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Do you have many friends......

(36 Posts)
mum2samandalex Tue 22-Jul-08 21:32:46

after being a sahm for the last few years ive noticed that ive lost touch with alot of people and that i havent really got that many close friends.Feeling a bit depressed and lonely

theexmrsfederer Tue 22-Jul-08 21:36:47

I don't have many friends.

I have one "bestest" friend and lots of people I see occasionally but don't really bother to keep close contact with.

However, if I picked up the phone to arrange something they would be there. Busy lives and all that. Sometimes you just have to take the initiative.

I'm sorry you are feeling low sad

bogie Tue 22-Jul-08 21:37:55

No I have no real friends I am only 20 and all my "friends" are still clubbing and shopping all the time.
I always get very lonley but I try and do things every day to keep me and ds busy and it helps you to stop thinking about how lonley you are.
He goes to nursery 3 mornings a week but all the time he isn't there we go to the libery, swimming, soft play or the park sometimes I get chatting to another mum when im out aswell.

Heated Tue 22-Jul-08 21:49:57

We moved to backofbeyond with dh's promotion and then had children; in the early days it was very lonely. I did go to a M&B group locally but I felt very out of place, world's apart really, but realise I should have tried others. I do have friends through work and now friends through Tumbletots with like-minded mums. Must admit the world's apart issue is raising it's head again when ds starts school, but going to be open minded.

angelene Tue 22-Jul-08 22:00:30

It's so tough, one of the major reasons I don't (currently, never say never etc) want another baby is the lonliness and how cut off from people I felt. Similarly to Heated I moved away from friends and didn't really establish myself before having a baby. You do learn that people generally don't give much of a shit about you; I still feel bitter that friends never came to see me when I was at home drowning in PND.

Have met people through playgroup etc, but once the kids move on to the next stage I don't see them very often.

Sorry not to be more helpful, I suppose it's just to say that you're not alone (((hugs)))

Jivegirl Tue 22-Jul-08 22:09:05

Heated, why do you say you felt out of place?

Kizzipoppet Tue 22-Jul-08 22:10:15

Aw, sorry you feel lonely. Try and stay positive x
Maybe join a new group or activity that you could get chatting with other Mothers with the hope that when you know them a bit more you could arrange a playdate for your children. I think there is somewhere on Mumsnet that you can search for people in your area to meet up with. Someone I know at work met some mumsnet friends local to her.

All the best.

ChasingSquirrels Tue 22-Jul-08 22:14:42

I have 2 really good friends (that I met when my eldest was tiny and who have similar age boys), the main thing we have in common are the children - but we do have a friendship outside of them - and they are both wonderful.
I then have colleagues at work, but don't see them outside of work, and am on "chatting at the park" terms with mums from school - some I would like to know better.
So no - not lots of friends.
Have been quite (plesantly) suprised by the unspoken support I have received since ex-H left, from people who I was previously only on nodding hello terms with.

smartiejake Tue 22-Jul-08 22:15:14

I have very few friends. When the dds were little I spent alot of time with mums I met at my anti natal class.

But as the dds got older we lost touch. I'm still in contact with one who I see occasionally but that's about it.DH works away during the week so I can't really get out much to make new friends.

Think one of my problems stems from when I was at secondary school where girls seemed so bloody disloyal. I was too trusting and was let down so many times that I gave up.

I also get fed up being a shoulder to cry on and not being offered support when I need it.

One friend I am thinking of particularly went through a messy divorce and needed alot of TLC but when her life changed (she remarried her DH) and all was hunky dory again she wasn't that interested any more and has not really offered me support when I have needed it recently.

SodTheBikiniDiet Tue 22-Jul-08 22:33:35

I have one bessie who I could call on for anything but no others what I'd call close friends. Many of our friends moved out of the area and it has been difficult to make new ones with arrival of DD2 and hectic work life etc. It does get me down sometimes too but I don't think I would have tiem for many more people in my life at the mo.

Heated Tue 22-Jul-08 23:05:26

Jivegirl, the head of ds' new primary has already said I'm "unusual" for their normal intake (by which I understood he meant being a career mum) & a well-meaning PTA person has already set up a play-date with the one other mother with a dc who has been identified as "similar" by which they mean she works for the council and wears a sharp suit lol!

Most of the other parents are youngish mums who, when they talk about their 'jobs' they mean housework, although some fit in shop/factory work around school. Dh says I need a strappy top and a tattoo to fit in, ha ha not.

The local M&B group was an awkward experience for me and for them, they were nice but our lives were totally disparate; their interests were local boys, local gossip and tv shows I don't watch. At Tumbletots, by comparison, the mums were a range of ages and mostly women who'd had a career, who I could just talk to.

eandz Tue 22-Jul-08 23:19:20

being pregnant at 24 has been a nightmare. none of my friends ever want to see me anymore because i don't smoke or drink anymore so theres not much to do when we are together. no one really likes to hear about my pregnancy or even my marriage (i used to avoid talking about my husband because being married used to make people want to walk away from me too) and i'm in grad school, away from home, i live in london (but am from texas).

when i go to antenatal classes the other women assume me and dh got married because i got pregnant and think we're teenagers for some reason. (we both look quite old for 24 and 25).

it's soo very lonely.

lovelysongbird Tue 22-Jul-08 23:27:41

himumtosamadalex.

sorry your feeling that way, but you know, everday can be a new start if you want it to be.
if you would like to make some friends why not go out and get some?
we go to water playgroup each week and there is so many mums all looking for friends.

Jivegirl Tue 22-Jul-08 23:46:44

Hi Heated

Sorry my last msg was a bit abrupt - I had a feed to do (newborn)

I have had similar experiences and feelings to you. Never had the slightest desire to go to a M&B group, ever. Not my idea of fun.

With DD2 I am making more of an effort, trying to talk to people and find common ground beyond babies. It's tough going, but then again, I think it's hard generating friendships in general. I know I'm snobby choosy about who I'm friends with which makes it worse. I'm forcing myself to go to our local M&B group and surprised myself by meeting a new ex-fashion designer who was really good fun and very interesting; I clicked with her straight away.

It might be worth shopping around different M&B groups to find the right group of people for you, even if that means travelling a bit. I've found NCT groups tend to have more professional people. LIkewise the playgroups in the leafy suburbs could be better for you.

I think we place too much expectation on ourselves to automatically like everyone simply because they have children. Having children may be something you've got in common, but that doesn't mean you're going to hit it off as friends!

Jivegirl Tue 22-Jul-08 23:50:32

Mum2samandalex - I'm really sorry, just realised I've hijacked your thread talking to Heated (was just skimming the thread earlier and thought Heated had started the thread!)

I think it is a difficult time because you tend to 'lose' those friends who don't have DC as your lifestyles become so different.

I think it's a case of making every effort to make new friends via baby groups, or taking up a new hobby in the evening. I find it really difficult, but that's what I'm trying to do at the moment.

bluedomino Wed 23-Jul-08 00:19:55

I feel very lucky that I have a couple of really good friends, they were there for me during a very traumatic 6 weeks with DD1 and are very patient with my bloody annoying illness.

But, and its a big BUT...I'm finding the whole experience of having kids v lonely. I found nobody mixed at Antenatal classes as they all had partners with them (mine refused pointblank) went to an under 1s group with DD1 but no one spoke to me, or bothered with more than single word answers to my attempts at conversation, it was very local group for local people. I felt I needed a BMW and size 10 jeans to fit in. When I told DP I was thinking of stopping, he suggested I should go if DD enjoyed it, so thats how I viewed it. But its really knocked my confidence and makes me wonder whats wrong with me.

Now I've found a nicer M&T, but still its very clique and although people chat to me they don't invite DD (not naughty) to any of their parties or invite us to join them for after M&T coffee. I find this upsetting and odd as they seem friendly. One girl has started to be more friendly but only after one of my pre child friends (a really cool, popular funky chick) told her I was her best mate. Now I'm a bit peeved that this girl is only bothering with me because of my ubercool mate.

And I have to admit it, I find MN a bit unfriendly and clique.

So even though I have good friends I still feel very lonely, and have started dreading going back to school playgrounds with all the competitive mummies.

summer73 Wed 23-Jul-08 08:21:50

I worry about this a lot to, I have very few what I'd call "real" friends ie people I can speak to when I'm feeling really down or have problems I need to talk through. I've always seemed to have problems making friends, think this stems from never staying in the same school long enough, my family were always moving round a lot. I've always had problems making friends and sometimes keeping them. I think I do all the right things, am supportive, try and stay in touch but friends do still seem to drop off. Its been worse with birth of dd, isolated a lot at home whereas before I'd spend time with work colleagues, meeting for lunch, drink after work etc. I do get lonely at times and depressed. Was in Boots the other week minding my own business and could hear couple of young women with kids slagging me off! I find it a bit difficult to fit in with other mothers where I live, most of them dont seem to work whereas I do and we dont have much in common....

TracksuitLover Wed 23-Jul-08 09:53:02

I used to feel like this and it is horrible and I really sympathise.

Childless friends just aren't interested in talking about your baby (and you probably wouldn't have been before you had yours!) and the more you are out of the work environment or the going out/drinking etc scene, the more out of it you feel with those people.

The closest friends you will make after having a child will probably be other people with children who know what you are going through (people don't realise how hard it is until they have their first child).

I used to go to all the mother and baby groups, even though I hated it because I felt intimidated by other people all seeming to know each other already and not wanting to talk to me. I thought "What is wrong with me that they don't want to talk to me" all the time. But I didn't give up even though I came home and cried sometimes. I kept trying to talk to people, I joined more groups and playgroups etc until I found things to go to where I did feel comfortable and found people who talked to me. I made it a mission to find new friends who were mothers.

I finally found some friends and I am so glad I did because I've found it really hard being a mother and coping with other problems in my life at the same time and just don't know how I would have coped without the support of other women. I think (I know in my case) that it is really important for your mental health. Now if I see anyone at playgroup etc who looks like they feel alone I try to talk to them (although they probably think I'm a nutter and want me to go away). I hate the thought of people feeling alone like this.

JumpingDizzy Wed 23-Jul-08 09:59:32

I do have a lot of friends but choose them wisely. My best friend I met when our dcs were at nursery together. Another close friend I met at NCT. One is an old neighbour and most of the others I met at church (Spiritualist)
I have old school friends I still go out with sometimes but tend to be with people I have more in common with.

I've met a few on the way and didn't click with them but that's life.

I hope you find places to go to meet people as I think most of us are social creatures and need others.

Shannaratiger Wed 23-Jul-08 10:08:11

I don't have many friends either. Have really made an effort though to get some phone numbers from playschool & toddlers so can keep in touch over summer. Will be meeting new friends from the meet-up section on mumsnet.

eandz Wed 23-Jul-08 11:36:49

yeah, i think i might do that too..(the meet up section).

StellaWasADiver Wed 23-Jul-08 11:41:03

I know how sad this will sound, I have none really. Not one. If I wanted to talk to someone - on the phone - I would call a girl I've chatted with online but never met. How sad is that.

My OLD friends - none of them have children - doesn't bother me but it does bother them. They are not interested in me anymore. I've emailed, called, even written - WITHOUT being all 'DS this and DS that' - they don't want to know. None of them are even with partners so I guess they think the gap between me and them is too big - I mean it is not like any of them are even contemplating children or settling down.

If I am looking forward to going back to work, it is for the potential social circle.

Lizzylou Wed 23-Jul-08 11:43:34

Not as many as I used to
My Best friends I hardly ever see, but are still "there" (albeit miles away)
I have a fair few acquaintances (other Mom's met thru DC's) now some of whom will hopefully transcend into actual friends
It does bother me sometimes.

eandz Wed 23-Jul-08 11:55:32

stellawasadiver,
yeah, i have the same problem. it's soo annoying to be shunned because i have a husband and a baby on the way. it's not my fault i fell in love with a guy who wanted more than a one night stand.

LazyLinePainterJane Wed 23-Jul-08 11:55:41

Well Stella, I am the same. I have acquaintances that might go further one day, people who have children who know DS (2.11) but if I want to call someone to chat to, I have to call my Mum. That's it! No-one else.

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