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(16 Posts)
bamzooki Mon 21-Jul-08 22:59:31

So my H left in April, lived on his own for about a month then got a 'houseshare' with a woman from work, only they also share a bedroom now.. hmm
Anyway - we have tried really hard to keep things friendly between us for the sake of out DC, and so far managed really well. Maybe too well.

He tells me all about their rows, about how it's not going to last long term. the last time he dropped the DC off he was in tears about how he was missing them (and upset them in the process of course).
Then shortly after, when I had reminded him that there was still more of his stuff at home to collect, I got a text telling me that he was finding it really hard to take stuff away, and that he was missing me...but that he probably shouldn't tell me that.

Now I don't have much problem in listening to him let off steam about his problems with new woman, partly because I know it will help keep him more settled for the DC, rather than hitting high stress heights, and partly because usually his reactions to events leaves me feeling relieved that I do not have to deal with that any more!

So what is going on here? Am I being too understanding in being a listening post? And what's with the 'missing me' texts? I mean - he shacked up with someone else less than a month after telling me that he didn't really love me any more and had been 'playing the part of a husband' for the last two years.

So go on - give me opinions from outside the situation. I feel like I'm missing the obvious somehow.

theexmrsfederer Mon 21-Jul-08 23:04:44

Obviously the grass is not greener.

Do you want him back?

He is putting out feelers to gauge your reaction to suggesting he moves back into the marital home.

Dior Mon 21-Jul-08 23:05:52

Message withdrawn

bamzooki Mon 21-Jul-08 23:11:55

Oh god I hope he isn't. Don't get me wrong, I was devastated when he left, but I feel like I am just starting to find myself in a way that i have never done before. We got together when I was 18 and had been together for 21 years - almost to the day.
Bu if he has changed his mind, I will feel I ought to at least try for the sake of the DC. But how can I risk taking him back when he has already had an affair - 3 yrs ago, and we were supposed to be making a go of things.

Dior Mon 21-Jul-08 23:13:55

Message withdrawn

theexmrsfederer Mon 21-Jul-08 23:16:44

Why should you take him back if you don't want to? You are not obligated to do so.

So this is strike two?? Gawd.

Continue to work on yourself and distance yourself from his self-indulgent and pityful ramblings.

He sounds like you have a MUCH better relationship post-infidelity than he deserves TBH.

Well done you for keeping communication open but make sure it is for the benefit of the DC and not to keep stroking his gi-normous ego.

theexmrsfederer Mon 21-Jul-08 23:17:54

<< wanders off shaking head in confusion >>..

bamzooki Mon 21-Jul-08 23:18:52

I never thought I would ever say this about the man who for so long I considered to be my soulmate, but I am really not sure if I want him back now.
But I don't know if I'm on a sort of rebound 'I'm fine without you' sort of thing.
I guess only time will tell.

theexmrsfederer Mon 21-Jul-08 23:20:26

So give it LOTS of time and harden your heart against his "oh woe is me..." shenanigans

bamzooki Mon 21-Jul-08 23:22:14

xmrsfed - I know i could be very bitter and twisted about everything. But I find much more peace in just letting all that go and not wasting any more emotion on it all. The more I chew over what happened before, the more I am living in the past and not looking forward.

bamzooki Mon 21-Jul-08 23:24:31

Actually I find his wrangles with New woman rather amusing tbh.
In fact I told him the other day that considering they were both adults, they should have a sensible talk about their problems and not score points off eachother like teenagers! Not sure he liked that. grin

theexmrsfederer Mon 21-Jul-08 23:27:46

OMG, you are turning into his mother. shock

bamzooki Mon 21-Jul-08 23:33:16

Hmm - and here's me thinking i am retaining my dignity by getting on with my life and not getting embroiled in it all. So my DC can have a good relationship with him still etc.
But I know I am very good at being passive and non-confrontational. Maybe I need an attitude adjustment...

theexmrsfederer Mon 21-Jul-08 23:37:51

If it works for you Bamzooki, I am not knocking it.

He just sounds extremely juvenile and self-centred and tbh I think you need to remove yourself more from HIS situation and concentrate more on yours.

But obviously, I am making that judgement on a TINY amount of information and so it is not worth the screen space it is typed on smile.

But you did ask.

bamzooki Mon 21-Jul-08 23:43:24

I know - no problem.
But you could well have a point to an extent. Maybe I should be telling him that I don't want to hear about their problems, because they are just that - theirs.
It should be possible to be friendly without being so involved.
I guess after so long together it's hard not to slip into some old habits.
Ultimately I do hope we can be mates in the long term, but maybe it would be better to have a bit more distance right now while we establish our new lives.

theexmrsfederer Mon 21-Jul-08 23:44:36

Good luck Bamzooki.

Night-night x

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