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Soooo a friend of mine has just been round for a coffee and said that I 'make ' DH do too much!!

(47 Posts)
DustyTV Tue 22-Jul-08 13:33:33

She was saying how difficult she is finding it having a todler and being pg again.

I told her if she ever needed any time to herself or help with her LO to just pop him round here and I will have him for a few hours (she lives round the corner).
She then said to me, 'Well yes it is easy for you your DH helps you, sometimes I feel bad for him cos you make him do so much' shock

She has complained in the past that her DH wont help her with their lo.

I am quite shocked, yes DH works his arse of when he is at work, but I work my arse off while I am here at home. When DH gets in after work we share OUR responsibilites 50/50.
I do the tea, he cleans up after tea. He will do night time routine on one night and I the next. I do all night time wakings other than at the weekend when DH does either Friday or Saturday so that we both get a lay in.

I have never had to make him do his fair share, he just does it cos it is up to both of us.

Yes I am a SAHM, but I do all the cleaning apart from when DH does the kitchen after tea. I do the majority of the child care and dog care and anything else that needs doing or sorting. And DH works hard at his job.

Do you think he does too much?? I mean she seems to think I should do it ALL. She thinks when DH gets in from work I should run around after him and DD, even though I've done all the running around all day.

I was sat like this shock for the whole convo. Now I'm wondering if DH does too much.

What do you think.

WideWebWitch Tue 22-Jul-08 13:34:21

no of course he doesn't, she's jealous ignore her

ALMummy Tue 22-Jul-08 13:35:33

He does not do too much no but you are very lucky, a lot of men don't do jack (if only there were a weeping bitterly emoticon). Sounds like he does exactly the right amount.

posieflump Tue 22-Jul-08 13:35:58

no no no
it reflects on her r'ship not yours
she wants you to question yourself when realy she is probably questionaing how much her dh does in comparison
honestly don't worry

EffiePerine Tue 22-Jul-08 13:36:05

this is why she is finding it difficult

if you and your DH are both happy with the situation (and it sounds pretty good to me) is it any business of hers? Nope. Just say 'well I often think your DH is a lazy sod but it seems to work for you'

belgo Tue 22-Jul-08 13:36:20

None of her business. It's between you and your dh, you don't have to explain to anyone else.

artichokes Tue 22-Jul-08 13:38:16

No he does nto do too much. As you say they are both your responsiblities and you are both tired after your budy days working at home and at work.

My DH does more around the house than I do. He also does most night wakings (he copes better with lack of sleep). I don't make him, he just does it and I love him for it.

Your friend is jealous and having a dig at you as a result.

theyoungvisiter Tue 22-Jul-08 13:38:41

sorry but "make" him do too much?!!? grin - do you have a riding crop and/or secret powers of hypnosis? If so, could you please tell me your secret?

Ignore the silly woman - there's no "right" amount of stuff to do - if you and your DH feel your division is fair then who cares what she thinks?

StarSparkle Tue 22-Jul-08 13:41:29

Sounds like you and DH have got it about right !

I agree that she sounds jealous ! My DP does the garden and thats about his limit in regards to household jobs !

It seems to work for you guys and your and your DH housework sharing is none of her biz !

Hee hee I'm starting to feel a little envious...... grin

VictorianSqualor Tue 22-Jul-08 13:42:25

No, he doesn't do too much.
My DP works his ass off too but that doesn't mean he can't spend half an hour sorting baths out whilst I wash up after dinner, he then does DS1's storytime whilst I feed DS2 and do DD'storytime.

That way everything is done and we are sat down by 8pm at the latest, which is then 'our time'.
He doesn't do any night wakings but does take DD&DS1 down in the mornings so I can stay in bed with DS2.

IMO, it's not about how much someone does but how you show then it's appreciated, putting our 'child-free-time' above his chilling out after work time shows me he appreciates me, I show him by helping his life be easier in other ways, like making his breakfast, or ironing his shirt if he's late etc.

DustyTV Tue 22-Jul-08 13:42:57

Thanks, Dh and I are very happy at how we work things. I know I am VERY lucky because some people get no help at all from their partners.

I know she is struggling, I have offered to have her DS here for a few hours, I even pop to her house when I am taking DD for a walk to the park to see if she would like me to take him. You know to give her sometime for a nap or something. She occasionally takes me up on the offer.

When she has complained about her DH not helping, I have tried to be supportive, never giving my opinion but trying to give some solutions IYSWIM.

I'm not angry at her or anything I think this has come about cos she is PG again and she is finding it difficult with a lively toddler as well.

mumblechum Tue 22-Jul-08 13:44:01

I really do think you should take a duster to that telly though

fircone Tue 22-Jul-08 13:47:04

but it has made you think, hasn't it?

There will never be an end to the "I work harder than you" argument between husbands and wives, but as a result of seeing two women who insisted their dhs shared chores find themselves with NO dhs, I think that whilst the dcs are little and I am at home, I should do the lion's share of housework.

One of these women drew up a list of jobs for her dh to do every week, no matter that he was leaving for work at 7am and returned at 8 at night. She refused to iron his shirts, cook at the weekends and had to have every Saturday to herself.

The other woman refused to do anything at all that wasn't work for the dcs. She said she was stay at home MOTHER, not a HOUSEWIFE. She wouldn't cook for her dh, wash or iron his clothes - he even had his own bathroom which he had to clean himself.

Extreme examples, I know, but cautionary tales.

DustyTV Tue 22-Jul-08 13:47:30

lol mumblechum, I know, it's baaaaad. But I reckon if I dont disturb the dust on the TV, you wont notice how much dust there is around the rest of the room grin

I mean it's not like I sit on MN all day no is it wink

PinkTulips Tue 22-Jul-08 13:47:39

dp is a lazy arse by his own admittance and even he does most of what you've listed except night wakings so no your dh doesn't do too much!

her husband is a useless lump who doesn't help and god help her if this is a tough preg she'll soon come to her senses! that's what happened with us, i had a rough preg and screamed blue murder til dp got the point and started to do his fair share.

DustyTV Tue 22-Jul-08 13:50:18

fircone, OMG are they really true? I would never do that to DH. I don't even ask him to do the things he does, he just does them. God I really am lucky aren't I.

I do do the lions share of the housework, DH just does the kitchen after tea. But if we are both tired it sometimes doesn't get done blush and I do it the next morning.

zazen Tue 22-Jul-08 13:53:34

I think you and she have answered her question
"She has complained in the past that her DH wont help her with their lo"


My Dh is a grown man and does his own laundry and will clean up after himself when he cooks.

I do my and DDs laundry and get her food / school stuff ready every day.

we share housework, Dh hoovers and I clean - I'm not good at hoovering (bad back) and he's not as good at cleaning (my standard: clean it until it's really clean) as I am.

We both 'work for money' but Dh works more - it's swings and roundabouts: everything is up for re-negotiation.

you are being very nice to offer to mind your pal's LOs.

expatinscotland Tue 22-Jul-08 13:56:53

No, your DH does not do too much.

Your pal's a doormat.

I worked FT whilst DH looked after the wee ones.

That didn't give me a license to treat my husband as a skivvy or a nanny - they're my kids, too.

So I don't see why the situation should be as such when it's the man who works outside the home.

Gobbledigook Tue 22-Jul-08 13:58:35

No dusty, he does not do too much. WHen both of you are around why would you not share it? That's how it goes in my house and I don't expect anything less.

DustyTV Tue 22-Jul-08 14:01:37

I mean I can remember how tired I was when I was pg, I only have DD (8mo), so I can only imagine how difficult it is being pg and having a toddler at home as well. I was good for nothing for most of my pregnancy and nothing would have gotten done if it wasn't for DH.

She must find it hard with no help from her DH, but TBH, if it were me there is no way I would put up with it. I do fee bad for her. I think I'll give her a ring in a couple of hours to see how she is and if she needs anything.

Uriel Tue 22-Jul-08 14:04:18

Sounds like she'd be happier/more comfortable if you were in the same boat as her with a lazy dh and could both moan together.

onepieceoflollipop Tue 22-Jul-08 14:06:11

You sound like a great team to me. Actually you said you do all the night wakings in the week which is very reasonable of you.

Send your mate round to chat to my dh. He not only works full time (out from 7am until 16.30) but I work part time as well. At least 2 evenings a week (due to my shifts) he goes home via the nursery and then looks after the dds untilbath/bedtime, then makes his own meal and clears up etc.

As I have more hours at home than him I do more housework - probably a 70/30 split; but he does 80% of the outdoor, gardening type jobs.

I have friends who like to refer to their dps as "babysitting" their own children. Some of these women also don't trust their partners to do things properly so end up being total martyrs. (basic things like only they can change a nappy/make a bed/hoover properly). IMO they become martyrs and their dps shrug quite happily and in some cases enjoy not taking responsibility for these things.

Oh I get comments about my poor dh. However ime dads that are hands on in the house and enjoy spending loads of time with their children often have a very close bond with the children.

DustyTV Tue 22-Jul-08 14:08:00

I honestly didn't think DH did too much, the thought had never crossed my mind until she brought it up. I've just spoken to DH and told him what she said and he said she is crazy. He said he feels a bit lazy sometimes. He openly admits he would not be able to stay at home all day.

I told him he is welcome to do more if he wants (joke) grin

onepieceoflollipop Tue 22-Jul-08 14:08:05

Also I forgot to say that it is not unusual for my dh to work all week, then effectively become a SAHD all weekend (while I am at work) and then straight back to his paid employment on the Monday.

He doesn't moan (nor should he). We made our decisions about having children etc and this is how things are for us at the moment.

onepieceoflollipop Tue 22-Jul-08 14:10:22

Dusty your dh sounds a little like mine. Rather than ruminating on how "hard done by" they are, they just get on with it. In fact he is quite appreciative of the things I do to make his life easier when he is with the children. e.g. I will leave meals/sandwiches ready prepared in the fridge, or sort the laundry before I go on a late shift etc.

He is man enough to realise that when I have the children no one does these little things for me (no sandwich fairy unfortunately) grin

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