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when he wont marry

(60 Posts)
wishing1 Sun 13-Jul-08 02:48:45

My guy and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. We have lived together for 2. When we were together the first 1 1/2 years he talked about getting married and having a child, we are both older, he is 41 and I am 40 just turned 40 last week last year he told me that he never wants to marry anyone, that too many of his friends are getting divorced and he just doesn't want to ever take the chance and he does not want children, they take too much time and responsibility. I want to be married not date someone for life. I am also 40 and really want to have a child, it is hard that I must leave because there is no changing his mind, we have argued and talked this entire year about it and I cannot give another 4 years as I think I will be missing out on maybe meeting Mr. Right and having a child, I don't have too many biologic years left and I am angry that he wasted 4 of them...it's hard to leave when you live with someone, I need some strength to make up my mind and get out....help, any advice appreciated.

avenanap Sun 13-Jul-08 03:04:05

You don't really want the same things though do you? If this was a friend asking you for advice, what would you tell them?

don't see it as a waste. You have found out what you want from your life, you have been given some precious memories. Your life wants to go in a direction that is not the same as his. It's making you miserable because you can see this and you are too afraid to do anything. You should be brave. You know what you need to do. There's a life out there for you, go and find it and grab hold before it passes you by. XX

wishing1 Sun 13-Jul-08 03:25:55

Thank you so much, I needed to hear it, it's hard ending relationships and for the past 2 years I have watched most of our dating friends get married,engaged, and have babies, it's been depressing and he tells me to stop wanting what everyone else wants, duhhhh!!

ninedragons Sun 13-Jul-08 05:03:12

You don't want "what everyone else wants". This is not an It handbag we are talking about. You want what you want.

There is no future in this relationship and you will loathe him by the time you're 50 if he denied you your last crack at fulfilling a crucial part of your life plan.

CoteDAzur Sun 13-Jul-08 07:57:43

In your place, I would immediately go and have some eggs frozen, regardless of whether or not you leave him.

Then leave if insists that he does not want any more children.

If he really wants to be with you, he might come around. If he doesn't, with your eggs frozen, you will have the time to fall in love again.

Good luck. It can't be easy, but you know it's for the best.

CoteDAzur Sun 13-Jul-08 07:58:23

any more children, rather.

wishing1 Sun 13-Jul-08 17:06:53

CoteDAzur:

Thanks for the advice. Eggs frozen sounds like a good idea, I have checked into it recently. I will loathe him if I loose the chance to have a child because I stay with him and he doesn't want the same things. He makes me feel bad when I tell him that I'm looking for an apartment because we want different things but why should I feel bad when he is denying me what I want without consideration.
Thanks

itati Sun 13-Jul-08 17:08:13

What do you want more, him or children?

crokky Sun 13-Jul-08 17:24:19

Tell him very seriously that it is a deal breaker if he does not want kids and you do. Ask him to think about it and give you an answer (within a few days). Go through with the threat of leaving if you do really want such different things.

girlnextdoor Sun 13-Jul-08 17:30:55

You may find that once you start detaching yourself from the relationship, and building up a life without him, that he comes running.

That's what Happened to me. A bit of jealousy worked wonders.

Hecate Sun 13-Jul-08 18:08:21

Imagine yourself in 20 or 30 years. When you look back on your life, will you be happy with it?

tbh, he has told you that he does not want to marry or have kids, He has not tried to deceive you. If you choose to stay with him and you never have children, that is not his fault - it will be the result of your choice and not something you can blame him for.

If you cannot bear the thought of a life lived without children, then hard as it is, you are going to have to go in search of that life. If that means leaving him behind, so be it. You just have to decide what matters more to you. Being with him, or trying to have children? With the best will in the world, at 40 you do not have many years to hang around hoping he will change his mind.

I feel very sorry for you, it must be a very painful situation. It is not a choice I would want to have to make.

ihatebikerides Sun 13-Jul-08 18:45:55

I was in your position, the difference being that I was just over 30, and he was 40+. However, at the time, it seemed my biological clock was running out of time, although I see now there would have been a few more years to run. I really thought that he ticked all my boxes, and imagined a rosy future with him as father to my kids.
Fast forward 15 years....... I cannot tell you how GLAD I am that I got out of that relationship. He was NEVER going to commit to me, EVER, and it took me nearly 4 years to realise. It was hard to leave at the time, but I ended up (in a relatively short space of time) with someone who was SO much better in every way and who really wanted me and children together. I look back and shudder when I think of what might have been. At the very best, if we had have had children together, I would always have felt I'd pressured him into it.
Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't 100% want to marry you? There's something better waiting for you. Don't sell yourself short.

girlnextdoor Sun 13-Jul-08 19:14:03

Just another thought- HOW much do you want children? Why do you want marriage? Is it the commitment factor- or the status or security?

If you can answer that, it might help you decide what to do.

I hate to say this, but your chances of getting pregnant at 40 are quite low anyway- yes, (I hear the chorus!!) many women do conceive at 40+, BUT statistically you are much less likely to.

There is no guarantee either that even if this man said "Yes" to all you want, that a baby would appear- he might be infertile, or you too. No partner comes with a 100% guarantee of their baby-producing power- though admittedly, not wanting them is rather a hindrance.

How much do you want HIM? Are you wanting a partner, or a baby? Yes, I know you will say "Both", but if you only had to choose 1, which would it be?

What if you met Mr Right and he knew he was infertile? Would you leave him?

I have heard the argument he puts forward many time "Too many of my friends are divorced" etc etc- imo, this is a cop-out. men often say this, then 6 months later they have a whirlwind romance and whoosh- down the aisle they go. Maybe it's just you and him who aren't "right"?

I believe- maybe naively- that if a man really loves a woman and feels he will lose her, he will marry her, if being married is what she really wants.

I still stick with my previous post- emotionally, you have to accept he may never give you what you are asking for- but until you make the break, you will never be able to test his feelings for you.

Acinonyx Sun 13-Jul-08 19:24:09

It's different if a man can't have children to just saying no they don't want to. I married dh at 35 knowing that we would need IVF for male factor and might never have children. But we agreed on a plan of action - and that is very different from just saying no. I was prepared to take my chances but I don't think I would have accepted a plain 'no'. Things were more complicated than anticipated and I had dd at 43. We very, very nearly didn't have a child.

Acinonyx Sun 13-Jul-08 19:25:53

Incidentally - dh has been married twice before. Divorce is scary - but you can't live your life in fear. You can't always be stanidng on the sidelines looking at the game - you have to take a few risks and play.

skidoodle Sun 13-Jul-08 19:27:26

but he did deceive her...

When they were first together he talked about getting married and having children one day and then changed his mind unilaterally.

He let her think he was offering her a certain kind of future when he wasn't.

He's what my Granny would call a "time waster".

You know you need to leave and you shouldn't feel remotely bad about that. Toying with someone else's desire and ability to have children as he has done with you is a rotten, rotten way to behave. How dare he accuse you of just wanting what everyone else wants?

He's known all along what you wanted and pretended he was going to give it to you until he thought it was too late for you to make other arrangements.

What an utter, utter shit. Leave him for the chance of meeting someone who loves you enough to try for all the things you would like your future to be.

girlnextdoor Sun 13-Jul-08 19:28:06

Yes, yes, acin, i know that- what I was trying to get the OP to do was to think about how much she really wanted children and if she was prepared to compromise on that, given that it might be the right man, but he won't give her children.

If he would marry her, but still not want children, would that be enough for her?

I was making those points about infertility etc to try to get her to see whether it was a) a baby she wanted, orb) marriage or c) both- and if he would go as far as to offer one but not the other, which would she accept.

nkf Sun 13-Jul-08 19:35:17

If you want to take a chance on having a baby, you have to leave him. There are no guarantees but as you say you've already spent a lot of time in this relationship.
Why didn't you have babies earlier? When you first met? Good luck.

CoteDAzur Sun 13-Jul-08 19:37:34

It is not reasonable to ask a woman to choose between a man and the natural instinct of having children.

If she loves him enough, she might choose him. For now. Even in the best case scenario of them staying together all their lives, when the intensity of her love fades, she will surely wish she had chosen to have children with someone else instead of staying with him.

nkf Sun 13-Jul-08 19:41:59

If you want a baby and to be married to that baby's father, you have to move fast. I'm sorry but you do need to consider your age.

girlnextdoor Sun 13-Jul-08 19:43:18

Don't agree Cote- I know of couples who feel differently about kids, and they compromised- the one who wanted them was not DESPERATE to have them and chose to go ahead anyway. Reasonable is not the issue at all.

zippitippitoes Sun 13-Jul-08 19:46:55

but there isnt a compromise between having kids and not having them is there

and you havent much time to meet someone and have chilkdren in

it is very harsh but time is against you especiallyt as you presumably dont know anything about your potential fertility

i think you would have to be very focussed to find aq fertile and willing partner who was prepared to have children very early in the relationship

that is abig challenge

nkf Sun 13-Jul-08 19:47:29

But not undoable, Sippitippitoes.

zippitippitoes Sun 13-Jul-08 19:48:50

no but you would hasve to be very upfront with potential partners

my exdp left me to do exactly this at 40

nkf Sun 13-Jul-08 19:49:30

What happened Zippitippitoes?

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