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I really really need some sensible, non-emotive advice about this. Please, please help me...

(65 Posts)
TheHedgeWitch Wed 23-Jul-08 02:12:24

Message withdrawn

claudiaschiffer Wed 23-Jul-08 02:22:56

Has your dh ever done anything like this before HedgeWitch? It is obviously a very serious incident but it does sound like he snapped under stressful circumstances. Do you feel that your or your ds are at risk from him? If so then I would go to your parents and try to sort it out from there. I wouldn't necessarily throw away 7 years of togetherness over this.

I think you both need some sleep and to talk things over when you are calm and rested.

But he MUST understand that whatever the circs you MUST NEVER take your anger out on a child.

TheHedgeWitch Wed 23-Jul-08 02:30:05

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UnderRated Wed 23-Jul-08 02:32:37

Oh goodness, theHedgeWitch sad

We all lose our temper sometimes, especially when we are tired/ feeling unwell/ stressed or whatever. I don't know what to tell you. He was wrong. No-one should hurt a child, let alone throw them. I suppose it comes down to what you feel comfortable with. Do you think this will happen again? Because children become more trying than a 22 month old who wants a biscuit.

claudiaschiffer Wed 23-Jul-08 02:35:16

It does sound as if he needs some help managing his anger. Would he go to see someone and discuss anger management?

We do all get stressed and furious at times, and lo's can push our buttons but as adults and parents we need to be able to take a step back before things get out of hand.

Poor you, it's an awfully difficult situation sad.

thumbwitch Wed 23-Jul-08 02:36:25

From a non-emotive point of view, I can tell you that a friend of mine with 3 children has done the same thing with one of hers. Perhaps not from a distance of 4-5 feet (you might just be overestimating that) but definitely from a standing position a couple of feet away from the sofa and throwing the child onto it because she was SO frustrated with the little beggar.

I can understand your shock and upsetness but from what you have said, I don't think that your DH was intending to actually hurt your DS, he was just reacting in pain to what had happened. I would also think that your DH is probably feeling quite guilty about the episode and probably shocked that he reacted that way, and is being defensive to minimise the seriousness of the situation so he doesn't need to feel so bad.

I don't think this is grounds to leave him, tbh, but he might need help with anger management, as Claudia says, you must never take it out on a small defenceless child.

QueenyEisGotTheBall Wed 23-Jul-08 02:42:17

hi, to be honest from how you are describing it you didnt overreact. your son was thrown onto the couch from 4/5 feet away!! your DH overreacted to a very small child doing what small children do!! did you remind him that your DS is 22 months and not aware that his actions cause damage?? that your DH is the adult in the situation and regardless of whether he was hit by the door he must NEVER react with such force to such a small child. he seems like he needs to gain some perspective!! HE wasnt thrown across the room, his 22month old child was by HIM!! i wouldnt necessarily throw away your relationship with him as it does seem like a momentary loss of control. i would however have a good talk about it as what he might percieve as acceptable isnt your perception of it otherwise you wouldnt have a problem with it iyswimsmile i would also add to him that if this is how he reacts to being hit by a door by a child in a tantrum, how will he react to the 'being physically attacked by his toddler' stage?? by that i mean the punching, kicking, biting, scratching, etc or the answering back that is so furiously exasperating?? he needs to realise he cant react like this to every incident as there will be MANY MANY more to come!!hmmsmile
i hope my rambling has helped a little bit and that you manage to sort your situation outsmile
xx ei xx

UnderRated Wed 23-Jul-08 02:42:25

Are you ok, btw?

ALMummy Wed 23-Jul-08 08:53:35

He did what you saw him do HW but is trying to play it down because he knows how bad it is. Don't let him do that. I was hit as a child and what rankles till this day is how it was constantly played down when I knew full well what had really happened.

Personally I believe we all snap sometimes, not right but its a fact and we have to face fully up to it or risk it happening again. My friend never in all of her dd's life even shouted at her but one time her dd was screaming in her face and refusing to look at her or listen to her when she was trying to reason with her and this had gone on ALL day and I saw that my friend was holding onto her face too tightly in frustration. I told her to get her hands off her DD and when she tried to say she had just been holding her I told her exactly what I saw and wouldn't let her play it down. "You did it, its wrong, deal with how shit you must feel now you did it, apologise to your child and then find a way to prevent it ever happening again"

Suggest he seeks some sort of counselling if this is not the first incident, because I don't think throwing toys squashy or otherwise is acceptable either.

TheHedgeWitch Wed 23-Jul-08 08:57:46

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lilyloo Wed 23-Jul-08 09:00:37

I agree with other posters i would speak to him about how much he scared you and ds.
But also can see he reacted without thinking after a stressful set of events previously. Not that that is an excuse.
Sleep deprivation is pretty horrendous for all concerned.

lisalisa Wed 23-Jul-08 09:09:01

Hedgewitch - I feel for you - i really do. I also live with a man who used to have anger managment issues. For e.g. when he was younger ( before i met him ) he would be invovled in fights. Since we have got married there have been one or two minor incidents between us - but never with the kids. I think what needs to get across to your dh is the issue of the vulnerability of the child as opposed to the adult. That kids bodies are different and can hurt much easier and that he really musn't , ever, take a chance iwht that.

We are all made differently . of course your dh is trying to play it down as he probaly very much regrets it.

I think, as always, the devil is in the detail. If it was a throw ( as opposed to a push) from 4-5ft away that is very differnt to a push say an arms length distance from floor to couch. that anyone ( and not necessiarlly a sleep deprived person) could do . I have done that ( the latter) to my dd2 during one of her spectacular tantrums. But - to pick a child up and throw them a large ( for a 22 month old) distance is a bit different.

In your place I would insist dh confronts what he has done and admit it was wrong. That is a huge step forward in setting a precedent for future behaviour as you then have a point of reference for what you both, together consider unacceptable. then I would monitor from there. Obviously if another incident happens or it continues you will have to reassess . I also feel the continuing nature of it ( or lack of it) as time will tell is important as we are all allowed one ( provided no-one gets hurt) mistake in life I would think.

mrsruffallo Wed 23-Jul-08 09:14:58

HW- I know you don't want anything emotive but I hvave read some threads in the past about your DH.
He sounds like a bully, he has witheld affection from you, and has these self indulgent temper tantrums often.
Please tell me if I am out of order but I don't care how ill or tired you are, you don't take react to not even two yr old like that you certainly don't throw him and then blame him for winding you up.
He needs some serious therapy.
Are you preg, atm too?
So upset for you

mrsruffallo Wed 23-Jul-08 09:15:43

Sorry, that reads wrong!didn't mean upset you are preg, I meant upset for this incident

mellyonion Wed 23-Jul-08 09:15:46

hi hw. what your dh did was very very wrong. you know this, as he does do.....

in my opinion, is is not grounds to part an otherwise happy family (it sounds like you are generally happy)

your dh has a problem managing his anger, and that must be looked at...you can support eachother through the hard times, and you must listen when either one of you says they are feeling like they need to get a little break to avoid this happening again....

ask your dh to be honest about what he did...he may have frightened himself enough for it never to happen again, or he may still be so ashamed by his behaviour that he is still denying it.....

you and your dh are in a partnership, and as many other pp have said, kids have the ability to stretch you to your limits and beyond....you need to work on ways that are acceptable to you both of how to deal with certain behaviours....maybe then, your dh will feel more able to cope in a demanding situation, and feel more in control.....

i hope you can work it out.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theressomethingaboutmarie Wed 23-Jul-08 09:16:12

It's completely unacceptable and your DH is trying to play it down because he doesn't want to accept that he has lost control. Throwing toys at your child is unacceptable too - it doesn't matter whether they are soft toys or not, it's thoroughly disrespectful to your son.

You need to get him to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable and to commit to never disrespecting or hurting your son again. How would he react if he saw someone else treating his son that way? Not well I suspect!

I don't think it's a cause to leave him but unless he accepts his behaviour and commits to controlling his anger, you cannot let this lie.

midnightexpress Wed 23-Jul-08 09:27:19

I agree with what the others have said - IMO not grounds for leaving - little children can really push your buttons when you're over-tired, but it's not acceptable to treat a child like this and he needs to recognise that. I'd talk to him about it, and encourage him to seek help if necessary.

In the meantime, can you suggest that he leave the room if he ever feels like he's going to snap again? Sometimes we just need to take a few minutes to take a deep breath/scream/bang head against wall.

tigermoth Wed 23-Jul-08 09:27:58

I agree with the others here. It was obviously wrong and your dh needs to control his anger better, but as a one-off incident, not grounds for leaving him.

Do you think your dh was fully aware of what damage he could have done to your ds? I know it would make disturbing reading, but can you find anything (book, internet) to show how a 22 month old can be affected by rough handling like this? Might stop your dh being in denial that he could have hurt your ds, if you think he is in denial.

HappyWoman Wed 23-Jul-08 09:31:33

I can totally relate to not having enough sleep - i have 4 children and i am ashamed to say that i have probably over stepped the boundary with all of them at some time.

As long as he accepts that what he did was not acceptable then you can leave it at that - i am sure he feels incredibly guilty too, which is why he is playing it down.

You cannot change what happened but now put something in place so that it will not happen again. Is there anyway that you could both give each other a break from time to time and maybe not both have your sleep broken?

We have done that from time to time too - but we are lucky enough to have a spare bed where one of us can go and get some kip until the other finds it unbearable.

Hopefully when you have both had some proper sleep you will not feel so emotional about it. It sounds as if your ds is not harmed in anyway.

TheHedgeWitch Wed 23-Jul-08 09:43:03

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mrsruffallo Wed 23-Jul-08 09:47:51

Thing is HW, it is more work with 2 kids so now is the time for him to get this anger under control.

Sawyer64 Wed 23-Jul-08 09:54:30

I agree with Happywoman. As a mum of 3 I have had moments where due to circumstances have "done" things I am not happy with afterwards,such as smacking,dragging a child when they won't walk etc etc.

Not to the extent of abuse IMO,but depending on your standards of parenting could be seen as abuse. I try not to smack my DC's and am successful most of the time.

If you try to imagine it being the other way around,and you "did" something your DP didn't like,surely its something that needs discussing and sorting out.

My mum "threw" my brother back in the cot once,I'm sure that exagerates it,but she'd had 22 months of sleepless nights,to the extent the hospital was going to admit my brother to give my mum a rest.

My dad didn't leave my mum over it,just realised that he should have taken over,and then my mum wouldn't have "put" him back in his cot more roughly than she normally would.

I'm not justifying any of these actions,just that your DP maybe shouldn't have been "placed" in that situation,given that he wasn't well and hadn't slept,and maybe you should "share" some of the responsibility.Which might help you to try and sort this out together.

Be aware that as a parent,there will be many times that you or your DP are going to "regret" the way you handled something,there is no rule book as such,and its a learning process for you and your DC.

As long as you learn from this,ie. you DP has limits of patience etc. esp. when unwell,you can avoid this occuring again,and go on from it,IME.

HuwEdwards Wed 23-Jul-08 10:03:37

I agree with sawyer and janitor.

justaboutagrownup Wed 23-Jul-08 10:08:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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