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Ok - I need someone to be completely honest with me and help me with DP

(52 Posts)
LuckySalem Wed 16-Jul-08 22:09:48

Me and DP are having trouble although I don't think DP is completely realising it as I don't really make it clear how annoyed I am with him sometimes - I tend to bite my lip instead.

I don't feel loved by him - just feel like we're two room mates. I'm not very loving back as I'm normally too knackered from dealing with clingy DD all day that I just want my space.

I've started conversations with him before about this, the last one was "do you think things are ok with us?" his answer was no - we need to be more physical. I tried to get sense from this but was annoyed that his first answer to what I thought was gonna be a sensible conversation seemed so flippant. (to me anyway)

I don't feel he does enough with DD as his idea of looking after her is sitting on the sofa with her in her bouncer while he watches TV - Feels like DD is missing out so I resent him for that.

He doesn't do much around the house - i'm lucky if he puts the dishwasher on or remembers to put the bins out on the right day. So that annoys me.

I went away for a couple of days just gone and came back to a house that stank of fags (we'd both agreed no smoking in the house) was a tip and the cats bowls were empty - water bone dry) Place falls apart if i'm not there.
When I got back one of the first things he said to me (before how are you, did you have fun) was we need to fix washing machine cos washing is piling up)

I don't think I love him and if i'm honest to myself I don't think I ever did. We both rebounded from relationships to each other then had a Missed MC so stayed together from that. Now DD is here it feels like I couldn't leave him for her sake. Plus we have a house (that won't sell in this climate) 2 cats etc etc.
Plus he's made it very clear that he would NOT be a weekend dad and would try for custody of any kid he had.

Now I don't know if i'm asking for a way to fix it or a way out.

I think I want to try and fix it incase I do love him but the anger is taking over. Problem is when he annoys me I say it in my head as I don't want DD to hear us arguing then it bites away at me over and over.

I think I need to be more forceful but don't know how. While I was away I saw my friend and her fiance interacting and you can see the love and respect between them - I don't see it with us.

If you've read this then well done for reading such a ridiculously long post. If you can help as well that would be brilliant.

notasheep Wed 16-Jul-08 22:14:15

"I dont think i love him and if im honest to myself i dont think i ever did"

You only know yourself.

I think your dp is just behaving like alot of men.Sorry not much help.

LuckySalem Wed 16-Jul-08 22:17:37

I know he probably is just the same as plenty of partners and I don't know why I can't deal with this period when many do.

mumblechum Wed 16-Jul-08 22:17:39

Hmm, has it always been this bad or just since you became parents? Reading over MN, it seems a lot of marriages go seriously downhill once the baby arrives, for an awful lot of people.

You say his response to your question was that it needs to be more physical. In your position, I'd make it more physical. Men's minds seem to work on the principal that if they're getting regular sex (say 3 times a week or so), they feel loved and more inclined to put effort into the relationship. Women are more inclined to have sex if they're feeling loved and that the man is pulling his weight.

Someone has to break the catch 22, and as the woman (and therefore the most emotionally intelligent smile, you should give it a go. Just shag the arse of him for a couple of weeks as an experiment and see if he starts being nicer.

Sounds like you don't have a lot to lose.

BTW, ignore the crap about him getting custody. It only happens in v. rare circs.

ilovemydog Wed 16-Jul-08 22:19:27

Are you kidding - DP doesn't even know when the bins are emptied! His idea of taking care of the kids (so I can go to toilet, wash face, change baby) is in front of the TV with them on sofa/bouncy chair/his tummy.

Without wishing to be sexist, your DP sounds like a typical bloke.

I have a friend who has a very nice DH who interacts with their DS. He changes nappies, he washes dishes, he cooks, he cleans. But he would really annoy me after about a day because he acts like a mother, if you know what I mean.

If you don't love him, then that's a different situation. If he just annoys you, well, he sounds like a normal male.

You didn't mention how old DD is?

LuckySalem Wed 16-Jul-08 22:21:18

It's not been this bad! I've always bit my tongue and felt he didn't pull his weight but since DD was born it has got worse.

Probably part to do with Sleep deprevation and the fact that i'm not working means he does even less cos he thinks its my job.

LuckySalem Wed 16-Jul-08 22:23:57

DD is 6 months

charliecat Wed 16-Jul-08 22:27:02

Hmm your baby is still very young and the lack of sleep and COMPLETE upheaval is very fresh.
What did you see in each other once upon a time?
What is the reaction when you remind him to put the bins out?
He does sound like your average lazy bugger bloke.

LuckySalem Wed 16-Jul-08 22:29:19

I don't know what the attraction was other than we'd both got out of a relationship and kinda went for the nearest... IYKWIM. DP always used to say he wanted to see what my boobs felt like (cos they're a fair size lol)

wannaBe Wed 16-Jul-08 22:30:14

LS I have known you for a while from ttc threads etc, and iirc you did put off ttc for a while because of issues with your dp? Did you ever resolve those issues at the time? and if so how did you do it? or did your desire for a baby take over your need to resolve your issues with your dp?

A lot of men just don't interact with babies in the same way women do (although a lot of women don't particularly love the baby stage either it has to be said) and don't feel able to really relate to them until they become a bit more interactive and responsive.

Not doing things around the house isn't really grounds for ending a relationship, although of course it is good grounds to become bloody frustrated. But if you feel you don't love your dp on the basis he doesn't empty the dishwasher, then you need to look at exactly why it is you feel so strongly about this.

When last did you go out as a couple without your dd? when last did you watch tv together? just sit on the couch and talk? go to bed together and have sex?

Relationships need time and effort. And now that you have your dd the dinamic of your relationship has changed, and if that relationship was already flawed then it is going to take work to deal with that.

charliecat Wed 16-Jul-08 22:30:29


Sobernow Wed 16-Jul-08 22:31:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuckySalem Wed 16-Jul-08 22:33:43

I don't think its that I don't love him cos he doesn't empty the dishwasher I think that I can't cope with him not emptying the dishwasher cos I don't love him - If that makes any sense. BUT as I said it may be that I love him completely but am having trouble finding that love cos he's so damn annoying.

I can't remember if we sorted it out or if DD just came before we had chance to be honest.

I think my problem is that he doesn't know how much he's peeing my off cos I can't tell him. I'd rather bite my tongue than argue with him

specialmagiclady Wed 16-Jul-08 22:38:47

SO know what you're going through - although my husband is one of those "like a mother" ones [and yes it can be annoying although I wouldn't swap for a "real man" type any day!]

I've learnt that for our marriage to survive we have to keep communicating. We've been going through a bad patch recently because of various external pressures (not least 2 x DS) and although it's horrible at first, you HAVE HAVE HAVE to talk about this with each other. In an adult way.

Worst thing you can do is bite your lip. You worded it very well in the first half of your OP. Could you say something like that.

Having kids is a TOTAL headfuck and you need to do a lot of readjusting. Sometimes it's hard to find the love through the resentment and exhaustion.

I totally know what you mean about not being touched in the evenings. I can't bear it.

You are totally normal, but to get through this he has to know how you feel and you have to agree a way to go forward that makes you BOTH happy.

(He may feel for example that you're so competent as a mum that he doesn't get a look in with DD so he backs off as he feels that he's going to cock up etc...)

Not making much sense but don't give up. This is just part of the readjustment process. You will reconnect as a couple in a while, but if you're not shagging, you have to keep talking talking talking (men hate this, but it needs to be done!)

Also, nothing wrong with arguing in front of children as long as you do it right... How else are they going to learn to solve problems?

LuckySalem Wed 16-Jul-08 22:40:52

Thanks... I always heard arguments in front of kids does bad things to their minds.... Plus we've never had an argument before. We both bite our lips.

Like tonight he's gone to bed in a huff cos I was on the computer (instead of him saying something)

VeniVidiVickiQV Wed 16-Jul-08 22:41:15

You both sound pretty lethargic about things, and you are feeding off of each other in that sense.

TBH, six months sounds about right for niggles after a baby is born. Lack of sleep, lack of intimacy, coming to terms with a significant change in the dynamics of your relationship, and it all comes to a head.

It's difficult to realise what each other does in a relationship and in the home sometimes. You can become so entrenched in what you are doing, and what you perceive your partner to not be doing, that it builds resentment.

One of the best things that I learned to do was to treat DH how I wished to be treated. Instead of snapping at him when something doesnt go the way I want, I'd go and give him a hug and talk to him about how I felt. Doing little things for him and conceding some things made him mirror that too and turned a negative spiral into a positive one. Doing things for DH makes me more happy than him doing nice things for me, although the thoughtful things he does are a fabulous bonus.

Same with sex - the less you have, the less you want. Sometimes, you need to push yourself to do something, and then you realise that actually, you quite enjoyed it. I really do think it's possible to grow to love someone more and more, as long as you are open to it in the first place.

LuckySalem Wed 16-Jul-08 22:43:11

Thanks Vendi... I know I should try. I've had issues with sex before so I have to REALLY be in the mood for it so it is really hard to get to it when I'm not IYKWIM. Also its really not sexy to have DD next to you wink grin lol.

Maybe we should try and sort out a "date" or something then

nancy75 Wed 16-Jul-08 22:44:54

i think lots of people with a very small baby go through these kinds of feelings, i know when my dd was about that age i had times when i hated my dp, everything he did was wrong, or not good enough and i would grit my teeth, mutter under my breath and consider pushing him down the stairs!

in truth being tired all the time does make you much more short tempered than a normal person.
most dads are back at work by the time baby is 6months, so their life is pretty much back to normal, whlie you are at home, not talking to other adults all day, tired and covered in poo/sick/both and sometimes they find it hard to understand why you are now a totally different (moany) person.

do you have anyone that could look after your dd for a few hours/a night so you could spend time together as a couple and address some of your problems?

LuckySalem Wed 16-Jul-08 22:46:56

Yeh she can stay with my mum but everytime I suggest something like that he says that we shouldn't keep shipping her off we should be a "family" but family means sitting in front of TV while I entertain DD.

VeniVidiVickiQV Wed 16-Jul-08 22:48:28

Oh, one of my pet peeves a long time ago after DD was born was DH wanting to get intimate when we went to bed. Now, whilst this might be normal for some folk, for me, when I finally do get into bed, I'm going there because I want to go to sleep and nothing else. Although cuddles are always nice.

We had a good few tiffs about that one. But eventually he realised that I wasnt saying NO fullstop. Just Not Now. So, we agreed that it'd be better to try such things earlier in the evening - say after children went to bed, or first thing in the morning or whatever. I also needed to realise that my rejection of his advances, whilst valid because I was tired, was a rejection all the same. So, I needed to make an effort to instigate things when I wasnt feeling tired.

So, compromising basically.

LuckySalem Wed 16-Jul-08 22:48:32

Maybe I should just arrange it anyway and go out?

Only thing is he works nights so it'd have to be on his days off (which is when i'm knacered) lol

nancy75 Wed 16-Jul-08 22:49:57

just do it, send her to your mum for the whole night and next day if you can, dont suggest it just do it.
when dd was little i felt awful shipping her off to my mum, but without some time to ourself dp and i would have split up (or he would be 6foot under the patiogrin)

LuckySalem Wed 16-Jul-08 22:50:05

Yeh I do reject him alot.... like he'll come for a hug - just as i'm about to make a bottle or something so say hang on but he gets moody and just walks off. So maybe he's feeling rejected.

VeniVidiVickiQV Wed 16-Jul-08 22:56:18

Could be. Stopping for just a second to do something for him is just one of the many little things that help reverse negative feelings smile

Nothing to stop you going and giving him a hug either.

In fact - he's gone to bed, yes?

What are you doing still down here????? grin

Go up and see him, tell him you'd like to take him out on a date.

LuckySalem Wed 16-Jul-08 22:57:49

He'll be asleep - Working last night.

I need to be able to talk to him without it becoming an argument but either I push his buttons or he pushes mine and I end up just saying ok and walking away.

There's lots of "little" things that bug me like the amount he sleeps (i'm probably jealous) the fact that he has no life (why should that bug me?)

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