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is it normal to not want to have sex, ever. fullstop.

(28 Posts)
boozybird Wed 23-Jul-08 14:42:38

been with DB 5 years, got 2yo DS. used to have sex (obviously!), never loads and i've never had a high sex drive, but since having the nipper i literally am not interested at all. i still find DB really attractive - i just have zero libido, I don't think about sex ever or want to do it ever. it's becoming an issue for me now, because when it's been a week or so i find myself getting anxious at the thought that i will have to do it at some point soon! i just don't get any pleasure from it, almost the opposite now.

is this normal for some people after having kids, or am i a dried up old prune before my time?

i've no idea how to change it. help.

prettyfly1 Wed 23-Jul-08 14:43:39

i dont think its normal to cringe and get anxious at the idea of it - how is your partner finding it?

boozybird Wed 23-Jul-08 14:57:59

he thinks we should do it more, but he doesn't try it on that often. we probably get round to it about once i week. he doesn't know how i feel about it. last time, i was crying, but managed to hide my tears.

when i see that written down i realise that's really not normal! now i feel even more worried. bugger.

belgo Wed 23-Jul-08 14:59:34

Are you on any medication? The pill for example? Some medication can decrease sex drive.

And once a week is quite a lot fir parents of a small child, but it's also quite a lot if you have no sex drive.

lou031205 Wed 23-Jul-08 15:10:47

Is is sex itself, or any physical closeness? I have been married nearly 7 years, and had to remind my DH the other day that (most)women need to be warmed up emotionally and physically, and that full on tongue down throat is not a good first move!

Could you talk to your DB, and suggest that maybe you try some intimate time that definitely does not lead to full-on sex, so that you can relax and just enjoy being with him, knowing that it won't progress to the bit that you dread?

Over time, I think your libido would return, if you can take the pressure off.

HappyWoman Wed 23-Jul-08 15:21:44

Sex drive does change over the years - please try not to worry too much about it.

However i did read once that if only women knew their partners were having an affair for sex they would have made more of an effort iyswim.

My h did have an affair and at the time i did make more of an effort to 'give' him sex, it did help my sex drive to return a bit too.
I think for a while i had forgotten that i actually did enjoy it blush.

Maybe you could try and think about what would give you pleasure (and i know that would be just to go to sleep wink), but seriously if you just do it you may wake up some of your sex drive.

Hope that helps and try not to worry too much but i know how you feel.

LoveGigi Wed 23-Jul-08 15:27:25

Boozybird, I sort of feel the same as you. I too have a 2yo DD and I never feel like having sex. If someone said to me that I wasn't ever allowed to have sex again I'd be okay with that. I too still find my DP attractive, he is a lovely man. I make an effort on a fortnightly basis, but that is because I feel like it is the bare minimum I'd be allowed to get away with. We are looking to try for No2 in the near future and I obviously know that there will be sex involved. I don't feel the total dread that you feel, more a case of I can't be bothered and don't feel in the mood, when we do get round to doing it, I do enjoy it. I was thinking recently that Acupuncture may help to unblock some lost energy channels. I've never had Acupuncture before but I've been reading about it and think it can't do any harm. I often feel I am short changing my DP but one day I hope that my drive will come back. Don't beat yourself up, worrying won't make you feel better. You are a busy Mum and sometimes we lose ourselves, I have only just begun to find the old me again and have started to take care of myself by exercising and buying some new clothes. Maybe you need to rediscover the old you before you had your DC, start to give to yourself and then maybe you can start to give again to your DP. Just a thought.

shhhh Wed 23-Jul-08 15:34:38

sending {{{{hugs}}}} your way..

I have 2 lo's (15 months & 3 years) and dh & I often have this conversation which usually results in dh making me think im adnormal...See we have sex about once a week...VERY occasonally x2 a week...Im fine with this and tbh don't have it more often as im a sahm and knackered come 7pm.! I would rather sit and watch tv than get frisky iykiwm YET when I do actually get down to it I do enjoy it.smile.

I had this conversation with our girl friends and it seems 1-2 a week is average when lo's are around.

I don't dread sex but just wish I could feel sexier and more "wanted" by dh and not just seen as someone to have sex with iykwim. I know if dh read this he would be horrified but I think most men are the same, like lou said before most men think sex involves "sex" and not the whole kissing, hugging build up.

Not sure what to suggest as at times I feel the same. btw im also on ad's so I don't think they help...

Oblomov Wed 23-Jul-08 15:45:34

Once a week. ???!!!
That is quite lot.
The tears thing is worrying.

HappyWoman Wed 23-Jul-08 15:52:32

No i dont think once or twice a week is abnormal.

However - when there is the 'other woman' willing to have sex whenever and wherever the wife is often seen as being abnormal. This is to the ow advantage too and she will play to it.

Just a warning!

twofalls Wed 23-Jul-08 15:59:40

Like Shhh and lovegigi, I rarely feel like it but I do enjoy it when I get into it - for me its a bit like going for a run - I know I need to do it and that I will feel better for it, but I can't really be arsed grin

Seriously though, being in tears about it is a bit worrying so you really do need to talk to DB about how you feel. I didn't talk to DH for ages about it and he just got more and more hurt by my attitude and we started drifting. Now we can talk about it openly things are getting much better. That is not to say he completely understands why I feel the way I do, but at least he understands that I do feel the way I do. We are up to about once a week now but it was down to about once a month or longer a little while ago.

Have you thought about things that could kick start your sex drive again? You need to find the thing that makes you feel like having sex, if you can. Something that didn't really work for me but did for a friend was to read erotic fiction at bedtime - there are books written by and for women. It got her in the mood and transformed her sex life so something like that could work for you. Obviously spending more time being intimate with each other without the pressure of sex also helps.

Sorry for the essay - just wanted you to realise you are not alone and certainly not abnormal.

Oblomov Wed 23-Jul-08 16:38:17

Me too. When I actually get down to it I remember how totally fantastic it is and feel cross at myself for being too lazy to not do it more.

MindingMum Wed 23-Jul-08 16:58:17

Ditto here as well - can't be arsed with it, do it to avoid a row and then end up really enjoying it wink

The tears to me sound like some underlying resentment that you have with regards to giving him sex.

My DH and I went through a really bad patch and I cried every time he even suggested sex because it was the only time he ever spoke kindly to me, I would allow him to have sex with me then cry buckets sad

Really feel for you but problem won't sort itself out without help

littlewoman Wed 23-Jul-08 19:11:51

Even though you find him attractive, do you actually like him as a person BB?

Does he treat you well, and the DC's, or do you feel like you're walking on eggshells around him and full of resentment?

My absolute sympathy... I've had this and I felt like a freak, but it was because I was desperately unhappy and had no control in my relationship. Best to understand why it's happening if you hope to work at improving it.

It might do you good to see your GP?

Kally Wed 23-Jul-08 19:29:01

It must be something to do with resentment. I was like this with my EH. I hated sex with him, but he had made me so miserable so often, I could never relax and get all those feelings out of my head. I thought I would never want sex again in my life. (I used to remember how glad I was when I got my periods as I didn't have to bother and he left me alone and I could relax and sleep, pure sleep with no-one bugging me). His sex drive was a lot higher than mine, the more he wanted it, the more I didn't, then when we did it was like a starved man. And I would hate it even more. Of course he's my EX now.
Presently am with a man I adore. I love sex with him. All the things I suppose I should have felt with my EH, I am suddenly aware of what a wonderful thing it is, to be sexually intune and in harmony. It is wonderful, but I suffered for years and years and years....ugh.

Find out your underlying reason and deal with it. Sex is something that can relax you and make you feel great, even if you do have small children and are tired, couples who have that bond will probably agree with me that a good relaxing session of lovemaking/sex, heals and overcomes all, even stress and tiredness from child rearing, but 'desire for each other' has to be there, that 'click' or 'no matter how tired I am I can't resist you'...

Not easy but sort it out or you'll end up like I was... and I don't wish that on anyone.

lou031205 Wed 23-Jul-08 19:52:27

It isn't necessarily resentment. I found that when my sex drive was low after having DD2, I felt the pressure of feeling that I should want sex, and the less we had sex, the more DH noticed, and naturally wanted it, and that turns into a viscious circle that can only be broken by honesty and understanding.

Oblomov Wed 23-Jul-08 19:57:12

No resentment on my part. I love dh, fancy him, he treats me very well. Just lack of drive and laziness, I think. Like I say, when I make the effort, as we are making love, I keep thinking, god this is so good, why don't you make the effort more.

boozybird Thu 24-Jul-08 11:42:19

thanks so much for all the support - it really makes a difference to hear that you're not the only one. a lot of what's been said makes sense - DB is very controlling and we're having real relationship issues, we're in therapy and it's helping, but we're in a particularly tricky bit... i need to feel happy and in love to want to have sex, and i need to be wooed a bit i think. his idea of wooing is to say Come on let's have a shag, or just grab my tits or something, or make a 'joke' about how we never do it... then i feel pressure and resentful that he doesn't 'get it'. he is a brilliant dad and a kind and generous person, but as a partner he's very selfish and very controlling... our counsellor has told him he has to change his behavior to save the relationship, and if i'm asking him to change his habits around sex - i think he's going to feel really picked on and might just run away... he has said that's how he feels already.

it's not like when i do get round to it i enjoy it - i don't enjoy it while we're at it, i do not feel the tiniest iota of sexual pleasure. i really liked that idea of acupuncture, i think that might help, but you're all right about talking to DB about it too. i think there is a lot of resentment there.

sort of was hoping someone would just say, Oh yeah, i had that, take some extra vitamin C and you'll be at it like rabbits. life's never that easy...

maidamess Thu 24-Jul-08 11:48:23

lou, why not make an agreement with your dh not to have full sex for a month, and just to do 'other stuff'. (I'll let you decide what!).

Having that pressure taken off you, and finding other ways to have fun in the bedroom (because it can and should be fun ) may spice up your libido a bit.

It will also show your dh that you are still willing which is important I think.

You never know you might ignite a long dead fire!

sarah293 Thu 24-Jul-08 11:49:33

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boozybird Thu 24-Jul-08 12:00:33

riven, that's exactly what i'm worried about. because it's not just about sex with my db - i just don't think about it, ever, i never masturbate (i can say that can't i? we're all grown ups?), i never see other men that i fancy and have little fantasies. i used to do all those things. i have just lost my mojo.

boozybird Thu 24-Jul-08 12:03:05

this might sound a bit far fetched, but i have even wondered if there was some issue around sex when i was young that i don't remember - i have never had a particularly healthy relationship with sex. i had a kind of rocky upbringing and started having sex really young, for all the wrong reasons, obviously.

sarah293 Thu 24-Jul-08 12:30:01

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littlewoman Thu 24-Jul-08 13:02:46

This is sad. It's something I often end up feeling in a relationship. Like Jo Brand said,

"once you've shagged someone 600 times, you can't really be arsed, can you?"

Felt like it with XH1. (Actually cried when I felt I 'had' to do it, because we hadn't for about 2 weeks. I knew that was the end of that relationship.)

Felt like it with XH2. I blamed everything. The ironing basket in the bedroom made me feel unsexy, the walls were the wrong colour for romance (hmm) Actually, my problem was that I had 6 children in 10 years, undiagnosed PND, a work-shy, philandering husband, no money, no sleep, no time, and no control in my life.

But I can only see this in retrspect. At the time, I just thought "what's wrong with me? I'm frigid".

I would very strongly suggest a counsellor to anyone who suffers from this. You're probably in too deep to understand it on your own. (Sorry hope that's not too bossy).

BalloonSlayer Thu 24-Jul-08 13:25:03

Trouble is, doing 'other stuff' tends to get translated as "giving him a blow job".

Which, personally, takes twice the amount of energy and enthusiasm as a shag.

I am not suffering from the OP's problem at the moment but have done in the past and found the pressure horrendous.

One technique that is supposed to help is to say that you will have sex one night a week, say on Friday. Thus you relax on the other six nights as you know you won't have to do it, and he stops hassling you because he knows he will at least get some on Friday. Apparently it takes the pressure off nicely.

And Boozybird, I was told that taking a Zinc supplement can increase the libido. I tried it and it did seem to help, or maybe it was the placebo effect in which case I don't mind grin.

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