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Long, confusing possibly - I need to change my life but how.

(4 Posts)
QueenEagle Wed 23-Jul-08 19:37:29

I have posted previously (long, long time ago) about some of the problems between me and dh. However, During the last 3 years I have gradually come to realise we are incompatible due to his lack of motivation, pessimistic nature, negative attitude etc and since Christmas just gone I have been even more sure. In April I had a flash of something which was like a light being switched on that I really just cannot go on with him. I don't fancy him and dread the thought of being married to him for a moment longer. However, due to childcare issues I feel completely trapped.

We have sat down at length and he has acknowledged time and again that he has the above traits and he is not able to change them because he is just that way. He tries to be more positive but it changes for a few days then he is back to his usual grumpy old self being inflexible with the kids and lazy around the house.

I really need some advice about what I may be able to do. I have 3 kids from previous marriage aged 16, 14 and 12 who he sees as his, and they see him as Dad. We have 2 together aged 5 and 3. 5 year old is Aspergers. I actually have a sneaky feeling DH may be slightly autistically affected too iyswim.

I work full time shifts including nights and earlies with lots of unexpected overtime which means my finish times are very unpredictable. DH works 4am til 12pm. I have worked very hard to get the job I have and can't consider giving it up.

Options may be:

DH move out and he sees kids around whatever my shifts are.
DH move out, takes 2 of the youngest to live with him (would he get a HA house?) and we work my shifts around them.
I move out.
Stay together, gradually resenting and hating each other more and more.

DH would not be able to afford much in the way of a house/flat big enough for having the kids. Whichever option I consider it comes back to having to stay together purely for the sake of the kids. DH holds out hope that we will get back on track - I know absolutely for sure I can't go on and nothing will chnage that.

Should I stay, sacrifice my own happiness/sanity or make the break now, deal with the stress it will bring in the short(ish) term knowing that I will be happier in the long term? My Dad stayed for 14 years with someone he didn't love and I can't bear the thought I may end up that way.

Views/advice/anything, totally honest would be appreciated.

myredcardigan Wed 23-Jul-08 20:24:12

No real advice just didn't want your post to go unanswered.

If DH were to leave would you have any support? How HF is you son? Will he need you to be his carer long-term? If so, are you happy to perhaps do this single-handedly if need be? Are you absolutely sure you no longer love him?

Which option would you prefer?

With regards a council house. I think if he had day to day care of the kids they would expect him to remain in the family home so would not give him a CH.

Hope you get some better advice soon.

potoftea Wed 23-Jul-08 21:04:35

Hard for anyone to offer advice if they haven't been in your position, but I do know a family where the parents continued to live in the home together, but lived very seperate lives, whilst sharing the upbringing of their dc. Small enough house too, but somehow it worked for them. They each lead very different lives, and one has had some other relationships too.

Could your dh move out for a while even to see how you cope, for instance go stay with family for a few weeks.

I just feel that there is no point upsetting the dc and putting yourself through torment, unless it will actually improve things for you, which is obviously what you're wondering now. If you chose to do nothing this year, it doesn't mean that you can't do it next year and at least all the dc are a year older then. But what do I know, only you can judge if you cannot bear to still be in this situation 6 months from now. Good luck.

QueenEagle Wed 23-Jul-08 21:46:17


I would hope we would continue to work together to do what is best for the kids on a day to day basis. If that means both of us being around when we can depending on our shifts, then isn't that the best way forward? The other option I thought of was having a live out au pair but I would prefer to share it between us tbh rather than introduce a third party if possible.

ds is very HF but has quite difficult behavioural issues especially at school.

The atmosphere at the minute is ok (ish) - we don't speak about personal stuff, we really only talk about stuff to do with the kids. There is no affection, love or sex between us at all. It's very stressful but I bottle it up and put a smile on my face and carry on.

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