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okay this should probably be an AIBU, but... impotence? (sorry if TMI)

(14 Posts)
willnamechangejustincase Wed 16-Jul-08 20:15:43

Was recently in a 6 month relationship. At first was totally besotted with very gorgeous and three year younger bf, and midst some fooling around announced that I'd like to wait a bit before having sex to make it special, to which I got a bit of a daft look and he said ok. Fair enough, he's a guy I thought.

We had also done a fair bit of random foreplay, including a lot of BJs, now I remember him going soft once or twice and me being very paranoid...

We started one night and half way through he just pulled out. We'd been teasing each other and when I said 'uh what the hell' he said he thought it would be funny. I didn't find it so funny but he did actually look pretty amused at himself. Discussed it with friends and decided to give him another chance as I did really like him but I really hadn't been impressed. About another month later we started again (I think I started it) and it was awkward to say the least. Whenever I started something that felt good or even comfortable he said it wasn't, and moved to something that wasn't for me (so I said nothing). He went soft halfway through and we stopped, then a little bit later started again and he finished. I had found the whole experience really awkward and was really doubting my performance, previous to this hadn't slept with anyone bar ex-h for years, and noone recently (Can you forget?? grin ) We discussed it and I reassured him how good it was etc etc and he seemed rather pleased with himself.

... And it never happened again. Every time I touched him it never went anywhere he never touched me and that would be it. Once I gave him head and he fell asleep shock honest to god I'm sure I wasn't that bad...

I tried everything from buying ann summers underwear to asking him which he'd like to suggesting we bought a book from ann summers and worked through it... he said yes to all but nothing. About 6 weeks later I was debating what to do, and was feeling really insecure. He'd told me he'd slept with another three people before (he's early 20s) which is less than I have blush so I figured maybe it was a tiny bit nerves. But I felt very unattractive and undesirable. And I brought it up and he told me I was being unreasonable and unfair and I felt worse.
That week he broke up with me citing that I was distant and was running cold on him, and he didn't need the stress as he had problems (which to be fair he did in other areas eg work) and pretty much that I wasn't worth it. I was devestated and spent the whole night crying down the phone to him begging ( shock never done that before ) and crying to my best friend and the next day he said he'd regretted it and took me back. I did wonder if he'd played me to see how I felt but anyways I was happy enough. Except for the last few months all I've done is looked at him and thought of that, it was so out of the blue I've never quite gotten over it.

Anyways, since then still no sex, and even less foreplay, and less dates so it was pretty much TV and sleep. I moved the week before he had dumped me so my days then involved over three hours of walking for work and I was knackered, and emotional as I had finally moved out of the house I was still living in with ex, and felt a bit lost. Brought it up again a few times and was told he was nervous and I was unfair so left it again.

Went on holiday with a friend, assessed the whole thing and decided to end it. Came back and he picked us up from the airport and we got back at 3.30am... he woke me up at 6.30am wanting it. Now I should have jumped at it sure... but I had spent 4 hours on a plane with stroppy children and was exhausted so I said I'd come on. A few days later I split up from him, citing lack of sex as main reason, amongst a few others.

Now since when talking I asked him if I just hadn't done it for him, and after a lot of nagging and things he admitted that he has a problem (he didn't say impotence... he says he gets nervous and goes soft... that's the same thing isn't it) and he had gone to see a counsellor about it (he'd told me he was elsewhere). This finally all made sense I have NEVER known anyone with it before else I should have picked up on it earlier I can't believe I was that naive. Anyways, after much talking, it came out that he didn't trust me to tell me when we first had sex (shouldn't you trust someone you are sleeping with??????) and was never planning on telling me. Now I can see it is embarrassing but he knew it was affecting me and just let it carry on. Telling me I was being unreasonable wanting it.

He lied about the people he had slept with (I was only the second time shock ) and a number of other related things.

Now I feel totally betrayed. I know it's probably stupid, but he lied to me which I hate, and didn't trust me enough to tell me - but he trusted me to use contraception??? and I trusted him to meet and care for my kids????

Am I thoroughly unreasonable???

There's bits I have missed but I'm so wound up. And what to his actual problem - I know nothing about it.

Sameheretoo Wed 16-Jul-08 20:22:20

Impotence can be very, very hard for men to deal with. It is very common for men to avoid sex rather than put themselves in a situation where things can go "wrong".

Speaking from experience, it can be a long road to resolving this kind of issue and can only really be done if the female partner is 100% supportive. If you feel resentful about things at this stage then you may well not be able to help him so perhaps ending things was better.

I realise you feel upset at being lied to, but it must be very, very hard for him to deal with. He probably feels extremely humiliated so please don't take out your anger on him.

willnamechangejustincase Wed 16-Jul-08 20:31:34

The thing is, his problem isn't a problem. If anythind I'd have viewed it as a challenge/chance to get closer/excuse for a LOT of sex in the name of experience. It would never have bothered me, it's the lying and making me feel like it was my problem and knowing all along how it was making me feel.

Sameheretoo Wed 16-Jul-08 20:34:51

But it is a problem to him. It's obviously a really big issue to him, and one he didn't feel comfortable discussing, for whatever reason. Maybe he thought if he didn't confront it it could go away.

I think you are taking this too personally. He has a medical condition - you can either accept that at face value and try to support him, or you can turn it into a reason to be mad at him.

The bottom line is, it's not actually about you - you need to stop thinking that it's somehow got something to do with how attractive he finds you. It as nothing to do with that.

Sameheretoo Wed 16-Jul-08 20:38:45

Viewing it as a challenge or an excuse for a LOT of sex is not realistic at all. You'd be far better off reading about the condition, discussing the possible causes and supporting him in seeing his GP or continuing with his counselling.

willnamechangejustincase Wed 16-Jul-08 21:29:36

No no no I have phrased it wrong in the middle of my total outburst blush

I would have done all that, and more, to help him. Which I have told him. I really did care for him.

I am not viewing it personally. My issue like I said is not the problem. Just that he let me believe I was the problem for so long... he led me to believe my attractiveness, or my 'performance' or whatnot was the reason. And only when I fell apart and ended it feeling the most insecure I have ever felt did I manage to get it out of him. I'm not mad at him for not having had sex, or his problem, or anything. Just the way I felt he could have saved so much upset, and fighting, instead of actively encouraging me to believe it was all me.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 16-Jul-08 21:55:09

namechanger - I think you are justified in being upset. To let you feel shit about yourself because he can't face telling you about his issue is really unfair. It's sad that he couldn't tell you but it's his problem to deal with, especially if he won't trust you to open up.

theexmrsfederer Wed 16-Jul-08 22:12:52

I agree with kat

TheRealPhartiphukborlz Wed 16-Jul-08 22:17:35

i think you are being unreasonable. it is a problem for him, and a big, embarrassing one.
do you want to get back with him ?

BalloonSlayer Thu 17-Jul-08 17:58:19

Maybe it is a bit unreasonable, but I'd feel just the same as you.

I had a bf years ago who had, shall we say, a bit of a PE problem. Well, I hear you cry, what bloke doesn't from time to time?

But the thing was it was every time, and he wouldn't let on he'd come, I would just feel less and less and suddenly realise that it was all over for him and thus, for me, as he couldn't get it up again for hours.

I just couldn't really tell him how much this upset me. It wasn't just that there was little enjoyment for me - I was used enough to that at that point in my life grin. It was the not letting on he was having an orgasm I found really - ugh! - and I still do. It just killed the relationship for me, really.

And I guess if you are unreasonable, so was I. Perhaps I should have sensitively realised there was a problem, that he was too embarrassed to let me know, and was hoping I wouldn't notice. But actually, we were in a relationship, we were supposed to love each other, and trust each other. Why the feck was I supposed to a) work out what his sexual problems were b) solve them and c) do all this without denting his oh-so-precious male ego.

If he had only said "God I am sorry that keeps happening, I wish there was something I could do," I would have been keen to help. Instead I went off sex as I found it pleasureless and embarrassing and had to endure all the rows about "why don't you want it any more," which turned in to the understanding: "well we can always do other things," which translated into: "you can give me a blow job instead."

I broke up with him after some angst, then found my lovely DH.

Sorry to go on about myself, but I wanted to share my experience and let you know that I don't think you are being unreasonable, there is only so much you can do when someone else will not discuss the problem.

TheRealPhartiphukborlz Thu 17-Jul-08 21:45:23

good points slayer

JessJess3908 Thu 17-Jul-08 21:57:22

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel upset & hurt - but i can understand why he lied, he must have been very embarassed and afraid you'd run off laughing.

I'd compare it to trying to start a new relationship while you're suffering from a recurrant bout of thrush (somehting which of course has never happened to me blush). In that very hypothetical situation, I would have told every lie I could to avoid telling new DP the real reason why sex wasn't quite working for me....

I'd say it was quite gutsy for him to come clean eventually - expecaiily after you've broken up as he's really got nothing to gain by admitting it to you by then. Perhaps it proves he is learning to confront the problem and let you in???

Balloonsayer - Yuk!

Trebuchet Thu 17-Jul-08 22:03:17

YANBU he let you think it was you not doing it for him and let you wear yourself into the ground making yourself more attractive.

Ask yourself, can I cope with the next 40 years of potentially no sex? If yes, then fine.

If no, then walk away. Face it, he hasn't treated you so utterly amazingly that he's worth the endless support and patience neccessary. Sorry if this sounds harsh, and if he really is a great guy, but I've been there in the past and I know how soul destroying it can be.

prettyfly1 Thu 17-Jul-08 22:33:02

i can kind of see why he would be so embarrassed but more then anything else he comes off as a little bit young and very insecure. letting you think it was your fault was horrible - did he really do that or did you do the very female thing of deciding it must be your fault and trying to change. you sound like a lovely person who would have supported him but a little bit worryingly close to letting him takeover (the crying and begging thing being the main reason). it sounds like sex is really important to you as is trust - both of which have been damaged very early into your relationship. It would take a lot to put that back on track and it doesnt necessarily sound like he is prepared to do the work to do that even if you are. perhaps best to cut your losses ont his one - easier said tehn done i know but its not a good start is it?

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