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when you don't "click" with dh in bed

(7 Posts)
happyhomemaker Thu 17-Jul-08 17:26:10

I name changed as this is not something I would normanlly discuss.

The problem is that I get frustrated with dh's "technique" (for want of a better word) in bed. He seems completely incapable of doing anything in sync - if he is kissing me he pays no attention to what I'm doing with my mouth, for example, and if I try to keep up and follow him it ends up like kissing a washing machine on spin cycle.

He seems to jump all over the place, leaping from one thing to another without spending any time on one thing so that it actually becomes pleasurable. I don't want to hurt him and I've tried saying things like "that's nice/I love it when you do that" but he will immediately go harder/faster on hearing any words of encouragement.

I've tried to slow him down, taking his face in my hands and kissing him slowly, for example, but it doesn't really work - I avoid kissing altogether now and I miss the intimacy of it

I remember it being better at the beginning of our relationship (though we were each other's first partners so maybe it was just inexperience)

it sometimes feels like romping with an over eager labrador puppy

feeling quite frustrated - any ideas

maidamess Thu 17-Jul-08 17:34:04

Well, on a positive note, at least you still doing it, and wanting to do it and make it better.

How about one evening saying 'I'm in charge tonight' and he just has to lie there and let you do stuff to him. You could let him know thru this what you like, and make him slow down a bit. You can do a saucy running commentary if you like.

I have actually said before 'I don't like it when we kiss like that' and I think its Ok to say that.

mynamechange Thu 17-Jul-08 17:51:32

All I can say is read my other post about possibly leaving my DH after 25 years...
sex is a no-no- from not being able to get enough 25 years back, I now hate it with him and have had no sex for years,although he does try and we do pet, for want of a better word, until I get annoyed- he tends to do the same thing over and over again.....

he is useless at kissing and if I say something is nice he just goes on and on and on- I do have other body parts fgs!!!

Oblomov Thu 17-Jul-08 18:06:47

goodness me, useless at kissing, and this has not been addressed sooner, becasue of ?????

And Op, it was better in the beginnning. But got worse, when exactly ?

happyhomemaker Thu 17-Jul-08 18:15:00

We've been together ten years

we had a rocky patch about 6 years ago when I felt betrayed and it affected all areas of our relationship - I didn't even want to sleep with him for a long time - maybe his confidence is still affected from this time as he will still say "I'd love to do x/y/z to you" which I find a complete turn-off (just thought now that maybe he's asking for permission)

I've tried the "I'm in charge" bit - the problem is that things that drive him wild (a good old tongue lashing of his ears, say) make my toes curl in discomfort - when he tries doing the stuff he likes on me, I really don't like it

AllFallDown Thu 17-Jul-08 19:14:47

Tell him tell him tell him. Men are worried enough about performance: dopn't be hurtful, but tell him how he can be an "even better" lover. Honestly, many of us appreciate the guidance.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 17-Jul-08 19:44:24

This is a problem with men and women and sex. Men tend to try the techniques they like on women (eg rubbing hard on the clit) and women do the same (far too gentle hand technique) so it takes a bit of communication to explain that we like different things! You need to accept that you may find there are things he would like you to do differently...but this will make it better for both. My DH has a slightly irritating kissing technique too but we work with it. When he asks if he can try something, what about giving it a go? I'm not talking nipple clamping or swinging necessarily, but a bit of light bondage, or even bottom sex is a lot of fun (I'm assuming that's the sort of thing he's after?) so if you can, why not give some things a go? It could be a trade off type of thing.

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