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Anyone that WAS a single mum, but has now found a fella, do you ever.................

(24 Posts)
flubdub Thu 24-Jul-08 01:51:59

wish you could go back to be on your own, with your kids again? EVER? Even if its only once, for a few minutes.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Thu 24-Jul-08 01:57:50

yes quite often actually as a lot of family things seem much more simple dont they? you dont have to worry about ignoring the hoovering in favour of your teething baby or which school they will go to or getting the dionner on the table on time (not that my dh expects these things everyday)

but i would not go back to be single for all the tea in china, though i often suspect that is because of all the connations that are put on single mums? cue lots of questions to dh about "well what do your family think of dd?" "she is very young they must wonder where her dad is?" "do your family think i sleep around a lot?" etc

flubdub Thu 24-Jul-08 11:12:59

Thanks SheSells

LadySanders Thu 24-Jul-08 11:16:01

i sometimes look back fondly to a time when there were less pants and socks to wash... though now have another son with new dp so have multiplied the pants quota!

littlewoman Thu 24-Jul-08 11:19:09

I didn't move in with new DP, so I'm lucky to run my own house under my rules, no extra washing or nagging, and get taken out on dates and treated like a girlfriend.

Bolleaux to ever, EVER, living with a bloke again grin

missjennipenni Thu 24-Jul-08 11:20:17

Not so far, but we have only lived together for 2 months so far lol

Flllight Thu 24-Jul-08 11:24:04

May I ask you something Littlewoman, please? When I have tied having a partner under those conditions, as it were, I have always found I had very little time for them due to the fact I had to manage everything and still find time for a boyfriend iyswim. So I felt rather resentful and wanted them to want to live with us really...though I would not like to guess how my housekeeping skills might match up to expectations!!
So...do you not want him to help out more or be a Dad to your children - that is if he isn't like one already. Forgive my bad attempt at asking what is supposed to be a genuine, simple question hmmsmile

Flllight Thu 24-Jul-08 11:25:32

Sorry that sounded very muddled and probably rude, not supposed to - and tried rather than 'tied' grin

I despair of ever being with a bloke, same house or not - I am such a difficult person to get on with!

flubdub Thu 24-Jul-08 11:31:08

Ive always known thatI shouldnt live with men. Im too much hard work. Im a nag and set in my ways. I never bloody learn though do I??

littlewoman Thu 24-Jul-08 11:42:42

This reply will be as complicated as my life, flllight grin

I was married and had 2 DD's.

I married a second time and had 4 more DC's with XH2 (so 6 DC's in all).

I didn't like XH2's parenting generally, but his behaviour towards my 2 eldest DD's was particularly harsh.

No man is ever going to step-parent my children again. NOT because I think all men are crap, but I just can't take the risk of finding that I've made a bad choice again lol.

But yes, it does mean that there is not a lot of time for DP because I've got the DC's, the house, my degree/dissertation, and then DP to fit into my life.

DP complains that he comes at the bottom of a long line of people for my attention, but this isn't true. I don't have a long line of people, with him at the bottom, I have four areas of my life (DC's, house, degree, DP) which I am constantly trying to treat equally and fairly. If he doesn't get much time or attention, well neither do any of the other areas, and it's up to him to take it or leave it.

But I am lucky because XH2 has the 3 youngest DC's two nights a week, and DD's 1, 2 and 3 are old enough to babysit if I want to go out at other times. Otherwise DP comes round at about 9pm to sit with me, when young DC's are in bed.

If you can't get out, it would make this arrangement much harder, obviously.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Thu 24-Jul-08 11:49:19

my dh is a great dad to my dd1 but i didnt want him to be a first. i told him that she was my responsibility and my child and he wasnt expected to take her on. luckily he ignored me! and we have dd2 now together and he treats them both the same. he is adamant that dd1 is his child.

but i think i may have been lucky enough to find one of the good ones! it doesnt always feel like it and there would be less house work and cooking if i was still single, but there would also be no looking forward to him coming home to take over the care of the constantly screaming teething baby.

citylover Thu 24-Jul-08 12:03:25

I have been giving this alot of thought recently because I am fairly sure I don't want to live with a man again - well not while I have got youngish children anyway.

And I also veer between thinking my boys need positive male role model and then thinking that I don't want/need any man I might meet to be a father to them.

They do have a father who they see and who has just had new babies with his P. But I feel he is very negative with them and critical of them but of course he is their dad and I encourage (and nag him) to see them at least every other weekend and one night during the week.

I do have someone I see and who I feel very compatible with but feel that living with him would be fraught with difficulty and issues (stepfamily, not much time for each other) that would be very hard to overcome, however much you loved each other.

And I don't think I have the energy for it to be honest.

So am with you LW.

FAQ Thu 24-Jul-08 12:07:46

I have a new DP - been seeing him nearly 3 months. We don't live together, and I have no intentions of us living together anytime soon.

He often comes round here though - and (thankfully) completely turns a blind eye to the pigsty that my house generally is (although he has been known to tidy stuff up for me totally off his own back grin)

littlewoman Thu 24-Jul-08 12:13:54

Hey, CL, haven't seen you in ages

I think the thing is with me, my 'dream' has died. (I am aware how pathetic that sounds!!)
But I used to believe in mum, dad and the DC's, and I kept trying to build that unit.

It went wrong with my dad, with my 1st XH, and with my 2nd XH.

Now I just don't want that dream anymore. For me, it's an illusion. So I will do whatever is best for me and the DC's.

I do worry about role models, though, because XH2 is very negative and controlling, very narcissistic. However, DP is a sweetheart. Very kind and would do aything for anybody, but also a massive great hulk of a bloke and not afraid of anyone, so I'm hoping his influence will wear off on the DC's, even if they don't live together.

lou33 Thu 24-Jul-08 12:14:32

i had someone i ended it finally with yesterday

and i feel relieved actually

littlewoman Thu 24-Jul-08 12:18:53

Shesells (I can't even type it, let alone say it grin ) - if you have found someone you are happy with then that is the mostanyone can ask for. Like FAQ, who has also found someone who helps out. That's lovely, and just what is needed.

Perhaps it's a trust thing with me - I don't trust them not to turn into an arse two years down the line, because my experiece of men is that they are arses that care more for themselves than their family (I know this is not true of all men, but that is my experience of every man I have ever lived with, including dad, and I don't know how to choose a good one. So I can't put my DC's and me through yet another one of my poor choices).

littlewoman Thu 24-Jul-08 12:20:07

Oh, I'm sorry lou. Hope you are okay.

It's not nice to feel alone, even if it is for the best in the long run.

lou33 Thu 24-Jul-08 12:23:03

no i am v sure it is the right thing

am just out the door to go away with the kids for a week now

he seemed to think he was still coming until i told him he had no chance

back in a week !

YouWillBeDeleted Thu 24-Jul-08 12:25:05

I've been with dp for 2 years now and he is a wonderful step dad to my dc. The only way in which i think i would prefer to be single is because his mother thinks i am not good enough because i have children and refuses to accept us and reminds dp everytime he mentions them that they are not his. We've lived together for over a year now and are engaged. I do sometimes miss being single and free to go out and 'pull' but wouldn't change anything.

littlewoman Thu 24-Jul-08 12:25:34

Have a fantastic holiday Lou.

Flllight Thu 24-Jul-08 13:22:45

Littlewoman, thanks for taking the time to explain - you sound really sorted actually and I am very impressed with your attitude. I agree that it is a huge rs allowing a man near your children especially if they aren't his as such. I made that mistake a couple of times. It is awfully painful to see that I got it wrong.
Well done for managing to do all those things you do. I hope to be you in a few years!! smile

Flllight Thu 24-Jul-08 13:23:10

risk, that was meant to say - am being kicked by ds2!

littlewoman Thu 24-Jul-08 13:45:29

Youwillbe, I had the same with my MIL. I do not miss her at all, nor her son now I think about it grin But good for you, finding someone you are happy with.

Flllight, no point going through all the crap if we don't learn something at the end of it, eh? I might not mind living with someone when all the kids have left home, but not right now. It's their time now and my main duty is towards them.

missjennipenni Thu 24-Jul-08 14:01:28

I actually have no idea what my MIL2b thinks of my previous single mum status... maybe i should find out!

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