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grown daughter and mother relationships(9 Posts)
I am having a very tricky situation with my much loved 28 year old daughter.
I was left to raise my 2 children when my girl was only 10, I did have to go to full time employment from then to make ends meet.I have an wonderful bright beautiful girl who now as she is undergoing therapy as part of her masters studies to actually become a music therapist herself,has turned to me with the fact that she considers that I have always put her under too much pressure when she was growing up .That I put to many of my own issues on her shoulders. There has been a great deal said that has hurt so much and yet all I want is to re balance our relationship. Any suggestions
I think that nearly all of us are going to have issues with our DC when we grow up. More a matter of working thru them, than clinging to the hope that we ever were the perfect parent.
Ask her if there's a way you can make amends now? You can't change the past, after all.
I argued like anything with my mum up until a few years ago.We would scream at each other and hurt each other with words.All this because my brothers had special needs and serious behavioral issues and my mum had depression(meaning I learnt to be a parent long before I was one for real).
Then we finally stoppped talking for a while. When we finally talked again we both realised that we had to start our relationship all over again and put whatever was in the past where it should be in the past as we couldn't change it.
I'm now discovering that in some ways my mum is one of my best friends and we are very alike(which is prob why we argued so badly).
My cousin is experiencing similar things with her mum and so are/have a lot of my friends.
I think it happens to most mums and dd's as we grow to become different adults and have to both adapt to what is basically a new relationship with someone you've known a long time.
I realise this doesn't completly help but what I'm trying to say is that given time,disscussion and acceptance that some things weren't perfect (on both sides usually) then things can work out for the best and you can both gain a new understanding.
Sounds like you did your best. SHe has to learn to let it go.
I confronted my parents with these sorts of issues when I was 27. They listened to me carefully, tried not to defend themselves too much and used the much loved parenting phrases; we did our best/there is no manual/you have to make decisions at the time/hindsight is a wonderful thing/we are all human.
In the end once I got it off my chest I moved on. Think its something everyone has to go through whether they actually tell their parents or not. In a way its good she feels she can tell you, must be awful to be on the receiving end though!
Having been through a similar process I think the best thing to do is hear what she has to say - acknowledge which bits could be true and if you need to, say sorry. The bits that don't resonate for you - you will just have to accept that they are her experience, even if you don't agree with them. None of us are perfect parents and I think relationship can come through the other side of these sorts of things, clearer and stronger.
I went through a similar thing with my mum at 28. I finally just had to accept she was only human, had done her best (which was not always good or right in my opinion) and we kids had all survived to adulthood without too many neuroses!!! Since then our relationship has become way better, more relaxed and open. I have no expectations of her other than mutual respect, therefore I am never disappointed. I think mother-daughter relationships are a psychological minefield.
am going to ask my mum to write to you I think on this front.
I'm from a very loving family, very secure etc had a very happy child hood. BUT mum started a college course, we (DB and I) both went off the rails a bit - won't bore you with the details. I had councilling he, needless to say we both really pushed our parents to the limit, big time.
any how at 16, with her support I had the councilling, we used to go for a coffee after to discuss things, I know for a fact I said some horrible hurtful stuff to her - but it was how I felt at the time. I moved away, but in fairness it wasn't until I had DS I fully appreciated how much she'd done for us and that it's not easy being a parent. she's only human after all, now i have so much respect for both of my folks, her mum especially, as she managed a full on degree plus two tear aways and the house running etc.
now she's the one I turn to, we have a fantastic relationship. it takes time and patience I think, as someone else said accpet what she's saying but to a degree she also needs to accept and take her share of the blame in all of this (if there is in deed any you feel is hers to take).
does she have children - it's no defence but it's true I honestly didn't appreciate how hard it was for my parents until I had my own house and now of course with DS.
Myabe you did put pressure on her and it's good that she can talk to you about it. She should be learning as part of the therapy that it would be wrong to let past pressures effect her life in the future. The whole point of therapy is learning to deal with issues and move on, to become the captain of your own ship...
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