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Please help!

(53 Posts)
Daisypops Sat 12-Jul-08 23:17:37

I just want some advice. Looked at my DP's phone a few weeks ago and a woman had text him. It said 'Glad tobe back in my nice warm house' then something else thatI didn't getchance to read but the text had a fair few kisses at the end. DP caught me looking at his phone and his face was like he'd just poo'd himself. He said he knew her years ago fromwork and shes just started texting him out of the blue. I asked if i could see his phone again and he would't let me.
Then tonight he was at his pc, he had MSN minimised, but I saw the same girls name (and another) with lovehears at the side of them. I asked him about it and he said there were loads of people on there from years ago, but these names were at the top of the list (does that mean hes chatted to them recently?) Hesaid there were blocked which they were.

I've got back from my friends and hes gone about, not answering his phone and has trimmed his man hair in the bathroom coz its all over the floor.

I just don't know what to do. My mum is sleeping and I have no one else to talk to.

I can't prove hes actually doing anything but text and MSN is bad enough for me.

I don't trust him 100% hence why I was looking at his phone. I'm just heartbroken that he could do this to me.

I feel sick and can't sleep. I'm angry, sad, feel stupid.

Please someone give me some advice.


thumbwitch Sat 12-Jul-08 23:22:24

argh, poor you, what a dilemma! do you not trust him because he has done something before?

tbh, it doesn't look good but there might be an innocent explanation - OTOH, I have been with someone who strung me along for 6m with "innocent explanations" which turned out to be so much shite.

Go with your gut instinct - if you want to confront him, do it. If you'd rather not know, then you have amuch harder job on hand of trying to forget about it.

Flashman Sat 12-Jul-08 23:25:32

Is his pc password protected - you might be able to look at the msn logs in not.

Daisypops Sat 12-Jul-08 23:26:31

yes, we went thru something similar a few years ago, I caught him kissing someone when he was drunk, was devastated but got on with it. My gut instinct is that hes messing around. If one of my friends told me this story I would tell her to get rid of him and how obvious it was.

I just really want us to work, I love him but don't trust him so think it will probably be the end of us as I can't prove or disprove anything is going on and hes just says I'm mad which makes me hate him even more.

Daisypops Sat 12-Jul-08 23:29:42

Yes flashman his pc is protected, tried that.

He got a new phone today and wanted one with internet access I just think he wanted that so he can MSN her. Y'know when you link everything to their unfaithfulness. His pubes are in my sink, I think hes done it for her, so the trust is completely gone.

Hes very protective with his phone too, which is a sign IMO.

Hes not answering it tonight which i just feel is silly games.

Really fkd off. I feel very alone. I've put 100%in to this and hes doing this to me.
I feel numb in a way. Like its all a dream.

Swedes Sat 12-Jul-08 23:32:45

Is he the father of your child?

Daisypops Sat 12-Jul-08 23:32:52

Forgot to say , I have confronted him he just says he knew her years ago and I'm mad and paranoid. Which makes me feel even worse. Surely if your innocent of something you do all you can to prove your innocence. He just says I'm mental and shes someone he knew years ago.

He never had her name in his phone before, I have checked his phonebook previously and its never been there.

Daisypops Sat 12-Jul-08 23:34:19

Yes he is the father of my child.

I do everything for her, hes never even fed her or changed her nappy and this is how he treats me.

Flashman Sat 12-Jul-08 23:35:03

what os are you running?

Flashman Sat 12-Jul-08 23:37:33

if you really want to know perhaps you could upload a keylogger on the pc 3

thumbwitch Sat 12-Jul-08 23:38:49

ah, accusing you of being mad and paranoid (projecting wildly here from own experience) = bluffing wildly because he has been caught out. She MIGHT be someone he knew years ago, doesn't mean that he isn't getting to know her again now,and certainly doesn't make you mad or paranoid.

Refusal of access to phone/computer, accusations of you not trusting him, blaming you in any way for this situation = all bad signs.
BUt you know this - you have already said that if it was one of your friends you would be telling them the same thing.

So really it's more a case of what do you want to do about it?

Flashman Sat 12-Jul-08 23:38:54

there are other ones you could try - just go to and seach for key loggers

Daisypops Sat 12-Jul-08 23:42:34

Idon't think I want to actually see what hes been saying to her. That would tip me over the edge.

Yup all the signs are there. Its fkd. I'm devastated.

Why the fk do they do it?

I'm not throwing roses at myself but I'm ok looking, have a good job a nice family and have done everything for him. Why?

Flashman Sat 12-Jul-08 23:48:05

hmmmm I am not trying to be rude here or anything - but how old are you and your DH?

thumbwitch Sat 12-Jul-08 23:51:41

some men just don't know when they have it good - and some just work on 'the grass is greener' principle - and some men are just selfish wankers.

Probably some are all 3!

Perhaps Flashman can give his opinion as to why men do it (NOT suggesting for a moment that he is one who would)

juneybean Sat 12-Jul-08 23:57:32

Msn usually lists in order of Online/Offline, if she was online then her name would be near the top.

The hearts next to her name are nothing to do with your partner, but just her use of icons in her name

I hope you get it sorted!

Flashman Sun 13-Jul-08 00:06:25

My view and please don't bite my head off - i really don't want another hundred posts having to defend myself - is boredom. Things are the same old same old. If you have been with the same partner for years, are starting to hit past 30 (and I imagine it will be worse the older you are) and you see yourself getting old think fuck it and just shake things up - feel more alive. Days are more fun - you have something to look forward to. A sense of danger. No I have not cheated, but I have had a couple of firends who did and thats the impression when we were talking.

thumbwitch Sun 13-Jul-08 00:12:12

Just had another (totally unhelpful) thought as to why - if he has done it before and you forgave him and you do everything for him etc., then guilt might be in there too. One thing I do know is that most men can't STAND feeling guilty; and there is often an element of "if she thinks I'm going to do that then I might as well do it" - in other words "if I'm doing time, might as well do the crime".

Limara Sun 13-Jul-08 00:16:11

Can I just suggest that you just take a step back...

Calm down with a hot chocolate or equalivalant and take some deep breaths...

Everything is much worse at night especially when you are on your own.

There is NOTHING you can do tonight.

Unless you get proof nothing has happened.

Flashman Sun 13-Jul-08 00:16:18

Thumb the guilty thing Ifully agree with - my friend did go back to his partner but could never live with it, but thats only guilt in the open. I think you will find that most will happly live with the guilt as long as they are the only one that knows.

Limara Sun 13-Jul-08 00:18:21

If youv'e had a drink tonight, that may make you a little jumpy and tetchy especially if you can't now leave the house you may also feel trapped/stir crazy?

Flashman Sun 13-Jul-08 00:19:57

Actually Limara has said the most sensible thing - leave it will the morning. Everything always seems better in the light.

windygalestoday Sun 13-Jul-08 00:22:52

ermm i dont know if this will help you ,,,,a few weeks ago i received an email from my ex boyfriend from years go i was 16 when we finished and met dh at 17 and this year we will have been together 17 years- all these years i have built this bloke up in my mind and although i love my dh dearly i was flattered to receive these emails .....shortly after the first email i realised he was quite a boring,self obsessed fool who truly believed that i was on hold for him?he was saying in these emails how much he loved me and how we should be together how ive always been there for him etc etc hed read an awful lot into a situation that wasnt true so much so i had to block his emails anyone reading them would think we had the love affair of the century and we were besotted lovers when the reality was i rarely see him he has had 2 marriages and lots of relationships in between and he was truly of the mind i was his for the taking - fate had determined that we should be together when the reality was hed asked everyone he knew could he email me...........needless to say what 1 person reads into an email is not what the recipient is wanting.

Limara Sun 13-Jul-08 00:24:24

Do I sound like I've been there?

Iv'e followed a couple of boyfriends before. I did it because I obviously didn't trust them and couldn't get the truth out of them and NOT because I am a stalker <<keen to look normal>>>>

Have to say though, I didn't see anything but It was bloody exciting sat there with my mate hysterical laughing at the subdifuge<<how you spell it?>>> of the whole senario sat drinking flasks of coffee in car parksgrin

MrsMacaroon Sun 13-Jul-08 00:34:04


sorry- sounds dodgy but also seems like he's not exactly a great catch if he won't make the effort to feed/change his own child.

if it finishes, i'm sure there's someone better out there for you...hellish when kids involved though obviously.

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