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Any older MN s who ended marriage later in life- and why/how? Long....

(34 Posts)
mynamechange Thu 17-Jul-08 16:52:06

Try to be brief- in huge dilemma.

Married for 25yrs, 2 DCs at uni. Had doubts before marriage but biological clock ticked and went ahead.
Not much in common- DH is reliable, caring, practical,honest, good worker etc etc. great Dad. Can't say he does much "wrong" except he doesn't do it for me anymore. Not same sense of humour, he doesn't "get inside my head" iykwim, sometimes I feel very lonely.

Very unromantic- useless at presents, taking me places, making me feel good. Unable to communicate feelings unless under great pressure from me. Feel neglected.

I almost had an affair years back and did not feel guilty- felt it was his punishment for not making a fuss of me.

Sex- none for YEARS. Had health issues- still have but not so bad- but gone off him sexually. He suffers in silence- won't talk unless I do. Ignores it when I say I have gone off him.

He has no friends and not a close relationship with his parents/brothers/sisters either. Bit of a loner.

I feel I am living a lie. Care about him, but no more than some of my friends. BUT we have 2 great DCs and I can't bear to hurt them - the would blame me forever. Also,money would be hard- we are comfortable he is due final salary pension in 8-10 years. I gave up professional career to have kids- work part time but not enough to be independent of him.

Is it worth splitting up at my age? I don't want anyone else, I just don't want to live a lie and want him to have someone who loves him for what he is.

Am I being totally stupid to think of giving up a good home, family life, etc etc?

Have you done it- and if so, what made you?

Anna8888 Thu 17-Jul-08 16:56:10

Do you really think you would be happier alone, and in reduced circumstances, than with the father of your children?

A friend of my parents is getting married on 6 September. She is in her seventies and left her husband of nearly 50 years for another man last year. She had been fed up with her husband for years and had been very actively looking for a new partner, while remaining married. I think that that is a better way...

mynamechange Thu 17-Jul-08 16:59:18

How funny you should say that- that idea has been done to death here, and everyone says "You must always leave your current relationship before finding another person."- what do you say to that then?

I do not know if I would be happier alone- that is why I am asking. Being alone does not worry me- it is being with someone I no longer fancy sexually , and who does not seem to know how I tick, or how to make me tick- that is worse than being alone I assure you.

meemar Thu 17-Jul-08 17:04:13

not sure I agree with anna's suggestion of looking for another partner whilst still married.

Is there any chance things could change. How aware is he of how you feel? If he was confronted with the fact that you might actually leave him would it kick-start him into saving your marriage.

Going it alone is scary, and I have no advice to offer on it. But you have years ahead of you to be happy, possibly with someone else if you find love again. If you can face the immediate fall-out and hardship it might be worth it for your future happiness.

mynamechange Thu 17-Jul-08 17:06:55

I suppose I feel he would need a huge personality change.

The only time he has been attentive was 15 yrs back when I was on the brink of an affair- and he sensed it, as I was not v
covering it up.

It is not that he doesn't love me- he does, but can't show it,- but that I don't love him- enough.

beanieb Thu 17-Jul-08 17:08:02

I think you should let him go. He may be happier without you and you the same without him.

Anna8888 Thu 17-Jul-08 17:08:48

I think it is easy to think it would be better being alone until you actually are alone - it can be quite a shock to some. But of course only you can know yourself on that score.

I totally disagree with the "you must divorce and be single before looking for a new partner" line that is so often held up as an example of good conduct on MN.

meemar Thu 17-Jul-08 17:10:46

There are lots of reasons why you should not try and find another man while you are still married:

1.The dishonesty and guilt will complicate how you really feel about your husband. Although you say you didn't feel guilty when you 'nearly' had an affair, I think actively seeking out new partners to take his place would make you feel awful, unless you were particularly heartless.

2.You leave your marriage very little chance of getting back on track

3.If your husband found out he would be deeply betrayed and hurt

4.Leaving your husband should be about you, and not what someone else can offer you as an alternative. You will never find the real you, if you are just looking to replace your marriage.

How does your DH feel about your marriage?

Anna8888 Thu 17-Jul-08 17:17:25

meemar - it sounds to me as if the OP is a long way beyond any of the points you make.

GorgonsGin Thu 17-Jul-08 17:19:54

tent to agree with Anna on this. You can take the moral high ground if you like about deceiving partners, but let's be practical about it. The partner relay sounds much more comfortable.

That's the way just about every man who wants to end a relationship will go about it. A couple of friends and I racked our brains one day to think of a marriage where the man left a relationship and there was no one else involved. Couldn't think of one.

GorgonsGin Thu 17-Jul-08 17:23:47

meemar - the OP is looking for affectiona and attention from someone else, she'd not trying to find the real mynamechange

MsDemeanor Thu 17-Jul-08 17:24:39

You sound bored with him rather than anything more drastic. YOu must have loved him once, surely? Is there nothing you enjoy doing together? Have you gone off him physically - ie he's gained stones in weight or something - or have you gone without sex so long you feel embarrassed by the idea of doing it? If that's the case I suggest you just do it and you might be surprised. I think marriages without sex do feel lonely and the people in them feel neglected and misunderstood. I think it's an often underrated relationship glue.

MsDemeanor Thu 17-Jul-08 17:25:28

Also, how much 'fuss' do you expect?

itati Thu 17-Jul-08 17:26:21

Just read an article written by Kathy Botham and her mother gave her this advice -

Whht are you wanting to walk away to? If it is something better for you and the children, then do it. If it's going to be the same, or worse, stay where you are.

meemar Thu 17-Jul-08 17:30:29

It's not really about taking the moral highground. I don't necessarily think looking for another man whilst married is the best thing for her.

What is she expecting to find? She could go looking for love for the next 10 years and be sorely disappointed, and still stuck feeling bitter with her husband.

Surely it's better to find her own happiness, then if another man comes into her life to share it, then so much better.

mynamechange Thu 17-Jul-08 17:46:16

I don't need a man to make me happy-let that be clear. I am in my 50s and very much my own person.

I don't know why I don't fancy him any more- no, he is still in good shape, but I don't like his "body type" any more- very skinny actually! However, I do feel that our lack of emotional connection has a lot to do with the no-sex.

I have also, for what it's worth, been "admired" by other men, but not taken it any further. Some of the men I do meet are very honest guys and say that although I am lovely ( blush) I am married and am out of bounds as far as they are concerned. So, I have my chances.

This is not about finding a replacement, although that would be nice- it's about being true to myself- but not having unrealistic ideas about what marriage is like after 25 years. I just feel we are friends- and that is not enough- I think I'd rather be on my own.

.

crokky Thu 17-Jul-08 17:50:31

My mum did this. This is going to sound rather disrespectful, but to put it bluntly, my father was a total bastard to her for the majority of the marriage (about 35 years). (eg nasty, rude, controlling, hit children, totally uncaring even during hospital stays, generally making daily life unhappy). She did the right thing and she (and me & other siblings) felt liberated as we weren't being shouted at/belittled every day. In your situation, I think I would stick with it and alter your expectations (he is obviously not the type of guy to bring you flowers etc - buy yourself some instead if you want them and try to appreciate other things about him). Here is another blunt statement - menopause - have you had it - how has it affected you? - I'm saying this because both my mother ans MIL do not wish to have sex with anyone ever again - it isn't the same for everyone anyway, but just a thought if that is one of the problems with DH).

mynamechange Thu 17-Jul-08 17:53:30

Thanks crokky- no it is meno thanks- I am still going through that fairly painlessly, but I still fancy other men like mad! It's this one I don't like.

mynamechange Thu 17-Jul-08 17:54:08

typo-NOT meno!!!

Alfreda Thu 17-Jul-08 20:36:42

Well, I guess there's no urgency. Why not change your life in other ways and see if you get more satisfaction out of it. The kids are at Uni, you are relatively free, you could backpack around, volunteer for VSO, take up a new sport (not badminton, OK? Skydiving, or kitesurfing.....).
Suppose what I'm getting at is that this is a time of life for re-evaluation, the nest is empty, you are still young and energetic, not ready to grow apple cheeks and flowery apron and spend your days pottering about in the garden and waiting for grandchildren, and you need a new challenge. Possibly the new challenge is living alone, possibly other things might substitute.

Give it a year. Insist you and he go to Relate or something similar, give it a try, eh? And then you can still decide if, at the end of that time, it is no better but you accept it, it is no better and you leave, or if it is, in fact better.

Tell your kids you are going to Relate, too. Forewarned is forearmed.

mynamechange Thu 17-Jul-08 21:07:10

Thanks Alfreda- I accept a lot of what you say, but no-one is more aware of those things than I am! I have a new career, new friends, new fitness regime, etc etc.
I HAD thought of maybe working away from home for a bit or doing VSO etc- even looked it up online a while back. I do not actively dislike my DH, i just feel that in many ways he is "not the man for me"- even marrying at almost 30, I now want different things- then, stability was all important having been messed about by a few dickheads, and what I would look for now is slightly different.

I had already warned my kids that I might go travelling- they were very worried about my safety shock!

zippitippitoes Thu 17-Jul-08 21:16:11

well in your position i would split up i think

but dont underestimate that you will in some respects have less freedom because you will presumably have less money

if he is happy for you to do your own thing and you arent really bothered about sex or a new man then you might as well stay with him

but if you really want to challenge yourself and leave no stone unturned to make the most of your life then start over without him

mynamechange Thu 17-Jul-08 21:18:47

I am bothered about sex- but with the right man! smile

OrmIrian Thu 17-Jul-08 21:21:44

See this is where madamez's line about monogamy being a bad idea makes so much sense. If you could remove yourself from this relationship and remain friends things would be OK? But we all buy the line that marriage is for life and it's all hearts and flowers. DH and I have been together for 20 plus years. I like and respect him in many many ways but I am also not in love with him. Part of me would love to be able to move on without hurting him terribly - I would hate to do that - but monogamy says NO! Any attempt to do that would cause instant misery and chaos.

namechangealso Thu 17-Jul-08 21:22:13

mynamechange... are you me? Have I posted this in my sleep?!
I mirror exactly what you have posted and you have all my sympathy. I am in my fifties also, married 21 yrs, with two DCs, one at Uni and I feel the same as you.

My DH is totally unable to connect with me in a physical or mental way and it is so hurtful. Sex... none for years and years and it was not my choice. Now it has been too long to change him so my marriage is celibate. And God knows I have tried... I have dragged him to Relate for numerous sessions. He thinks the world of me but I just don't know if it is enough. But I am scared to make a move because I don't want to hurt him or my DCs. And I really don't know if the grass is greener out there.

Could you tell me what your DH actually thinks of you? Does he love you even though he can't express it?

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