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Support needed... I have finally left DP

(17 Posts)
StarSparkle Thu 24-Jul-08 17:03:18

If anyone has been following my threads... i have finally left a controlling DP after 8 years together and a DD who is 2 and a half yrs old.

All blew up yesterday when we had a fight about me going with twin sis's DP for to see if he has chrones desiease

(i'm awlful at spelling so please excuse the errors)

To cut a long story short he has been controlling about the friends,family,his family i see from day one.

Yesterday he said id you hate it so much then just go.... take DD with tyou , when shes 10 or so she will know what her mum is like and come back to me anyway.

Luckly me parents live in the same area and i have been house sitting for them twice a day so could take DD to theirs. We have been away from DP for just under 24hrs... he hasn't even phoned to speak to DD.

I don't want to talk to him, but would not get between him and DD as she is his daughter.

I left my engagement ring with him so he knew i wasn't going to be spiteful and also that i ment what i said.

Now getting the urge to ring him and try to talk to him about this situation - however i know if i do this will be seen as a weakness on my part.

I have been speaking to my sis, nan and mum about this and they all say be strong, don't do it. However I don't want DD to miss out on her daddy. The problems between me and DP has always been with us..not DD.

Your suggestions please MN! Thanks

JRocks Thu 24-Jul-08 17:06:30

I think your family are right, certainly in the short term. You need some space. To be honest he should be trying to call you to sort out time with his daughter, it isn't up to you to arrange it for him, especially as you've no desire to come between them.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Thu 24-Jul-08 17:06:50

i think you should give it some time before you call him. everythiong will still be very raw atm and you may end up going back, which is not what you really want.

i agree with your mum wait a while untill you feel stronger. good luck and well done with taking the first step he sounds like an arse you better off with out him

StarSparkle Thu 24-Jul-08 17:09:57

Thanks... i just feel that after 8 yrs of being with him i don't know who i am anymore, he controlled me so much that i find myself trying to break out the cycle of thinking like him....

I know that this is going to be hard and i have to stand my ground

I just don't want DD to be without her dad.

MyHeadIsSpinning Thu 24-Jul-08 17:14:09

starsparkle I am going through the exact same feelings. Diff circumstances but know exactly how you feel - not sur ehow to do a link but my thread is 'how am I going to get through this '

Think we will be doing ourselves a favour by holding strong at this point. Don't talk to him yet as you , like me, probably would crumble and give him yet another chance.

Thinking about you - it's horrid but just keep telling yourself you can do it!

PortAndLemon Thu 24-Jul-08 17:19:44

If he wants to see your DD he knows where you are and how to get in touch. Not calling him isn't getting between him and his DD.

piratecat Thu 24-Jul-08 17:28:17

you won't find yourself yet, it will take time, but i promise you will get there.

Keep talking to your loved ones, and taking advice.

Blu Thu 24-Jul-08 17:30:20

Your DD will manage a couple of days without speaking to her dad, especialy if you are in a different place and a different routine - just concentrate on you - not what he is or is not doing.

And remember if you DO ring - that's exactly what he's waiting fo you to do. If control has been the problem, don't dance round him, (phone, ask use DD to attract his attention etc etc) it will only replicate the pattern he wants.

You've left him to be self-sufficient, so do i. You've said you will be flexible and supportiv about him maintaing a relationship with his dd, but you don't need to beg or wheedle him to do that. let him take control of what he chooses to do fo him,rather than controlling you to do things, iyswim.

StarSparkle Thu 24-Jul-08 17:33:49

I agree blu... thats why am being strong to not call him.

Just feeling twitchy as i have left my flat/our family life behind.

Was was suprised that loved ones here also wondering when i would leave as they saw him as controlling.... funny how things turn out !

Thanks for the support people !

MrsTiddles Thu 24-Jul-08 19:17:43

you need the dust to settle before you speak to him. why do you need to speak to him anyway?

The negotiations over custody etc can be done through legal channels, if you've left him for good there is nothing more to be said in my humble opinion. If that makes sense...

JumpingDizzy Thu 24-Jul-08 19:25:55

I've just dumped an obsessive bf. In retrospect it's amazing what you miss??
Keep posting and don't go back. I'm not don't miss him a bit but wasn't with him long. It'll be much harder for you but it'll get easier.
Good luck x

StarSparkle Thu 24-Jul-08 20:21:47

Thanks MrsTiddles I understand what you are saying.

JumpingDizzy - it is hard as we were together for 8 yr... i have to leave flat move back with parents ect . But i feel if i went on any longer, i would self destruct . Thanks for the support - most kind grin

JumpingDizzy Thu 24-Jul-08 20:27:21

yes but you'll get a place of your own before long. Just think of the good things. Enjoy your child and get out and meet people (if you're not already) and by that I don't mean dating. Just make the most of every day.

StarSparkle Thu 24-Jul-08 22:39:50

Thanks jumpingdizzy... i don't want to date anyone at all...just want to be independent and enjoy lovely DD

I have been in relationships for the last 11 yrs of my life... feel like i want to be on my own and realize who i really am - i know it's easier said then down - but this is my life... you only get one and i don't want to waste it

Thanks for support MNetters smile

davidtennantsmistress Thu 24-Jul-08 22:45:52

he doesn't have to miss out on being a daddy to his daughter - and you don't have to stop them, but just cos he's her dad doesn't mean that you have to give in or remain his partner iycwim?

I was in your position more or less this time last year - well about 11 months ago, (after 8 years as well) you do find yourself, and oddly enough you remember who you were prior to meeting them.

take comfort in your family and accept all the help, love and support they'll give you.

also - to be honest if it wasn't for DS I wouldn't be here now, i'd have sunk so be with your DD, keep her close by and spend all the time you can with her.

and living with your folks - hey it's not that bad. for one thing you have ready made baby sitters! lol.

chin up chick - you'll have bad days and good days. just keep talking everythin thru.

StarSparkle Thu 24-Jul-08 23:17:12

Thanks davidstennant

Is good to hear comments from someone who has 'been there'

finding it a little strange at the mo... but am getting there as have not phoned him ! Yay ! My folks are on hols at mo and sorta glad me and dp had a fight as been house/cat sitting.

One of mums cats has a enlarged heart and was given 6 mths to live 13 mths ago... came round to folks place with dd and 20 mins later mums cat was going in to heart failure . Had to phone twin sis as i don't drive and not much cash due to walking out on dp to take poorly cat to out of hours vets... we left her there and they phoned sis at 12am to say no more they can do for cat and has to be put to sleep.

Due to late hour me and dd took a taxi over there this morning and picked up mums cat (she is very close to her animals and gets really upset when they die)

Luckily finally got through to her and told her what happen...lots of tears.

In a way i'm glad that me and dp had that row otherwise mums cat would have been on her own and suffered... funny how things turn out !

JumpingDizzy Fri 25-Jul-08 12:54:39

Yes it was meant to be. Sorry to hear about the cat though.

Keep strong honey you'll get there x

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