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What really is best for the children?

(7 Posts)
ticktock Sat 12-Jul-08 23:34:57

This is a bit of a long story so thanks to anyone who gets to the end.
I have been with my dp for about 5 years. When I met him I had a ds of 6mths. I ended a relationship with ds's father before he was born as he was mentally abusive, controlling and manipulative. I still had some contact with him afterwards because I felt that my ds should know his father. By the time ds was one he disappeared (he is not English) and now has no contact with us (his choice not mine). That time (one year) was enough that that my friends, family and dp got a very clear picture of what he was like.
When I met my dp I did not immediately find him attractive, but he grew on me and I genuinely fell in love with him. We moved in together and had our beatiful dd 2 years ago.
However we had to have IVF as dp was infertile and it was a very difficult time. I think that it was then that I started to feel that I could not really communicate my real feelings to dp and have them understood. He was supportive as far as he was able, and tried his best but was completely unable to understand my feelings or even to articulate empathy or sympathy. In fact the only two things he ever said about the IVF other than practical matters of where and when were "we can't just keep throwing money away" and "we can't let it ruin our lives" . Since then things have just gone from bad to worse. I don't love him. I am fond of him but would probably be more fond of him if I didn't have to live with him. I do not find him in the slightest bit attractive and our sex life is non-existant. We were in our late 30's when we got together and I have had plenty of experience and tried to make our sex life interesting. Dp is someone who would like to do it every night in exactly the same position with the lights off and absolutely no eye contact. And certainly no removing of one anothers clothing.
The biggest problem is that I just have nothing to say to him. We can discuss the practicalities of life fine, but when it comes down to intimacies or even just having a laugh we are just on different wavelengths. Socially he is not exactly a liability but more of a dead wieght - he likes turning up to events but then has nothing much to say to anyone. This sounds horrible, but he is basically very very dull.
I keep re-reading this and raelise that I sound incredibly nasty. I'm really not. I believe that I fell for someone who could provide a family at a time when security, family and stability was what I wanted, and I was still in a very emotional state from experiences with my ex and having my ds. I am not making excuses, the mistakes were mine and only mine and I do not think that others should have to pay for them. My ds now calls dp "dad" (he knows all about his real dad, there is no dishonesty, and he only started to do call him that in the last 18 months or so).
The question really is , irrespective of my own feelings, what is best for my ds - who has already lost one dad - and my dd? Dp and I are not in conflict. We do not argue. It is more of a state of indifference. We rub along ok but there is no real affection.
I do not think that my dp will leave as he has been married and divorced twice before and thinks that a third failure would really be too much. Obviously I may be wrong.
From my own perspective I feel strongly that I have made the mistakes here and done so when old enough to know better. I know that there is bound to be an effect on my beautiful and innocent children, but what is the best thing to do to minimise such an impact?
Is it better for children to be brought up in this family or not? I simply do not know the answer and would appreciate any thoughts.
Thanks for reading this far

sfxmum Sat 12-Jul-08 23:52:40

oh ticktock I am not sure I can give any useful advice but can sympathize.
I often wonder what is it that makes people stick together and what is indeed best for the children, honestly I think people can be good parents while apart they can share responsibility and when properly mature can differentiate being someone's partner and someone's parent.
life is short and while I am no rosy eyed romantic I think it is necessary to be real and truthful to oneself.
having someone with whom you share more than children is important otherwise what is the point of the extra 'burden' sorry to be blunt

ticktock Sat 12-Jul-08 23:58:38

Thanks sfxmum. Your answer has brought tears to my eyes because I have never told anyone about this before. I am thinking about what you said. Thanks

sfxmum Sun 13-Jul-08 00:09:07

huge hug to you

it is never easy I think much less when children are involved.
recently I had a health scare (am fine)and honestly all this life is short business became pertinent. yes we need to care for the children yes we need to provide as stable an environment as possible but our 'souls' need nurturing too

I really feel for you regarding the IVF and frankly
it is so hard all those hormones flooding through all those emotions so raw

dh gets me and I could take no less

ticktock Sun 13-Jul-08 00:21:08

dp doesn't get me at all, and I didn't realise it for various reasons. You are right that it is so important. But dc's are more important......I just don't know.

sfxmum Sun 13-Jul-08 00:31:04

I think that if all else works it is worth trying counselling and talking through problems , worries needs etc.

I thin you are right once you have kids it s important to think of them and their needs, but a close relative has been in a very difficult relationship for years,the children are now teens and they are on the brink of separation, one of them told me they wished it was over so they could move on because it as been just so stressful

only you can know and I wish you wisdom and strenght

overthehill Sun 13-Jul-08 00:45:10

Ticktock, does dh realise you're unhappy? What about going to Relate, either alone or (preferably, though perhaps not at first) with him? If you loved him once there may still be hope for that to be rekindled, although I hear what you're saying and you've obviously been through a lot. If he's had two failed relationships I'm sure you're right in that he wouldn't want the same thing to happen again, and it would seem a good idea for a counsellor to try and pinpoint why this keeps happening & if there's any way of rescuing the situation for you and your family.

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