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post affair confusion

(47 Posts)
anothermum92 Sun 13-Jul-08 08:37:57

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ShortandSweet Sun 13-Jul-08 08:45:30

Anothermun sorry you are going through this. Just want to send {hugs} as I have no great advice.

I do have to laugh at these people that say the men are depressed when they up and leave there family. What about the women who stay and care for there children and keep family life going as naturly as possible. I see time and time again on threads 'Dr or relate think H is depressed' Well my hat goes off to all you women who go through this.

HappyWoman Sun 13-Jul-08 08:56:50

So sorry you are going through this - has he said he is still with ow? or is he still dithering between you both?

I think although it will be hard you must get some legal advise as soon as you can - just to protect you and dcs.
I think too it will make you feel a lot stronger - and will be a way to show him that you are not prepared to put up with his treatment of you. Just because you start divorce proceeding does not mean it is the end.

also - please be sure what you want wrt to them working together - if he wants back it is not unreasonable for you to demand that (and in my experince has to be done)

anothermum92 Sun 13-Jul-08 09:25:04

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HappyWoman Sun 13-Jul-08 12:17:17

Completely understand about the unwell bit too.
Men really are very weak - but if you can let him come out of it himself - let him seek medical help and try not to nag him to doing it. I think sometimes them having to actually make a big decission is what makes them scared.

WRT to the finances - i too was like you but believe me when i say it will be the best thing you do to make sure you will always be looked after.

Good luck

anothermum92 Sun 13-Jul-08 14:24:46

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HappyWoman Tue 15-Jul-08 09:25:13

Well i did go and see a very solicitor who said that just because you start divorce proceedings does not mean it has to go through - i believe there are a lot of forms to sign anyway!!

It really was the kick up the backside my h needed - he was all for it (in fact he pushed for me to get the ball rolling in the first place). He even started corresponding with my solicitor - but after just a week of this - he had a massive change of heart and then the begging began - and that was when the real depression started as he was no longer in control. For the first time in his life he could not have what he wanted on his terms - it was a real shock for him and made him grow up a bit i think hmm.

Anyway what i mean is even if you do have to start down that road you can dictate the pace you want to go more - yes he can stall it and my bet is he will but you will be in more control and that really is a good feeling.
I would never again be frightened of seeking advice early on as it helps you sort out what you need.

Good luck with finding the right one for you.

anothermum92 Tue 15-Jul-08 22:14:36

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Hobnobfanatic Tue 15-Jul-08 22:29:28

I was in a similar position. Reading self-help books about coping after an affair helped to focus my mind on what I wanted and to get my thoughts straight. Only then could I make decisions.

If in doubt, do nowt.

Have a browse on Amazon in the meantime.

Good luck. I'm four years on from it all now, but still remember the terrible anguish and pain. It was a living nightmare - but it will get better.

Big hugs!

maturer Tue 15-Jul-08 22:38:36

"After the Affair" by Julia Cole...in the Relate series...I found it helpful about 5 years ago and we are still together.Everyone has a slightly different story to tell but the book covered many senarios.

maturer Tue 15-Jul-08 22:38:37

"After the Affair" by Julia Cole...in the Relate series...I found it helpful about 5 years ago and we are still together.Everyone has a slightly different story to tell but the book covered many senarios.

anothermum92 Wed 16-Jul-08 18:05:39

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stirlingmum Thu 17-Jul-08 23:35:16

Hi AM92 - Hope you are ok.

I have just come back from hols and read this.
I totally understand where you are. It is confusing. You think that you want your h back but when it comes to it, and he want to come back, you think, whoa! Is this what I want? After all he has put me through?

Also, the depression - My h is like this. He is totally depressed and feeling sorry for himself. He says he can't look at me without feeling enormous guilt and shame. But that doesn't help me.
He has trouble showing any affection.

I believe their depression is just reality setting in and the understanding of the damage and hurt they have caused.

This truly is an awful place to be. Not knowing whether it is all over or whether there is any hope.

I agree with others that legal advice should be taken (although I haven't yet).

On another level - think what is best for you. Will you trust him again? Could you get ow out of his life?

Take care of yourself x

HappyWoman Fri 18-Jul-08 09:10:56

well for me the seeing the solicitor was what made me feel lot stronger. I too read lots of books and certainly made a lot of plans for me. Tried to work out what i wanted - but until you are sure if they are going to still be in your life it is hard.

Just getting the information from a solicitor made me feel more secure - i did have a great one though who actually suggested a very very slow approach as he always felt that the quick divorce just caused more trouble. What he did say was though to at least start the seperation agreement as it could have implications with money later on, and i certainly felt i was getting protection (although i was pretty certain my h would never be mean on money - but then he had done a lot of things out of character).sad.

Talking to my h now he says that the fact that i gone to see a solicitor actually made him respect me more in some ways - he knew it was heartbreaking for me and that it really was the last thing i ever wanted but at least i was not going to let him get the divorce he wanted - i took some control.

But like i said it didnt get very far - my h felt he had to finally make his mind up or he would lose all control over the way his life was going. So he went from feeling he could have it all to feeling everything slipping away from him.

The depression too is just the awful reality of what has happened - Stirling has your h got some help for that? It is not nice seeing someone continually beating themselves up either. We have now found a way to be able to talk about it without him feeling so guilty (just enough for me to feel ok) and me not to make him feel guilty either.
Sometimes it is me that has to tell him to stop bringing it up hmm.

Good luck to all going through this truely terribel experience.

stirlingmum Fri 18-Jul-08 15:09:38

Hi HW hope you are well.
No, h hasn't got any help yet. He seems afraid to. But I have started getting tough and told him he can only carry on living with us if he gets help.
We should get chance to talk a bit more about it this weekend.

anothermum92 Sat 26-Jul-08 21:53:53

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stirlingmum Sun 27-Jul-08 15:15:46

Hi AM92, well done on the holiday. You sound stronger and able to see things a bit clearer now.
Maybe the answer is taking things slowly and meeting your h as friends and maybe dating again and seeing how you feel about this person now (I say that because this new h is different to the one that you thought you knew).
My h has sunk so low in his depression. We have been on holiday but it felt like it was just for the dc. He has said some weird things lately (I dont love you and never will; I dont want to be your husband anymore) but then when I mention these things a day later he will say he doesn't know why he said such things.
First and foremost, I want him to get help but he is afraid of this. He is afraid of talking it through.
He is supposed to be leaving for a week today to stay at his sisters house. She lives on her own and will give him space to think. I just want him to come home with some answers. It makes me sound too soft but I have told him we can try again but he doesnt believe it can work because of the damage he has caused.
I am also worried that he is just saying this and really still has feelings for the ow and may be moving more in that direction.
Either way, I hopefully shall know whether I will be single soon or not. I have told him if we are splitting and we need to tell the kids then I want them told in the summer hols as it gives them a bit of time to get used to it before going back to school.
Oh, for a crystal ball!!

anothermum92 Sun 27-Jul-08 17:19:22

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stirlingmum Sun 27-Jul-08 17:52:44

Yes, the keep fit keeps me going I think. Gives me a bit of self confidence back, and of course, it is something just for me.

Yes, I know the ow is still on the scene in that they talk/communicate through mails. I dont think that they meet (she is in Hungary), even when he is out there but obviously I cant be 100%.

He has just left for the week - maybe he will see things a little clearer on his return. I dont feel too positive about the outcome though.

Hope you have a better week x

anothermum92 Sun 27-Jul-08 18:02:07

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mistressmiggins Sun 27-Jul-08 19:20:02

I have 2 books that I bought when I found out my exH was having an affair.
Didnt work for us & I kicked him out 8 weeks later.

I have 2 books in my recycle pile which you are welcome to for free if you want them.
CAT me

"After the Affair" Julia Cole
"Surviving an affair"

anothermum92 Sun 27-Jul-08 19:41:38

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time4tea Mon 28-Jul-08 15:12:43

not much experience to add, other than depression, anothermum you might try to encourage your H to see his own GP, if it is genuine depression then he could get some help, regain some of his health and some rational perspective.

having been a solicitor myself (not with family law) I know a good solicitor will outline your various options (one of which is usually "do nothing" until you feel ready to do something) but talking to someone who has seen it all and knows what the process is and how people cope (esp financially) is really useful.

good luck to you anothermum. put you and your children first, if you are ok you'll be in a better space to support the family as a whole (my best friend got divorced from her horrible ex, but still has to maintain contact with him as he is her children's dad, even after the divorce is still a part of her life... worth bearing in mind...)

HappyWoman Mon 28-Jul-08 15:34:06

Sorry i think the depression is a sign of not being able to make the decision. It may be the first time these men have really had to actually think about what all this means.

My h seemed depressed - did go to gp and he agreed but it was really all down to the fact that he had lost control of what was going to happen. He says he was 'scared' of losing everything - if he commited to me then i rejected him so would the ow iyswim so rather than give up ow (after all he already knows that she will 'accept' him still seeing his wife hmm) it becomes easier to tell both woman what he thinks they want to hear - his wife that ow is off the scence and ow that he is working on leaving wife!!
Wife is at a disadvantage in that if she is horrid to h then he goes running to ow for comfort whereas is ow is horrid he can hardly go to wife for support instead he tries to make it up to ow by saying it is just a matter of timing (therby giving himself a bit more time) and then the spiral begins.
Stick to your own gut insticts and dont worry what others will think - you have to live with your choice at the end of the day.
BUT do make sure you do not let him take advantage as you will forever hate yourself for it (believe me i have been there).

Good luck though

nooka Mon 28-Jul-08 15:39:14

I found visiting a solicitor very useful, just to know where I stood, but I didn't do it until three years after the affair, so don't beat yourself up about doing anything quickly! The thing that helped me the most was having some counseling (on my own) because it made me feel stronger and allowed me to let go of some demons of my own from long ago.

I think that my dh was also depressed, certainly he did a lot of "I'm not good enough" stuff, and he also (in the early days) grieved over his affair - she broke up with him the second he told her I knew about it.

dh took about a year to decide what he wanted to do (I reused to throw him out, because I wanted it to be him that left IYSWIM) and then felt he couldn't cope with the rows (this was just after I learnt to let it all out!). Once he moved out we started to get on much better, I think because we were making a positive effort to see each other.

Two years later we are back together, and things are good (better than before the affair in truth).

You are in the very early days. Take it easy on yourself, don't rush into anything and most importantly take whatever support is offered by friends or family.

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