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DP on dating network. Please help.

(14 Posts)
maribe Sat 19-Jul-08 20:36:26

DP has been off work with depression for months and has just quit, with my backing. Up until recently we argued a lot, he told me he was bored, he suggested we split up (but changed mind 1 hr later). Recently though things much, much better. We have no DCs.

I am not a snooper in general. But a couple of days ago his bank statment was lying out and there was a suspicious looking payment on it. I looked it up today. It was for a payment account linked to a dating network.

i calmly confronted him about it (tbh thought it was just porn). After some inital avoidance he admitted that a few weeks ago he was thinking of ending the relationship and had posted on a dating site. The profile is now deleted. He didn't contact or meet anyone, he says. Then he got angry at me for invading his privacy, shouted and swore and me, demanded an apology and stormed off to his Mum's.

i am devastated and don't know what to do. I have told one friend who is putting her DCs to bed right now but we will talk later. I want to talk to someoneone else but DP is my best friend and all other friends I don't want to tell in case we work things out. My friend things just ego boosting because of depression. Probably true, but I feel so emoty. My Dad is serial philanderer and my DP;s sometiems brutal honesty and trustworthiness is so important to me.

Please some advice and thoughts. I am all alone in the house here.

LittlePeanut Sat 19-Jul-08 20:46:33

Poor you.

You need to think hard about how much you want this relationship though. Is it just a "comfy shoe" type of relationship? Are you in a rut and staying with him because you are scared of being alone? I only ask because it doesn't sound like it can be a great relationship really, if he is saying he is bored, threatening to split up, joining a dating site etc. do you really want this for yourself?

The trouble is it's hard to judge how much of a factor the depression is playing in this though. If he didn't have depression I'd definitely be advising you to dump him and move on. Difficult though, because maybe this is all a symptom of his emotional state at the moment...?

I don't have much experience with depression, thankfully. Maybe someone else may be able to tell you if this is a common 'symptom' (for want of a better word).

Good luck.

maribe Sat 19-Jul-08 20:53:45

Thanks for getting in touch peanut.

TBH I am really confused. Yes I am scared of being alone. However I have had long periods of being single and am capable of doing this. I have never begged him to stay or anything. I don't want the relationships as presented. Though I felt we were getting beyond that point.. then I found the statement, can't remember when it was dated from, though I think fairly recent.

I think the depression is significant but obviously I can't just put up with anything because of it. That's why I am so stuck and confused.

There are lots of lovely things about our relationship too.

How much of an infidelity is this, to other people? Assuming he has not met anyone, which I really don't think he has.

LittlePeanut Sat 19-Jul-08 21:00:57

Although I can see that this is not a fully fledged infidelity if he didn't actually meet anyone etc. - I think the point is what were his intentions? He MUST have been intending on meeting another woman/women at some point. This shows such little respect for you!

I guess you really need to sit and discuss this with him. It's no good running off hysterically to his mum's in a huff anout his privacy being invaded (FGS!)

You really need to find out why he did thi and what it means about his feelings for you.

Please don't just put up with being treated badly because you don't want to be alone. You have been single before, so you know it is better than being in a rubbish relationship that chips away at your self worth.

maribe Sat 19-Jul-08 21:16:44

He says that he was trying out the idea of being single, because he was planning to end the relationship. We talked about splitting a few weeks ago. I think he was testing what it would feel like to be single.

the he changed his mind. But now I need to decide what I want. And he might have changed his mind again.

Agree about running off to his Mums. If he tells her what happened she will give him what for (and then some), so I suspect he will be huffing in his old bedroom.

So angry that he is acting like the hurt person here.

LittlePeanut Sat 19-Jul-08 21:26:41

Sorry if this sounds harsh but what he is actually saying then, is "I want to leave you but I am not brave enough (yet) to do it".

If he is trying out a dating site, testing the water, changing his mind but now running off to his mum's, it really sounds like he wants to leave but doesn't quite have the guts. Maybe he is also scared of being alone.

Sorry, I realise this sounds harsh - and of course I don't know you so I am just going on what you have said.

I think you deserve better than this.

Don't wait for him to get his courage up to leave you. Pack his bags for him.

maribe Sat 19-Jul-08 21:29:57

Thanks for your thoughts Little Peanut. It has crossed my mind that this might be the case. I have told him to leave if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.

I do think relationships have to be worked at at times too though, so I need to think from all angles. Does anyone have a different perspective? Or the same one?

LittlePeanut Sat 19-Jul-08 21:40:05

OK good luck maribe. Hope someone else comes along to give a different perspective.

maribe Sat 19-Jul-08 21:49:13

Thanks. But I'm just saying that so other people don't read it and think it is "our" conversation. I really appreciate your help.

Capital Sat 19-Jul-08 22:12:14

Well, I would be pretty gutted. And quite furious. I would be thinking that not only do I have to support this person's depression I also need to tolerate his desire to leave me and meet someone better - on a dating site hello!- in his view.

You not only deserve a lot more than he is offering you, you will undoubtedly find someone better in the future once this nitwit is out of your way.

Is he a drifter, does he not know what he wants? Is this the cause of his depression?

It's hard to dump someone you love. But he sounds like hard work to me.

maribe Sun 20-Jul-08 09:32:34

I'm quite sad that everyone who has replied has come to the "pack his bags" conclusion. (Though I appreciate the help esp about how to think things through). Can't really pack them anyway as it is his house too!!

Is this really how it works?

Maybe the problem is that I am not very good at all at sustaining anger, I am just preoccupied with working out if he can give me what I need from a relationship.

I don't know whether to sit here and wait for him or to go and confront him. tbh I know that I am not just going to end it without even talking (shouting?) it over.

PeaMcLean Sun 20-Jul-08 10:24:40

I really don't think he's going to give you what you need from a relationship. You need to come to your decision then just tell him. It sounds like it's come to an end to be honest. You're both just avoiding the situation and one of you is giong to have to take the lead, and say it's over. Do you want to just be in this limbo situation for ages?

prettyfly1 Sun 20-Jul-08 12:54:03

This is exactly how my relationship ended. he had been suffering depression for months, i supported him leaving work then i caught him on these sites. his excuse was it was a bit of fun and he was just trying some escapism. To me not the case. to me it ws him looking for someone else, it was a betrayal and it hurt like hell. I am no saint but seriously i didnt deserve that and neither do you. I think you really really have to ask yourself how much more you can put up with. supporting your whole family, dealing with his moods and illness and now this - and if he isnt working where is the money coming from for it. He has gone to his mums rather then deal with it because depressives cant deal with reality so i wouldnt read too much into that but you need to look at his medication,support and councelling for you both if you are going to stay. massive HUGE hugs becuase going through what you are is agonising beleive me i know.

beanieb Sun 20-Jul-08 13:03:48

I would be furious and I would be thinking very carefully about having him back! Certainly I wouldn't be letting him get away with putting the blame on me! It's his behaviour which has been bad - he was thinking of leaving you so he joined a dating site! Sounds to me like a man who doesn't have the courage or decency to get out of an unhappy situation unless he has other avenues open...

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