maybe 6 months is too soon? Wait awhile & gather your powers of persuasion... good luck, Spongebob & keep me posted!

moondog · 08/02/2005 13:28

What about YOU Spongebob? Do you feel neglected by him? (Presumably he is resentful of the demands your child puts on you.)

ixel · 08/02/2005 13:29

Dh said that.
Then I talked him round to 'maybe'.
Then to 'when ds is 2'.
Then to 'when we move house'.
Then to 'even if we dont move house'.
And last night I talked him into 'start trying on valentine's day'. !!

I'm not saying people always change their minds, but thre's hope. Dh started changing when ds got 'more interactive' as he put it!!

Spongebob · 08/02/2005 13:29

Thanks. The very fact that he wont have the snip is promising! I may be thanking persona too Will wait and see. Its still early days I suppose and he may forget the sleepless nights and extra chores.

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sansouci · 08/02/2005 13:34

I've heard quite a few men say that they enjoy their children much more after the 1st year, when babies do more than eat, sleep, cry & sh*t.

Spongebob · 08/02/2005 13:36

I hadn't even thought about being neglegted by him! Tbh I have been completely wrapped up in DS. I lost a baby v late into the pregnancy a couple of years ago, when DS was born I was so totally besotted with him! I suppose I am neglecting DP. I still sleep with DS in his room - I just thought he felt the same way as me. He does love him and is a great Dad, I think he misses our freedom and social life..which at the moment, I dont!

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pinkroses · 08/02/2005 13:39

I would say if he was absolutely sure....like my dh.....he would have the snip!! My dh never ever wanted the snip, but we have two kids...2 and 1 and since having ds(1) he has been talking of getting the snip. I took this as a clear sign he doesn't want any more kids. I've been delaying him getting it done as I'm not completely sure yet.

sansouci · 08/02/2005 13:39

Ummmm. I can see why he might be a little hesitant about having another baby.

bundle · 08/02/2005 13:40

spongebob, you already have two children (and dh is the bigger baby by the sound of it). tell him to wake up & smell the coffee, ffs. it was around the time that dd1 was a year old that i got dh and her to go out together (music group on a saturday) and it paid off in dividends, they became much closer and we had our 2nd daughter nearly 2 years ago. yes, it's tough, yes your social life is a fraction of what it used to be but what was he expecting? and if you get your head around that then it can be fun and loving and nice. grrrrr

Spongebob · 08/02/2005 13:45

I think he's being a bit childish too. He says its hard etc etc. But if he did a quarter of what I do, he'd have reason to moan. He still has his nights out, visits to gym etc.

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bundle · 08/02/2005 13:47

the odd night out for you wouldn't go amiss...why not get him to babysit?

Spongebob · 08/02/2005 13:50

I'm going to soon Ive been so knackered its been treat just to flop on the sofa and watch tv. And I only have one babe (shame on me)

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princesspeahead · 08/02/2005 13:54

I think you should try to start getting back to normal as a family. Move back into the marital bed (leaving ds in his own room). Go out for an evening AT LEAST once a month (once a week if you can manage it) and talk about anything other than ds. Go out on the weekends and do things that you and dh like to do, with ds in a buggy. You can't blame him for not wanting another child now, if his life is COMPLETELY upside-down from the first one still, I don't think....

princesspeahead · 08/02/2005 13:55

I mean go out for an evening WITH DH, not by yourself!!!
Leave ds with family/friend/babysitting agency/anyone reliable....

Tinker · 08/02/2005 13:56

Bundle! Dads don't babysit there own children

sandyballs · 08/02/2005 13:56

Spongebob - don't drift apart over this. 6 months is a long time to sleep with your ds and I'm not suprised your DH feels neglected. It's so important to try to stay close as a couple while your kids are tiny. Make some effort to get out together, get a babysitter. I can understand you when you say you're besotted, I do think a baby is like a love affair for their mums, but I don't think dads (as much as they love them) feel quite the same.

Spongebob · 08/02/2005 13:57

Will move back on Valentines! Just know I will be wearing the carpet out checking and peeping.

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bundle · 08/02/2005 13:58

they do in our house! and I babysit for him (occasionally...)

bundle · 08/02/2005 13:59

gosh, had missed the bit about sleeping in ds's room. sorry, was a bit ranty...

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moondog · 08/02/2005 14:03

I don't think you can spend 6 mths sleeping away from your dh and NOT expect him to be a bit pissed off to be honest.My dh kicked up a fuss about being kicked out of our bed for less than a week when ds was born! (Didn't know whether to be flattered or irritated..) Your comment about not noticing whether or not he is neglected is very telling. There seems no room for anything in your life but the baby. No wonder he is reticent for more!
Why can't the baby sleep in your room with you both?

Spongebob · 08/02/2005 14:04

Hmm. He insisted we both go in the spare room so as not to disturb him too much.

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moondog · 08/02/2005 14:04

Hear hear Tinker!!! Drives me MAD when people say that!

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