Husbands "RIGHTS"

[shackled]

just wanted some opinions....
i have recently separated from my husband.. and he seems to tnink it is his "ABSOLUTE RIGHT" to know exactly what is going on in my life.
He wants to know if I am "in relationship" with a new person who I have met since leaving him. At the moment it is a close frienship which has every possibility of developing into something very much more but the only reason my husband wants to know is so that he can do me for adultery as he does not accept the reasons I gave him for our marriage breakdown.(he is a staunch RC so if he cant get me on adultery he will make me wait the 5 yrs )
I know that he still loves me but I dont love him and it seems that he just will not accept/can't accept this fact and I do feel very sorry about it all BUT I feel I am justified in wanting to get on with my life now and it is none of his affair....
What do you all think?? am I being unreasonable??
by the way.. no children no financial/property commitments

[beanieb]

Have you formally separated? I am not sure if he could legally claim adultery if you started a relationship after you split or is he looking at it in terms of his faith?

[AbbeyA]

YANBU- you are entitled to get on with your own life- especially as you don't seem to have commitments to tie you together.

[shackled]

I guess its the faith thing.We have't legally separated as such just I moved out of our home and haven't been back since.I know its hard for him with his faith but he does try and force the moral high ground with me in a fanatical way and i feel he is determined that I should 'pay' for what at the moment i haven't done.Guess he would like me to walk the road of shame amd wave a divocre paper saying adultery to everyone.

[Flamesparrow]

If it gets you out of the marriage quicker, does it matter if he does it on grounds of adultery? You know it isn't true. I don't know much about divorce etc so I don't know if it affects anything in the long run.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

If he has no evidence of adultery then he can't cite it. Deny deny deny even if you do start something with him. It's none of his business. He sounds quite angry and unreasonable.

[RubySlippers]

see a solicitor if you haven't already to get some clarification about the situation

[Freckle]

If you are married and have sexual intercourse with someone who isn't your spouse, then you have committed adultery, whether you are living with your spouse or not.

What reasons did you give for the breakdown of your marriage? If you can cite unreasonable behaviour, you won't have to wait 5 years, regardless of his faith.

[shackled]

Do you think that I should just keep denying to him its a "relationship" until such time as I would actually be lying if I denied it? I think he is just waiting until he has what he thinks is proof, but nowadays it seems that it is quite difficult to 'prove' and maybe a lawyer would tell him that.I wouldnt want to get as far as him thinking he had proof and trying to defend it if I was gulty as it were.I know the decision was mine to leave but I don't want to hand everything to him on a plate so he can be triumphant and blame everything on that and not actually accept the true reasons for my leaving him.

[shackled]

Thank you all for your replies
I can't cite his unreasonable behaviour as that wouldnt be true to be honest unfortunatley.
To be honest I made a truly tragic/ grave/ serious mistake in getting married thinking that what I felt for him was an absolute deep love and v soon after ( months) found to my own disbelief that this was not so.I was more his mother and friend than a wife if you see what I mean.We had never lived together in the full sense of the term either ( I will leave you all to come to your own conclusions)
Its all very sad. But he is winding me up about going on about stuff he is very archaic and victorian in his attitude.
I just cant believe I was so blind but there you go I take all the blame as it was my own folly that has got us in this position and I do feel v v v guilty that he is suffering more about the faith/marriage side as he is so devout than I am.

[HappyWoman]

I think a solicitor would advice him of not going down the adultry route anyway.

But does it really matter - if you have ssen a solitor and have your reasons for divorce anyway.

He is probably very hurt and angry and will never accept his part for the breakup anyway - so he would still say it was your fault whatever the divorce papers say.

You should not have to lie to him

Get to a solicitor and get your reasons down first and then get on with the rest of your life as it is none of his bussiness now.

[Freckle]

Unreasonable behaviour can cover a multitude of behaviours. It doesn't have to be violence, nastiness, etc. It can behaviour of his which impacts very negatively on your life. It can be the withholding of sex, it can be lack of emotional support, it can be financial control, etc.

What are the reasons for your separation?

[BalloonSlayer]

Firstly I agree that he has no "right" to know anything. He needs to realise that the one of the points of breaking up with someone is that they don't have any "rights" over you any more.

There are two types of adultery, so to speak, where a divorce petition is concerned.

If, once you are in a new relationship, you feel like you can tell him you are in a new relationship but manage to keep your new man's identity from him, he can divorce you for adultery with an unnamed person. That wouldn't be so bad, and if he has had no one else but you have, then it would be true.

If however he knows the name, then he can name the other party as co-respondent. That tends to feel pretty crap for the co-respondent . . . it tends to be used mainly when your spouse has left you FOR someone (as just about the only thing that can make the deserted partner feel marginally better).

Coming from the other side of the coin for a mo, when my Ex left me I was pretty devastated and I am sure he told people I was an awful wife. As a religious person I was concerned about what my divorced status would mean for my ever being able to get married again.

A lot of religions/ christian denominations cite adultery as the only real grounds for divorce. There is a slightly ambiguous verse in the new testament to that effect - I interpreted it to my advantage . I divorced my ex for adultery for that reason - I waited till he admitted he had a girlfriend and did the no-name type.

The RCs however believe there is no such thing as a divorce. As a devout RC he may be hoping he will get an annulment. This would mean trying to prove the marriage wasn't really a marriage. I can find you more information if you are interested. If he does get an annulment, although you may legally be divorced, in the eyes of the RC church you are still married: if he marries again he is a bigamist and his children will be illegitimate. And yes they will tell him this, I know from bitter experience!

[NotActuallyAMum]

You didn't live together? I hate to be so personal and blunt but did you have sex? If not I'm fairly certain you can have the marriage anulled

[itati]

It might be an idea to spend some time on your own for a while before embarking on a new relationship. You, hopefully, are on this earth for a long time so why not have some of it on your own? It sounds like it is going to be a difficult situation so why make it worse?

[BalloonSlayer]

That should have said

if he doesn't get an annulment you will be still married in the eyes of the RC church

[motherinferior]

Yes, I was thinking that if it was unconsummated you've got a get out of jail free card.

And (I realise this is not madly helpful) I don't think people have any rights over other people at all. Except children's rights to decent parenting, obviously. Obligations, yes, ways in which one might be expected to behave properly and decently; but not rights.

[shackled]

we didnt live together before we were married is what I should have said perhaps.
But the marriage was consummated unfortunately otherwise that would be so much easier in this situation I realize. I really should have known better...but got swept up into the whole chaste side of things if you like from the moral religious point of view.
I would be willing to go for an anulment after divorce as I think I have good grounds .. but who knows with the RC tribunal its not as easy as it appears.
I was on anti depressants before the wedding and for 3 months after...and I have witnesses who could vouch for the fact that even a week before the wedding I was in a right state and confused but still I went ahead thinking it was nerves and not truly admitting to myself even then that things were not right.
I know that it was totally totally stupid and wrong and foolish not thinking of the repercussions but I think i was just beyond seeing real sense and didnt have a grip on it all.I am really not asking for sympathy on that score I take full responsibilty for my stupidity and am devastated to inflict this breakdown and its religious bearing on him. Thanks for your support.
I guess I just need to get a sense of perspective on it all... and not totally beat myself up about it .. makes me feel like

[BalloonSlayer]

"I have witnesses who could vouch for the fact that even a week before the wedding I was in a right state and confused but still I went ahead thinking it was nerves and not truly admitting to myself even then that things were not right. "

• that's the sort of stuff you need for an annulment. I reckon you'd be in with a pretty good chance. BUT only if YOU want one. If it's only him that's bothered, let him do it.

My personal view is that the church's position is pretty unchristian. When a marriage breaks down it is devastating for all concerned - to insist that all parties should remain together in unmitigated misery for the rest of their natural life and be denied the chance to create a real loving relationships with other people is, imo, inhuman.

[Freckle]

Thing is you really only need a divorce if you want to remarry. Other than that, there's no reason why you couldn't just live separately for the 5 years until you can divorce on those grounds.

If, partway through the 5 years, you meet someone else and want to remarry, you could probably cite unreasonable behaviour along the lines of having lived separately, his not contributing to your upkeep, etc. A good solicitor could advise further on that score. It's very rare these days for anyone to have to wait the 5 years when one party is unwilling to agree to a divorce.

[Seabright]

Are you RC too? If not, leave him to worry about the religous side of things - you don't need too.

The adultary would have to have been before the separation, so if you still haven't "done the deed" with the new man, you're OK.

You can get a legal seperation before a divorce (especially if it looks like it will take 5 years). Go and see a solicitor.

[MsDemeanor]

You can't leave it years then cite unreasonable behaviour. It has to be recent unreasonable behaviour. It sounds as if while you are married he thinks you belong to him - not healthy for you, not healthy for him. Either let him do you for adultery, or cite unreasonable behaviour. it can be anything - being mean with money, disapproving of your friends, not wanting to go on holiday with you, not having sex with you - anything. Presumably there must be stuff you found unacceptable as you left him.
I'd say, make it legal now.

[shackled]

can you tell me what difference a 'legal seperation'would make for me? I am unsure as to the benefit. I know it would cost quite a bit too as i have enquired.We have not been married a year yet either so he can cite unreasonable behaviour which i said i would agree to but he doesn't want that it seems Or adultery. otherwise the married 2yrs and then mutual 9doubt it) I couldnt be so mean as to cite unreasonable behavoiur on his side that seems to low. some of the things mentioned by you guys do ring true tho but at the end of the day i just felt I didnt love him and those other things compounded it in my mind that we were totally mismatched.

[NotActuallyAMum]

Are you happy to wait 2 years before you start proceedings? If not, then one of you has to divorce the other for either adultery or unreasonable behaviour

[MsDemeanor]

You have given him the option to divorce you, which he isn't taking. You don't want to be married to him and are never going back, plus you are finding him oppressive and controlling and overbearing now. I really think you need to put this behind you for BOTH your sakes and if he won't divorce you, then the only sensible option is for you to divorce him, and unreasonable behaviour will do it. Nobody need read the details except you and him. And you will get your divorce. I think this is a messy situation that would be better and healthier if it were cleaned up.

[amidaiwish]

i really think you would get an annulment

• your mental state before the wedding
• the short time you've been married
• no children

etc. etc.

they're not that hard to come by in these circumstances. Are you RC or just him? Could you go and speak to the priest who married you? The priest obviously didn't prepare you properly for marriage or it wouldn't have gone ahead. That's his responsibility. It'll be in his interests to get it annulled rather than divorce esp after such a short period. I am RC and my sister has been through this incase you were wondering...