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I just don't know what to think anymore........................

(182 Posts)
lucyellensmum Sat 19-Jul-08 23:50:23

I just don't know what is going on. We have been through some real financial shit, dp finally gets a job, great, fantastic, money worries over surely. So things would get better??? you would think so, but omg, since friday DP has been awful to me. I don't knwo whether i am coming or going. Im quite pissed to be honest and i shouldnt even be drinking but otherwise i think i might just die. He is being so, cold and hateful towards me. I confronted him and he said he wont leave because of DD, but just now he said thati should give him a few weeks to sort himself with a bedsit and that he will come to see DD. But he says he loves me. Says he can't put up with my shit anymore?? WTF, him getting a job was like a weight off my shoulders, i thought things would be OK, i really did......................now this, i just don't know what to think.

So i know i have been shit to live with, really awful even. But on Friday i was talking with a friend in front of him about PND an depression and she was really open about everything, it totally mirrored what i felt. You know, he was so attentive to her, was laughing and joking with the children with her. Playing running races with the buggies, and told me to hurry up and "roll along" to meet them, im a tad overweight, she has a lovely figure. I dismissed this actually. But honestly, since then he has been terrible with me. This person has managed to combat her pnd without drugs and has quite a positive outlook on the outside. Talking about alternative therapies etc.

I actually wonder if he wished i could be more like this person...........more positive, i thought i was trying, i really did. So my therapy comes out of a tablet bottle.....so what, does that make me any less a viable candidate for a cuddle, i mean, thats all i want really, someone to cuddle me, to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. To feel their hands in my hair and have them hold me, really hold me close to them, like they want to protect me and like they really love me.

I have honestly taken so much contempt from him tonight, his excuse, he is tired, well you konw what, i am tired, im fucking tired of worrying about money,tired of worrying if he might leave me, tired of worrying that my eldest daughter hates me, im plain fuicking tired of being alive, but i am, im still here, living and breathing because I have a beautiful DD asleep in bed upstairs, but you know what, he is poisening her against me, he says things like "mummys a nutter" things like that.

Im only like this because i am so LONELY and in need of a hug, i miss my dad so much, i broke down about this tonighht, he laughed, said, oh, not this again.

He is being HATEFUL, i know he is having a hard time, but i cannot be his emotional punch bag, i wish he would hit me, really bloody hurt me, i know its what i deserve really, at least i would have some physical pain that i could measure and say, look, this is what you ahve done to me, please feel sorry for this, please take pity on me and love me again....i jsut want him to love me again, he did you know, he loved me so much, and i him, it was wonderful, 15 years of heaven, we didn't argue, we made love EVERY single day, and we held hands and touched each other, looked at each other with love in our eyes, admiration and respect. Now im lucky if i get contempt, cos that is better than nothing isnt it

Dont mind me, im pissed, but im tired, lonvely, and i miss my dad and i am so angry cos he is dead and i cant believe he has left me like this, his princess, all alone, this wasn't supposed to happen and im scared really so totally and utterly scared

SpirallingOutOfControl Sat 19-Jul-08 23:52:36

You had 15 years of heaven - what went wrong? What changed that?

lucyellensmum Sat 19-Jul-08 23:56:17

i got pregnant, i was supposed to be getting a job and earning loads of money after my PhD, but instead i am a SAHM and not even very good at that. I let him down, i know that...we are in trouble with money, but i thought we could ride every storm. Trouble is, i know he blamse me, resents me for all of this, he hates me actually.

notjustmom Sat 19-Jul-08 23:56:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notjustmom Sat 19-Jul-08 23:57:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucyellensmum Sat 19-Jul-08 23:58:41

I'm so tired, i want to go to bed, but i can't leave it like this, he said he wants to leave that we are finished. But i can't accept that, if i could just snuggle up to him, maybe get a bit frisky, persuade him that i still have something to offer....i just love him so much you see, and right now i want to kill him because of that

HuwEdwards Sat 19-Jul-08 23:59:25

Lucy love, tis late, you (we) have had a drink and so can't resolve this now.

Get some sleep and it will be a leeeetle clearer in the morning. xx

lucyellensmum Sun 20-Jul-08 00:00:04

notjustmum, if he goes, he will realise just how much better things are without me and i will have lost him forever. I will have driven my DDs daddy away - how can i live with that

notjustmom Sun 20-Jul-08 00:00:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeniVidiVickiQV Sun 20-Jul-08 00:01:34

Lucy, are you bipolar?

notjustmom Sun 20-Jul-08 00:03:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucyellensmum Sun 20-Jul-08 00:03:39

i don't know VVV i dont, i think my doctor thinks im a drama queen. I think i am just a very very bad person

lucyellensmum Sun 20-Jul-08 00:06:41

but surely not us njm, we were supposed to be for life im so weak, i cant even cut myself

lucyellensmum Sun 20-Jul-08 00:07:00

but surely not us njm, we were supposed to be for life im so weak, i cant even cut myself

lucyellensmum Sun 20-Jul-08 00:07:05

but surely not us njm, we were supposed to be for life im so weak, i cant even cut myself

VeniVidiVickiQV Sun 20-Jul-08 00:07:47

I think you should seriously consider that as a diagnosis. I dont know what else to say really, other than get some sleep. You cant sort this with any clarity on drink.

ninah Sun 20-Jul-08 00:08:37

Go to bed and think about it tomorrow.

lucyellensmum Sun 20-Jul-08 00:10:13

IF I LET him go, it will be the end i am nothing without him, nothing

the thing is, im not even sure im surprised you know. I am a slag really

bossybritches Sun 20-Jul-08 00:10:56

LEM sweetie get to bed, you are SOOO tired and feeling sad- come and have a talk in the morning and keep talking but get some rest smile

Big hugs.x

lucyellensmum Sun 20-Jul-08 00:12:41

but how do i get them to take me seriously VVVQV, really? ive considreed this, im soo up and down its untrue, but then when i read up on it, im not so sure. Ive tried to get help but i know i will have ot hurt myself and i can't because im too weak, ive just tried you see, but its just scratches, cos it hurt too much and im so weak.

Its spoilt brat syndrom really, its like, listen to me, im so pooryl hey ho, it will be another phase tomorror

notjustmom Sun 20-Jul-08 00:13:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucyellensmum Sun 20-Jul-08 00:16:29

im scared now that i will go to sleep and it will still be the same this morning, he is asleep on the sofa, snoring his head off, he is tired. I love him so much, i want to go and cuddle him, but i cannot stand rejection. Im firghtened of what i might do (to him) actually if he pushes me a way, but i NEED a cuddle

Oh, i want my DAD, why did he have to fucking well leave me like this, bloody well thought i was set up with a man too look after me thats hwat he thought, and he just left me, his little girl and i didnt realise, i didn't know, he loved me you see, he is the only one who ever really loved me. I see DP with DD and i think, i had that with spomeone, i thought it was DP bit iot was my Dad. but he is gone and not coming back, so thats just tough shit isnt it. Im not the first to suffer this, i should get on with it.

find an outlet for the pain but i cant even draw blood

weak

pathetic

stupic

cunt

Niecie Sun 20-Jul-08 00:18:30

Oh LEM don't talk about yourself like that. You aren't a slag or a bad person - he wouldn't have stuck with you all this time if you were. You have both lost your way for a bit - doesn't necessarily mean it is the end.

Sounds to me like he is not happy with himself at the moment and is taking it out on you.

Does he feel like he has failed because he has had to get a job? I assume that you mean he has given up on his business and taken a paid job rather than he has taken on a job as part of his business. Does he feel like he has let you down because he hasn't made his business work and so is lashing out?

Don't say that you have nothing left if you don't have him - you have your daughters. They need you.

Don't know what to say that will help though. Maybe you need to give him some space for a bit. Don't try and discuss or analyse for a bit, just be. Let him calm down.

So sorry you are feeling like this though. sad

notjustmom Sun 20-Jul-08 00:20:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucyellensmum Sun 20-Jul-08 00:22:22

but its all true neice, its all true. The man i love is in the other room but he is ten million miles away from me. He is unhappy and tired, because of ME. My DD is stressed and worried because of ME. I have been told time and time again on here i am a burden and its true. If being a slag was the least of my worries i wouldnt care. Its being weak and pathetic that have hjurt him more

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