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Need to stop feeling broody, children aren't the plan yet!(38 Posts)
I hope it's ok for me to post here and that this is the right place to post. I feel a bit of a fraud cos I'm not actually a mum, I come on mumsnet to lurk occasionally when I feel broody to read about mum stuff and have done for a little while - I hope you don't think that's too weird. I thought MNerse might be the right people to 'talk' to about this.
I am 25 and have been with my OH for 6 years, he is 26. We are deeply committed to each other, very much in love and what my mother calls 'not the marrying kind' (ie just not that fussed on marriage, if he asked I'd say yes but not want a big fussy day. I don't dream of white dresses). We've been through uni together and now I am at the start of a professional career, and he is at the beginning of a creative/vocational career although hasn't had as much success as me yet, which is an issue but we've discussed and dealt with it.
He's not ready for children yet, and whilst emotionally I feel I am, I have things I want to do with my career first, and things I feel we need to do for him to feel ready (the usual be more financially secure, travel more etc, also his career needs to go somewhere). We've talked about the future though and there's a loose '5-year plan' as I call it and I hope we'll be thinking about becoming parents around the time we're 30.
Now two things terrify me; one that he'll turn round and decide after all he doesn't want children and I'll have 'wasted' all my fertile years on him and be heartbroken - no way to calm those fears apart from tell myself to get a grip!! The other is that when we finally do decide to try that it'll be too late and we won't be able to. We had a vague discussion once over what we'd do if that happened - I'm of the opinion that I'm not sure I'd want to meddle with IVF etc and would prefer to go straight to adoption, wheras he thought he could never feel the same about 'another man's child' (egg donation is ok though! cheek!). Obviously we'd never know unless it happened.
The upshot of these worries is that lately I've been feeling much more broody than normal, spending time reading parent-y stuff on here, find myself fantasising about what I'd call my children, things I'd do with them, places I'd take them, vaguely looking at toys in shops, the other day I was walking home past a park and watching the mums with little children felt incredibly jealous. I've always loved cooking and baking, recently have been refining some recipes and in my head it's so I'll be good at them when I have children.
I know this is all emotional/hormonal stuff; I'm happy with our lives at the moment and I think the 5-year plan is a good one. I don't know what we'd do if we fell pg now! Well I know I'd go ahead but 'we' may not survive. But has anyone got any tips on how I can get past the broodiness so I can get on with my life now and not ruin everything by beeing broody??? Any inspirational tales of motherhood in your thirties after waiting like us??? Or just tell me all the bad bits of being a parent and put me off!!! Please!?
well for a start you can pretty much bank on being fertile til you're 35 so you have 10 years
I don't think mothers in their 30s are inspirational just NORMAL!!!!!
If I were you I would carry on pursuing your career goals, let him sort his out himself - there is no merit or benefit whatsoever in waiting around for an other half to get their act together in terms of their career - that is a solo project if ever there was one and if you paint yourself as being in anyway instrumental or factorial in this then you are both asking for resentment and bitterness if his career DOESN"T turn out the we he (you plural) planned. So give him enough rope and be supportive but be clear that it's his project and not one for the partnership.
Look after yourself in terms of health, don't get your knickers in a twist about IVF unless you know one or both of you has serious fertility issues then y ou may as well spend your energy worrying about having a leg cut off and getting to grips with a wheelchair - you don't know it's going to be an issue in your lives so leave it alone. Enjoy your next 5 years (did you know Stalin was very fond of 5 year plans ) and when 31 rolls around listen to your body and if it is screaming IMPREGNATE ME NOW see what box he is ticking and act accordingly.
Chill out, cheer up and keep lurking
Just to clarify, this is the sentence that is ringing alarm bells for me regarding your relationship.
"and things I feel we need to do for him to feel ready (the usual be more financially secure, travel more etc, also his career needs to go somewhere). "
I have known of women more successful than their creative vocational (would be rock star/author/artist) partners who have left the kids issue til 36 and then the jealousy over being less successful in a career than one's wife which had clearly been bubbling for years came to a head and the wife has been ditched for a younger more flattering model. So I can understand your concerns, but you are a BABY of 25 and you have 10 good years.
Oh and if you are not sure then make sure you are in control of your own fertility and you, not him, are using reliable contraception.
Don't worry about getting pregnant at 30. I delayed it because I didn't feel ready. I wasn't particularly career driven, but I did want to feel as though I had achieved something at work. Mostly it was an awareness of my own selfishness and not feeling ready to give up my freedom. Luckily DH accepted this, and at 33 I finally felt ready and DS arrived. 3 years later DD came too! I am glad I waited as children really do change every aspect of your life - very little 'me' time, no privacy, life revolves around them (and as they get older you also become a social secretary and taxi driver). So don't rush into it. Enjoy your freedom, do what you want to , value your time with DP without children. In 5 years time he will probably feel more settled and ready to have kids.
Yes, have a whale of a time before you have any kids! I love mine madly but I'm SO glad I waited till I was 37 before shackling enhancing my life with them.
Oh and I had absolutely no problems getting pregnant at 36. In fact I wasn't madly intending to .
Yes, MI can be your inspriation, she's an utter FOX and although quite advanced in age she bred two delightful little girls
"life is what happens when you're busy making other plans". Plans are great and should be adaptable. Have you said to oh how you're feeling broody? Or will he panic and think that you will accidentally "fall" pg?
there never is an optimum time to choose to have a baby, that's what's wonderful, nature takes over and reminds us that we're animals really. grrr!
fwiw, you do have loads of time....
It is a lot easier to pause your career and have kids - which does tend to mean working at less than full capacity for a bit - than to say 'oh, I can always do that later' and plunge into parenthood, which has a way of somewhat absorbing you.
What struck me is when you said if you were to fall pregnant now your relationship might not survive. That is a big thing to say and I think something that needs to be addressed.
You need to make sure you DON@T get pg but also are you sure your DP wants children at some point?
I also wouldn't be so rigid in your plannng. Few people get the family they had planned at the time they planned it and if we waited until we could afford children, half of us would never have them!
I think you need to relax about things tbh.
I know I need to relax, just need to get the worries out in the open probably! Tbh writing that makes me feel more relaxed already.
The me being more successful thing is going to be a permanent 'issue' - the nature of my career is that I'll never struggle to find work if I want it, wheras his is all networking and freelance/project work. He is amazing at it though and I try to give him all the support I can whilst not getting involved in it myself.
No worries re contraception got my anti-baby implant firmly in place!!!
The plan isn't that rigid - I just feel like I need to have an idea in my head that we will have children in the future. And I have specific goals I want to acheive before that. I am a very 'plan' person though. Lists all over the place. He has said that yes he does want children but they're in the future, not yet, and because of career reasons I feel the same way. If he said he didn't want children I'd have to leave. I couldn't know I wouldn't have children.
I think my main fear if I miraculously conceived now would be him thinking I'd done it deliberately. Which I would never, ever do. Thinking about it seriously I'm 95% sure he'd step up and be a wonderful dad. He'd be sh*ing himself though.
I just need to shake the I-wanna-be-a-mummy feeling before he notices too much and then it becomes an Issue! I feel like if I bring it up with him then he'll take it that I'm saying 'I want children now, your career isn't good enough' etc etc when that isn't at all what I think. Tis just an emotional phase I'm going through. And it's normal right?
Agh need to relax. It's great to hear about you Seeline and motherinferior having no trouble. My only personal frame of reference is our parent's generation who all had us in their early 20s, and my friends in their 20s who are having children now. Those that aren't yet are either single, gay or 'earlier' in their relationships than me (and they all assume me & OH about to get married/start spawning any day now), I know it's not a competition, but it does make me feel pressure. Especially friends who met partners after I did, and are now married with children. Silly I know. It's not a race and it doesn't matter what others do.
Gah need to chill don't I.
I can totally understand where you are coming from FeelinBroody. Over the last year the feelings for me have just been getting stronger and stronger. Everytime I see children I think about the future and then it makes me sad. My BF isn't ready. We're both 25 and been together for 5 years.
I've got friends and family members who keep having babies and it's just hard to keep watching it happening. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for them but I can't wait until it's "my turn". I never thought I could feel this way but I am and I don't know how to subdue it.
We are in the position to have the children but it comes back to my BF and the "not ready" reason.
How do I stop these feelings? I guess they are "normal" but they are doing my head in. Its like my body has been taken over my aliens!!!!
FeelingBroody - Maybe its just the age we're at.... All I can say it confused.com!! lol.
I think most men find it very difficult to get enthusiastic about babies in the abstract. But once a baby is on its way, or there, they do become keen.
Not that I am recommending an 'accident' (though I had one, and it's turned out brilliantly), very irresponsible, etc. I am just saying that maybe men are never going to mirror our broody feelings, which can be quite frustrating, but may just be the way their biology is hard-wired.
I think there was a thing in the Saturday Guardian a couple of months ago with men confessing that when their babies were first born they were ambivalent/pissed off at the disruption to their lives, but 4months later they'd jump in front of a bus for them and were totally besotted.
hi feelinbroody - just wanted to say I was feeling exactly the same as you a couple of years ago - I'm 27 now, and have been with my lovely partner for 5 years. We are also not that fussed by marriage, although will be marrying sometime in the next couple of years. slight difference in that my DP is 5 years my senior, and ALL his friends are popping out sprogs just now, and have been for a few years. However, he always set 'deadlines' - like 'when you've finished your PhD' and then 'when you finish your first postdoc'. We discussed having children a lot, and after one near miss , decided between us that if we had an 'accident', then we would both want to keep the baby.
that was 2 years ago, and no more was said about it. until this new year, when he said 'let's try' - even though we were living in different countries, and both of us had unstable jobs. Thought we would have difficulty conceiveing, as so many other people we know had, but obviously not - baby is due on 20th september! DP could not be more excited if he tried, and I'm just getting more and more broody every day, and cannot wait to meet my baby! (I should just say, we are living together again now, engaged, and both gainfully employed - it's been an interesting year...)
anyway - what I am trying to say is - have you discussed with your DP what would happen if you had a 'happy accident'? I, too, hated the feelings of competition with friends and family - and the pressure from my parents, which was absurd - but we (DP and I) feel that this has all worked out perfectly for us. Friends of mine who married a few years ago have no plans for babies yet, so they are watching us with interest - just as we did them when they married!
Oh, and the broody feelings just intensified for me - every 6 months or so, I'd have a few weeks of crying every time I saw a pregnant woman or a baby. DP has a close female friend who said she was the same - except for me the broodiness started when I was about 24, I'm now 27 - for her it started when she was 24, and she had her first child at 31!
good luck whatever happens!
So glad its not just me that feels this way. I feel like crying most days thats if i havent cried already. When people used to say you know when your ready i used to think whatever what a load of rubbish until the past 18months it just hit me. The last 6 months have been the hardest and its just getiing worse. :-(
Hi babyplease, I'm the same age as you and get occasional broodiness but also want to have a lot more responsibility-free fun first. (And btw I hang out on here despite no DC, and although everyone probably thinks I'm a weirdo they've been too polite to say so so far ).
There are a couple of things in your posts that worry me. One is that your DP would think you had "done it on purpose" if you got pregnant. I'm not sure that such a complete absence of trust is an ideal situation to start a family in in the first place. Plus you also seem to be tip-toeing around the issue because he will think it's reflecting on his career - this seems odd. Is it you that's saying "no babies until you've done so & so"? Sounds to me that you would in all honesty want to TTC now if he said he wanted to - is that right?
Hello crazy baby ladies!
I was exact same too only my broody obsession started at 22-yeeesh! 5 years on now and ttc again after 'near miss'. Have been with my dp 7 years now so know exactly what you mean, he used to go pale if I even held a baby but 2 years ago he started going misty eyes at toddlers and babies and ere we are!
I really agree with everyone else that you need to have the 'happy accident' discussion.
My dp is also in a vocational lie of work - nights away and random hours so I do sympathise.
They only thing I would look out for is that I think sometimes some men just say yeah yeah yeah 3 years... After we get the new kitchen..go to Portugal etc etc and in effect fob their ladies off!
There was a lady in the conception forum who was driven to distraction by her dh doing this so maybe you should just say 'you do know I definitly want kids in five years don't you? Not going to change my mind about that.' and see what he says?
It's normal to feel broody and once you have had your first child, you will in all likelihood feel broody again! Just look at the Larger Families section here.
I think your twenties is a time for getting your career sorted, getting some sort of home together, having fun and getting to know the man you're with/getting to know other men.
It's normal for him not to want children now. He has creative ambitions and that's where his energies should be right now.
HOWEVER... you would be mad if you didn't spend the next few years thinking about whether he's suitable as a husband and as a partner. Read these threads to see what's not suitable!
I've drifted to this page randomly as i googled 'i'm broody but i don't want kids'...ha ha...i've always advocated that i don't want children, although if i and my partner fell pregnant by accident we would definitely keep it...i'm 27, he's 29 and i'm going to have finished career training and be a fully qualified vet nurse this time next year, after parachute jumping and hopefully doing some big cat conservation work...he's doing really well in his career...although both of us struggle a lot with money and budgeting...however, over the last couple of months, people i know have been having babies and i'm starting to feel the beginning of baby longing...i know we wouldn't do it just yet...& we've both said in the past that we don't want kids...but it's coming to me...very unexpectedly...also i suffer with mild depression and endometriosis - which i've had 2 ops to correct and i'm currently living with the Mirena coil...what worries me is that if i do decide i want a child...will i be able to host it...that's one of the things in life i most want to experience...carrying a baby inside me...i also have a tilted uterus...does all of this simply spell no babies for me??? thanks x
i must add that we still rent but that i have raised 2 kittens and a puppy to fairly well-behaved adult status...i can care and love...although this has only been proven with other humans and animals...but babies...not so much...also, OH is able to apply for much better paid jobs soon too...by the time i've qualified & gained letters after my name (childhood thing), done some big cat work and a parachute jump...i've covered most of my life ambitions so far...i'd only like to travel more...but we can rarely afford it anyway...& wouldn't a child mean sharing those adventures with them and also getting to see places like Disney and stuff...
Hey, Wow real intresting reading what everyone has been writin.... I'am 22 married now for a whole 3 months lol. been together with my wonderful hubby 3 years,... we both met wen we were in the army!!!
I feel preggy may this year, and me and my hubby well decided not to keep it. due to house needing total refurb big time.. and thought it wasnt fair to bring a child up in the house we have.... But we both deep down were upset with the decision.
Well gd few months now am so broody its jus eatin me up. and long behold so is my hubby... house still aint done,,, and well hubby has an expensive hobby motorbike racing... and well thats wots stoppin us from having a wee bundle o joy...
Problem is him being broody aint helpin me one bit, He thinking off names the lot yet one thing stoppin the dream from coming true motorbike racing lol. a love bikes myself I ride them 2 am all for him being happy. but him being broody making things even harder for me. a see a wee baby and am a sorry mess. its got to the point a dnt want to see children because i am overcome by jelousy and I get upset thinking if only that was me and the hubby with a wee baby...
I have a gd job we are a very close couple, we worked at differnent barracks so didnt see much off one another, then we got house and live together and we just like soul mates yes we are young but a lot off people allways think we a lot older than what we really are...
I jus want my urge for havin a wee bundle o joy to go am in a bit off downward spiral at the mo...
Apaz this is a Zombie Thread. I'm really sorry if this is a bad thing to do - I'm pretty new here!
I came across this thread when googling "how to get rid of feeling broody". I should of known Mumsnet would have the answer!
I just want to know if anyone can tell me how the above situations have worked out for them? Broodiness has hit me hard even though I never thought I was the type. It's shocked me and my partner because we thought we were going to wait another couple of years.
Our position is pretty good but he still wants to wait. The baby need is killing me. How have you dealt with this?
Hello ladies, I'm very sorry for reviving this spread but I am desperate!
I came across this thread after googling 'how to stop feeling broody'
I am 24, and I work as a Children's book illustrator from home, I have worked SO hard on my career over the past two years and I am now settled into regular work with my dream job. I have been with my wonderful man for 6 years, we went through uni together and met at 6th form college. He works in a good job that he started at last September and we moved into our first house together the same month (rented). We have a wonderful life- but for the last year my broodiness has been RUINING it! I just want it to go away!
We are getting married this July and we have lots to look forward to, he can't wait to be a daddy and he talks to me about children- related stuff regularly. Children are not on the cards for us at the moment though, we want to get a mortgage and our own place before having our first child. This makes sense as we want to be more settled but I hate my brain being so unfair. I recently saw yet ANOTHER one of my friend's scan pictures and pregnancy announcements while checking a message on facebook and I just burst into TEARS! I felt angry and horribly jealous, if my OH said lets have a baby I would jump to it- even though my wedding is 7 months away- thats how crazy it makes me!!
We have spoken about this and he assures me he can't wait for children but he wants more savings behind us and our own place. I start getting irrational thoughts like 'what happens if we never get our own place or enough money' 'what happens if I do get to the agreed age (which is 28/29) and I can't fall pregnant'! the anguish is indescribable!
I have read through some of the other posts and have found comfort in knowing that I am not the only one feeling this way. I even console myself by imagining my friend's lives in the future badly because they have had children so soon (no money, no freedom ect...) How horrible is that!?
I just wish this would go AWAY, its spoiling my life and I feel angry at my partner sometimes for no reason and without warning because he won't 'let' me get pregnant.
Thanks for listening to my rant- I am desperate and I feel like I just need someone to talk too about it
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