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Have started divorce proceedings, but not sure if I want to go through with it!!!

(7 Posts)
nancysgirl Sun 06-Feb-05 21:16:43

Am in a right old state. I have been separated from my h for nearly 6 months now, and this is our 3rd separation in 2 years. He had an affair 2 years ago and we tried to get over it, but failed spectacularly. Also he has behaved like a complete a*hole over all sorts of things and made me really miserable. And yet here I am wondering whether to give it another try. I must be mad. I know what he's like, I know he won't change, but divorcing him is making me even more miserable-if that's possible. I'm not at all sure he would even come back if I asked him, and I don't know if I would regret it within a week or so but I just cannot stop thinking about the possibility. What to do........?
P.S Bayleaf if you read this do not ring and shout at me!!!!!!

Lucycat Sun 06-Feb-05 21:20:23

IMHO I feel that you should go ahead with the divorce as it seems to be the hanging around and uncertainty of where your life is going that is messing with your head. Once you make the break then you can meet somebody fabulous! You would regret asking him to come back as it would then give him the position of power - you are better than that I'm sure. Take care.

Bugsy2 Tue 08-Feb-05 12:44:22

nancysgirl, so sorry to hear about your situation. I have just finished the divorce process following my ex's affair & unsuccessful attempt to put the relationship back together. I think you need to really soul search & work out if you want this man as a partner & can you possibly make it work. If you decide you don't then although divorce is a messy, tiring business at least you will have some kind of closure on the whole thing.
Why is divorcing him making you so miserable - is it the process or just the thought of it?
Big hugs to you.

nancysgirl Tue 08-Feb-05 22:37:18

Bugsy2-I wish I knew what exactly it was that is making me miserable!! I just can't seem to unravel my thoughts and make any sense of them. Firstly, I feel such a failure. Secondly, I desperately don't want my dd's life to be spent shuttling between the 2 of us and not understanding whu her daddy isn't around (she's only 3.5 at the mo and blissfully unaware that we're not in a "normal" situation but that is not going to last). Also, despite everything, I think I still love him, although I don't know if I'm just lonely. I miss the man I married, not the 1 I've had to live with for the past few years. And against all this is the fact that even if I do still love him and he still loves me, that doesn't mean I should stay with him and take more of the crap!
I just wish I could sort it all out!
Thanks for replying-didn't get much of a response and was feeling a bit down!!

Bugsy2 Wed 09-Feb-05 12:50:34

nancysgirl, do you think you love him out of habit rather than because he is worthy of your love? It is hard for me to second guess your situation and I wouldn't want you not to make every effort to get your relationship to work. However, it really does take alot of effort from BOTH sides. How willing is your DH to make it work? Have you tried counselling?
I'm just thinking aloud, so don't feel you have to answer, if I'm being intrusive.

nancysgirl Wed 09-Feb-05 17:32:46

Now that's got me thinking-yes maybe it is habit. I've just found myself looking at Valentine's cards before I remembered that I had no-one to buy one for!
And ni, I don't know that he is worthy of my love. I've said to him before that he took all my love and threw it back at me if that makes any sense. We did go to counselling and he was awful and in the end refused to go back. You're right, it does have to be both of us working at it, and that's what lead to the final split-I tried really hard to get over his affair and his behaviour, but he never seemed to be in the slightest bit remorseful and never made any particular effort to rebuild my trust in him-quite the opposite in fact.
So, thanks for your thoughts-you've really made me think!
Do you feel you have "got over" your split? Do you feel better for it? I can't bear living in this sea of misery-either option just seems so crap!
DD at DH's for the first time tonight so I am going out in a bit, trying not to think about it all!

Bugsy2 Thu 10-Feb-05 14:23:18

nancysgirl, I went through exactly what you went through. In the end my ex's ambivalence & lack of remorse (not to mention his inability to finish with the other woman) made me so angry I knew I wanted the relationship to be over.
I found out about the affair almost exactly 2 yrs ago and started divorce proceedings a year ago and my life has definitely turned around now. In many ways you are through the worst of it - divorce is just an administrative proceedure. It is not very pleasant & definitely not to be undertaken unless you are sure - but at the end of the day it is a matter of paperwork and not broken hearts.
For me the worst part was not knowing what to do for the best. Now I feel so empowered and strong. I have discovered a resiliance I never knew I had and in a funny way I have "refound" myself (sounds naff but it is true).
Enjoy your night out - you deserve some fun.

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