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I'm starting to resent his kids

(18 Posts)
BrownPaperBag Sat 19-Jul-08 15:03:06

I moved in with my partner 6 months ago, we had been together around 18 months before that. I have 2 children to a previous marriage and he has 2 children to a previous marriage also who live with their mother.

The first thing that grates on me is that he pays more maintanance than he's supposed to. His ex has a new partner (who works) and they're off to Florida whilst we're struggling to pay for a week in Spain. Even then he insisted that his kids come with us to Spain so whilst my kids go on one holiday we can barely afford, his get to go on both.

Aside from the maintanance he insists on buying his kids new shoes/trainers whenever he needs them. My kids have to make do with a £10 pair of trainers whilst his are swanning around in £40 Nike's.

Then there's the room, we live in a 3 bedroomed house. DP insisted that his kids should get their own room for when they come to stay so mine have to share for 90% of the time so that they can have their comforts every other fortnight. Now we have a baby on the way, I think I should be able to have the spare room (or their room) as a nursery but no, I'm supposed to make the baby share with us so his kids can continue having their own room.

Am I being unreasonable?

BetteNoire Sat 19-Jul-08 15:06:17

Do you contribute financially to the relationship?

I think it is admirable that your DP takes his responsibilities to his children seriously.

Does he know that you resent his children?

themoon66 Sat 19-Jul-08 15:08:45

Does your ex (your DC's father) not pay for exactly the same things your DP provides for his own kids? Perhaps you should look to your ex to contribute to holidays, trainers etc. Perhaps your ex should take his kids on holiday too.

But I don't think YABU. I would feel pretty miffed too. But I do think your ex is the answer, not your current DP.

I also think its bloody ridiculous to have an empty room just sitting there whilst the rest of you squeeze into two bedrooms.

ThatBigGermanPrison Sat 19-Jul-08 15:09:01

You did know he had kids, right? And I am assuming your name is not the only name on the mortgage?

And surely your kids' dad takes them to do things that your partner's kids don't get to do?

And if it's their room, I suggest you stop thinking of it as 'the spare' room. It's not spare. It's his kids' room.

why is it that yours "have to share" while his "have their comforts"? All the children are sharng a room with a sibling - why is it somehow worse for yours than for his?

itati Sat 19-Jul-08 15:10:09

TBH I think you are being a bit unreasonable but he has made some kind of commitment to you and your children so it needs to be sorted out fairly.

I can't see this relationship lasting once he knows you resent his children. How would you feel if he told you he resents yours?

How will he square it when the new baby comes?

You sound very bitter tbh and that isn't healthy for anyone. sad

JamesAndTheGiantBanana Sat 19-Jul-08 15:10:53

YANBU, but it's a difficult one, sounds like he misses his kids terribly and is overcompensating. God knows how you'll approach this as it's something he sounds very sensitive about it. Do you both own the house?

I think if you have a new baby coming, it's unreasonable to expect five of you to be squashed in two rooms when you have three rooms to use.

Perhaps decorate the third room as a nursery, get a couple of zbeds for the room, then when his kids come to stay they can go in there and baby can come in with you in a travel cot?

Does he consider your kids your kids and therefore your responsibility?

ThatBigGermanPrison Sat 19-Jul-08 15:12:01

And I have to say - your kids are only your kids, they aren't his kids, so why is it his fault if they have £10 trainers and his have £40 trainers?

SoupDragon Sat 19-Jul-08 15:12:28

YABU. Your DP comes as a package with his children and you knew that at the start.

Hecate Sat 19-Jul-08 15:18:41

He SHOULD take more care of his children than the minimum he can get away with! That's being a good father. Would you want to have your own child with a man who did not take his responsibilities as a father seriously?

Re the trainers - do you feel he should prioritise your children from your previous relationship above his children? Your children have a father, if he is not providing for them, that is outrageous and something for you to chase up, but that is no reason for this man to do the same to his children! That's quite unreasonable. And these children you have that are not his - how would you feel if he felt like this about them? What if he resents them? What if he wants them to move out and go live with their father? How would that feel? Do you not feel 'Love me love my kids'?? Do you not think he feels the same?

You knew he had children when you got together with him. You cannot shove his kids to one side. They are part of him and part of being with him!

slowlygoingcrazy Sat 19-Jul-08 15:20:33

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It would upset me too.

In our family we make sure all the kids have the same (except birthdays and christmas's when my DS and his DS have more than 'our' DS because more family - but then 'our' DS has his parents together..priceless).

My DSS only stays every fortnight so then he has to double up with my DS, there's no way I'd make my DS's share just so he could have a room every other week, that's not fair.

The holiday thing is a toughy, I think you might just have to swallow that. My DS and his DS have more hols than 'our' DS but we can't help that.

My ex pays nothing for DS so DH helps out where he can (he took me on so therefore he took DS on) and I'm not having my DS's treated differently!

Tell him how you feel, and good luck xxx

Alfreda Sat 19-Jul-08 15:35:23

It isn't clear what your ex is doing to provide for your children. It isn't clear if your dp is financially able to provide the trainers for your kids but doesn't because they are not "his". Bottom line is kids find fairness very important, and while dp's kids having benefits elsewhere is irrelevant, they should be treated equally while they are all together in the same house. Which means he has to appreciate your kids' needs, and you have to appreciate his. I can understand why your dp wants his kids to have their own space when they visit, so that the regard his home as theirs. But if you are having a baby together it makes sense to put the baby in the usually empty room when the other two are not there, but you don't have to decorate it as a nursery: the baby won't notice, and you may have to move the bairn in with you when they visit. In the longer term you need a loft conversion, and perhaps that might take some of the funds currently going to the ex as extra.

prettyfly1 Sat 19-Jul-08 16:21:27

i think your being a bit unreasonable to be honest. they share a room, your kids share a room. if you turn it into a nursery exactly where are they going to stay. you were aware he had two children when he met you arent you. i appreciate it must be frustrating but you have your kids with you all the time and they have your constant love and support. he does not so yes he does have to try harder with them. how would you like to see your kids a couple of times a month instead? also bit frustrated that you complained that he is paying over the odds. If your ex isnt contributing then deal with that but its not acceptable to ask him not to be what sounds like a great dad.

ButIForgetMyself Sat 19-Jul-08 16:36:13

My Dad's second wife resented my brother and I, to the point where, when she had her two children with him, she stopped him seeing us. She denied to other Mums at the school gate that we existed, pretended her kids were his first kids. My relationship with my Dad is now non-existent, due to his weakness and cowardice, something I will resent them both for for the rest of my life.

I will NEVER get over what she and he did when they cut contact. I haven't had a Dad since the age of six.

PLEASE think of the children in this. They, and yours, are the most important things in the world, trainers are so not the priority here, parental love is. You need to deal with your ex if your kids are losing out financially, it really is not your DP's responsibilty. Please don't deny or resent his children the love of their father.

CoteDAzur Sat 19-Jul-08 16:48:02

YABU. You obviously don't consider his children to be yours (by marriage). Yet you expect your DH to consider your children to be his (by marriage).

Don't you see that is an unreasonable expectation?

prettyfly1 Sat 19-Jul-08 17:38:35

ask yourself this. what would you tell your ex if he said his kids were going on holiday and yours were to stay at home. by making it difficult that is effectively what you are asking. it means bxxxxxks all what their mother provides they are his kids and he has the right to take them on holiday. sorry but i think you need to get over it.

NotDoingTheHousework Sat 19-Jul-08 17:45:49

Message withdrawn

mum2jakeyroo Sat 19-Jul-08 21:01:49

I agree with slowlygoingcrazy. My dss shares with ds1 when he stops while ds2 has his own room. Tbh dss was given the choice when we moved but he wants to share as he had to in our old house which was only 2 bedrooms. If he lived with us permanently he would have to share. How old are all the children? How often do they stay? The reason I ask is I would not like to put 3 dc in one room and have dsc's room empty apart from once a fortnight.

macdoodle Sun 20-Jul-08 07:56:25

Sorry you are being totally unreasonable - would like to say more but I won't - would you like his kids to sleep in the garden or better yet not come at all - then you get to keep your cosy little family with your kids and your new baby the priority - not nice at all - he sounds like a decent man - you sound like a spoilt little princess - oops I said it ....

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