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Am I alone...second marriage ending and gah! I feel so hideous.

(11 Posts)
KumquatMaye Thu 24-Jul-08 23:19:17

Has anyone ever sat here about to start a thread about something really painful, really personal, but really needing to find support? I will try and explain what is happening to me at the moment. I would love to know there is/are other people out there who have been in this place and how life went on from there.

First, you need to know that this is my first marriage. I am 35 and was married first when I was 21, he was violent and after 2 short years it ended, I never looked back in terms of missing him etc but always felt the 'black sheep' deeply disappointed that my little Waltons dream had not come true! As a result I rushed into marriage number 2.

Now nearly 10 years on I am as unhappy as I know how to be. I won't go into all the ins and outs of how this marriage has stumbled and fallen, but it's not violent or abusive. The simmered down version is that 1/we probably rushed and were never all that right for each other in the fundamental ways, 2/after saying he wanted 4 kids, he 'changed his mind' shortly after getting married to me, breaking my heart. I kicked and fought like a cougar until we had ds and then dd. He consented to both of them, especially ds, but then has found he hates the 'work of it', being a family, commitment, responsibility (I know, I know - I should have listened before having dd but I didn't - could't face my dreams being destroyed again, more humiliation.

So now I have the perfect kids - they are awesome. And a partner who does not want me or to be in the marriage.

But I don't know if I can be brave enough to end it for good. It means accepting that I have failed, AGAIN, living with all the approbation and gossip, letting everyone down. It means letting go for good all of my dreams of 'walton's life' (lol) and saying goodbye to being Mrs Somebody. Even though our relationship is a sham, those were my dreams and it's hard to let go. Or...

Do I stubbornly refuse to give up? Ride out the storm...I am so confused and if anyone has any advice for me or help I will be more grateful than I can say.

Thank you.

KumquatMaye Thu 24-Jul-08 23:20:03

Err.....NOT my first marriage, as you can probably work out! Sorry.

youcannotbeserious Thu 24-Jul-08 23:22:45

I think you already know the answer.

Think of your kids = would you want them to live a lie so that other people thought they were happy, or would you want them to be truly happy and bugger what anyone else thought?

I know what I'd choose for my DS and I think you do to.

GOod luck!

troubledfriend Fri 25-Jul-08 01:12:56

the most wonderful woman I know is on marriage number 3.
Noone is counting!

Don't live in misery.
Life is too short xx

MeMySonAndI Fri 25-Jul-08 01:25:18

You have not failed, not this time, neither the other one. Everything we do prepare us for the future and I'm sure that what you have learned about relationships in the last years will prepare you to cope with whatever the future brings you.

And you don't need to be Mrs Somebody, being yourself is good enough, so good that you have married twice.

If you think this marriage deserves to be saved, do whatever it takes. But if you think is beyond help... well... sometimes is more difficult to take the decission than to deal with the consequences of it. You were ok last time, you will be OK again should you decide to end it.

KumquatMaye Fri 25-Jul-08 10:06:26

I feel really cheered today logging on and reading your responses...thank you so so so much.

I actually find myself agreeing with your comments cos I know deep down they are true. I don't think it is a valid reason to keep flogging the dead horse just because I am afraid of what it will 'make me' if I admit it is over. And yes, MeMy, sure have learned alot about relationships!!! lol.

I wonder if it is common to have a second marriage fail because of not really dealing with the stuff from the first...one thing for sure, not getting married in a hurry again!!!

SlartyBartFast Fri 25-Jul-08 10:10:58

someone advised on here once - life is too long for a bad relationship, slightly different perspective.
2 failed marriages are not the be all and end all. knowing when to quit is quite important, and something a lot of us coudl learn i am sure

Boco Fri 25-Jul-08 10:11:18

The waltons were all freaky weirdos anyway, who wants to be a walton? All grew up to be gin addled crack whores I bet.

You don't mention if you actually love this man. You talk about it only in relation to how it might look or who might be watching and feeling like you've failed. Those things aren't important - the thing that counts is if you love him and want it to work, or if you don't love him and it's making you miserable.

KumquatMaye Fri 25-Jul-08 19:02:23

OMG Boco you are so right. Your post really made me think hard.

I think I know the answer and it's quite painful to admit but I think he has hurt me so much that any love that was there crawled off to a cave to lick its wounds.

I come from a family where everyone stays effortlessly married for ever (well I know not effortless but you know what I mean) so yes I do think a lot about how the new me will relate to my family. I am also terrified for the kids' sake, for even though he has hardly ever been there, they adore him as kids do. It is the going into the unknown that is scary too...don't know how they'll cope. We are quite amicable in the sense that we both agree the kids come first in terms of sorting contact, money etc. He is a decent guy. But not the one for me - I started to realise this about 8 motnhs after we married and we are just coming up to 10 years.

As you say, Slarty, life is too long...

Love you all for helping me thank you so much.

itati Fri 25-Jul-08 19:07:05

You will only have failed if you rush into another marriage.

Have an honest talk with your husband to see where you both are and move on from there. Either in a strong, loving marriage or as two parents living separately.

You all deserve to be happy and your children may well be happier with parents living apart.

Good luck.

RubyRioja Fri 25-Jul-08 19:09:44

You poor thing. I can see that you feel sad that a marriage has failed, but that takes two - not just you. I'd look on it as the triumph of hope over a horrid experience which also gave you your lovely children. Write the other one off as a 'starter' marriage.

Also I think anyone who is married knows that it is not easy to be or stay married. Anyone who does not 'get' that is either very lucky or very stupid.

AND the Waltons had terrible relationships - there was a new disaster every week, and no-one ever gew to be emotionally mature enough to leave home.

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