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Has anyone been through Relate counselling? Do you think it would help here?

(24 Posts)
JulietBravo Sat 19-Jul-08 18:04:36

Dh and I have been having some trouble recently.
Basically I've discovered he has been lying about a lot of stuff (no affairs or anything like that though).
I'm finding it really difficult to come to terms with things and what he has done. I also feel that, after my initial annoyance, I'm now expected to forget about it all and go back to normal - I can't do this. It's all I think about and it's ruining my life. Dh seems to have forgotten all about it and is back on track hmm.I'm jumping between pretending all is great and then being very moody - it's not healthy!
So, would relate help us here? Also, we have no spare cash, is relate free? a donation? Would anybody mind telling me how much it cost / what sort of things go on? (Obviously name changers are most welcome here - well, I have so name change, join me and educate me please!)

Collision Sat 19-Jul-08 19:07:31

Friends of mine are at Relate and it costs £40 per session.

They pleaded poverty and pay £20 per session.

would he go to Relate? what does he think about it all?

JulietBravo Sat 19-Jul-08 19:11:43

sad We couldn't even afford £20 a session I'm afraid.
Yes, he'd go to Relate. He's not against talking about it all. He just thinks I should be over it.

BitOfFun Sat 19-Jul-08 19:18:17

I tried Relate in a previous relationship, but it was too late probably, and the money was a worry for me too. I did work once in a voluntary sector counselling agency which also offered couples counselling, and didn't charge anything. Perhaps that would be worth looking into in your area?

JulietBravo Sat 19-Jul-08 19:21:22

Bitoffun, yes, I think that would be better moneywise.
I only thought Relate because they are known and trustworthy. But, then again, I suppose most places have to be.
Does anyone know of any free recommended places?

Collision Sat 19-Jul-08 19:22:00

Do you not think though that if it saves you your marriage and the stress and cost of splitting up and solicitor fees, that you should try might only be for a few sessions.

JulietBravo Sat 19-Jul-08 19:22:59

Oh believe me, I would. But it isn't a case of finding the money, there just is none at all at the moment. sad

notasheep Sat 19-Jul-08 19:32:05

It helped me but it didnt help us

JulietBravo Sat 19-Jul-08 19:33:35

Would you still recommend some type of counselling though notasheep? Did it help you in subsequent relationships?

kikid Sat 19-Jul-08 19:44:26

my experience with relate was awful..

the 'counsellor' was rather cold & dismisive we also gave as much as we could afford towards the sessions but i felt we were looked down on..

sad really, we didn't stay together but i don't think the counselling would have swayed things either way. This was a while back & if it was now i'd probably complain or consider another counsellor.

JulietBravo Sat 19-Jul-08 19:47:44

Kikid, I've got a couple of friends who had a similar experience. I know we'd be likely to end up with the same counsellor as they did too as there are not that many around by us.
Does anyone know the name of any other marriage guidance places? The cheaper or freer the better.

notasheep Sat 19-Jul-08 19:48:07

Definitely,I was able to empty my head of so many repetitive,destructive thoughts.
My head is much clearer now.

meglet Sat 19-Jul-08 19:49:01

I read on here some time ago that some GP's will 'prescribe' a course of Relate. Maybe you could try that?

Me and DP went for a few weeks this year after our relationship took a turn for the worse (police had to escort him from the house as he was getting very agressive and threatening). It has helped us a lot, although as I type he is pissing me off and ignoring me to watch the cricket - so I am MNetting in protest grin.

JulietBravo Sat 19-Jul-08 19:50:17

Thank you notasheep. I think we can get through this, I hope so. I know that my feelings are quite destructive at the moment though and not in any way healthy.

JulietBravo Sat 19-Jul-08 19:51:22

Yes Meglet, I know where you're coming from.
I've been mnetting in protest for the last couple of hours!

ratbunny Sat 19-Jul-08 19:53:27

we went to relate when things were kind of bad, but not TOO bad in our relationship.
IMO they managed to drive a wedge in between us, and dh went on to have an affair. We are now separated.
I cant help but feel that if we had seen a more supportive counsellor who actually addresed the issues in our relationship that needed addressing we might have worked things out. xh sees it that way too. Seeing Relate was definitely a (bad) turning point in our marriage.
But that is just my experience of Relate. Aince the split, I saw a counsellor on my own, and he really helped me. He is a Christian counsellor, working alongside a church outreach thing. He is great, and doesnt preach to you or anything. Wish we had gone to him instead of Relate, I think he would have helped.

Monkeytrousers Sat 19-Jul-08 19:57:17

We went to Relate fo £5 per session. They ask what you can afford to pay and I said we could afford the minimum - which was a fiver.

To be honest, the books have done us more good as DP doesn't like the counselling environemnt and also that he sabotarged it too, rather than discuss an issue he didn't want to discuss with a stranger.

There's a list of them here

Maybe get a book and read it while waiting for an appointment?

kikid Sat 19-Jul-08 19:58:02

Sorry to hear that rat bunny.
I do think/hope that as our experiences were some time ago,, that maybe they are better regulated or trained now..

JulietBravo Sat 19-Jul-08 19:59:28

Ratbunny, that is so sad, but again, something that has been echoed by my friends.
I hadn't thought of Christian counselling, I actually think there is a place nearby and will look into that.
Monkeytrousers. £5 we could do! I will have a look at that book list. I wonder if the library could get some of them in for us?

Monkeytrousers Sat 19-Jul-08 20:05:35

The thing about Relate is they are not there to keep you together as such, but in understanding yourself and your relationship better. By doing this most people sort out their relationship problems but a small proportion also decide to split

ratbunny Sat 19-Jul-08 20:13:14

Kikid - we went to relate about 4 months ago.
what happened was, xh used to be aggressive towards me, but hasnt been for many years. We had sorted it out for ourselves.
But they refused to counsel us together. Instead, they wanted to send xh on a course for dv, despite us saying that wasnt actually the issue. Basically, this dragged up a whole load of issues from the past which we had got over ourselves, and werent what we wanted. We wanted help adjusting to a new baby.
Although I told the counsellor that I thought she was being ott, and actaully wasnt meeting our needs, she TOLD HIM that I had agreed with her!!!! wtf!
It wasnt until after the affair that we discussed this and found out. Now of course, things are VERY different. And we paid £80 for those 2 sessions.

woodstock3 Sat 19-Jul-08 22:10:45

my mum used to be a relate counsellor for years, and we've done relate as well, years ago.
they ask you to pay what you can afford and they say they'd never turn anyone down on the basis that they couldn't pay. so dont worry about that.
relate works best when you both are prepared to get involved and go, so think about whether your dp will agree to it, if he is now carrying on as if nothing has happened. you can go on your own but you will get something different out of it.
basically you just talk - they are trained not to judge/take sides (i found this a bit disappointing at first as i was half expecting them to agree with everything i said...). we only went for about three/four sessios but i found out a lot and i still remember and think about some of the stuff even now. you dont say what the lies were about but if the problem is trust then i think relate might help. the most common thing, acording to my mum, that ever brought people to relate was arguing about money....

JulietBravo Sat 19-Jul-08 22:20:31

The problem is most definitely trust!
I may try giving our local relate a ring and seeing what they say. I've searched and can't find another viable alternative.
He is willing to come to counselling, think it will be me bricking myself. I don't do sharing feelings!

notasheep Sun 20-Jul-08 08:45:23

Mine was trust too!
My counsellor was so good i just couldnt stop talking and i was quite shocked by some of things i said and realising how i actually felt-mad and full of rage.

I wish you well,its definitely worth a try

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