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same old story - he's messed it all up...how do we get back on track?

(4 Posts)
catnapping Wed 16-Jul-08 20:06:40

I have name changed as i am trying to keep this situation private in RL.
My DH was unfaithful to me. It was mainly texting, emailing and flirting i don't think they ever slept together, but in my eyes he has still betrayed me...he talked about our relationship to her, slagged me off basically, she did the same about he boyfriend.
I confronted him about this on several occasions over the course of about 4 months, his response was to deny it, call me mad / paranoid / depressed / needing help...the ususal things men do when they are guilty...she was just 'one of the lads'....apparantly. it wasn't until easter this year when i found an email from him to her declaring she meant so much to him and always would, that he finally came clean and admitted he had let his feelings run away with him, it was a friendship that had got out of hand and that yes he'd been a w*nker. I realise it could have been much much worse, but i still feel betrayed, not so much by what he has done with her, but the deceit, betrayal and the downright nastiness of his behaviour towards me during this time, particularly as i suffered a miscarriage around the same time.
We are 4 months on from that and i don't feel like I can move on. I am trying to forgive him (although still feel incredibly angry sometimes), but i just cannot forget. We had a good relationship before, i felt we were a good team and he was a good husband and father. Now sometimes I look at him and all I can see is a lying deceitful cheat. I thought time would heal things, but i still feel as angry now as I did 4 months ago. He still works with this woman (although not closely) and swears he has nothing to do with her anymore, unless absolutely necessary. I have asked him to find another job, but this is difficult financially. We spoke about it again today and he says he would look for another job if that's what i really want but it would put a strain on things and to be honest I am not sure it would change how I feel. I have thought about councilling but not sure what it involves and whether it would just make things worse. I am not sure what I expect anyone to say really, I just want things how they were, but has that gone forever? It just makes me cry to think it's all so f*cked up.

NumberJill Wed 16-Jul-08 20:07:51

go to Relate. If you can't forgive him, you can't live with him, and Relate will help you to decide whether you can forgive him.

littlewoman Wed 16-Jul-08 23:11:05

Hi Catnapping, I felt so hurt and humiliated when this happened to me. I chose to chuck him out and get a divorce instead. I think, however, it is probably as hard to live without them once this happens as it is to stay with them.

Both situations have their difficulties, both have their benefits.

How is his behaviour towards you? Does he seem sorry, and is he trying to make amends? If he is generally trying to make up for things, he may agree to go to Relate with you. Counselling is excellent in helping you to work out your own feelings about things and your way forward.

You may not want to go to counselling with him, as you are at the moment. Perhaps your doctor could help organise some just for you, aso you can work out your own feelings, if so.

I do sympathise with you. It's a minefield of negative emotions, but you can get over it. Ladies on here definitely have. Please think about counselling, it can really help.

Wishing you happier times ahead.

catnapping Fri 18-Jul-08 09:36:49

littlewoman - he is taking the ususal mans stance and saying lets try and look forwards not back, try and build things back up, he wants to get us back on track. When i try and talk about things he doesn't see that theres anymore more to say. When i brought it up again a couple of days ago, he says he thinks I am over reacting and things could have been much worse...i said to him a that i realised that, but was i supposed to grateful!!!! He doesn't seem to see it as seriously as I do and thinks that by now I should have been able to put it behind me. I wouldn't say that he isn't trying to be understanding, but I think he just is totally unable to see it from my perspective. I guess really he is trying to avoid the subject and make it seem trivial, so i feel i am upset over nothing. I can't see how councelling and digging over everything would help...but then I have no experience of it.

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