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I just don't know what to do anymore....

(202 Posts)
tearfulmummy Sat 12-Jul-08 10:58:53

I've name changed to do this thread. I'm a long-standing regular MNetter.

I just need some help/advice about my relationship with my DH. We have two daughters.

I have been with DH for almost 20yrs. He is a lovely caring guy, when he wants to be. He has a temper. I saw it this morning.

He works extremely hard and puts his job first and foremost in his life, even before me and the kids. This has always been a bug-bear for me. Whilst I know holding down a full-time job is important I don't see it should always come first. He is in charge of his own working day. He can make changes to his day if he chooses to. When it comes to me and the kids he won't.

He has no relationship with his parents. He blames me for that. They never liked me from day one. They've always made it obvious they don't like me. They preferred his first wife. We have not seen them for many years. They've not even met our youngest daughter. Their choice, not ours. We ring them - they put the phone down. We text them - no reply. They live a 2hr drive away. His Father once said to me on one of our first visits that I was the girlfriend on the rebound. He has also called me some vicious names in the past and has made some very threatening comments about my family. As a result I do not like or trust DH's family.

DH's temper was awful this morning. I told him I'd had enough of being stuck at home. I desperately want to go back to work but I have the children to consider. My youngest is due to start school this Autumn but finding a job that will fit with school-runs is almost impossible around here. The schools themselves have no part-time work either. I told him I'd love to go out one evening, even just for a drink, but there is no-one to have the kids. I have friends but I don't like to ask them. DH has no friends - he is always too wrapped up with work to keep his mates outside work.

I told him to f-off this morning. I'd had enough. He keeps me awake with his snoring. He doesn't come to bed until the early hours because he watches rubbish on tv. He wakes me up when he comes to bed. We have no sex life whatsoever. I can't remember the last time we had sex - must be last year. When I told him to f-off this morning his reply was 'ok, I'm off'. I told him not to come back. His reply was 'ok, fine'. He was stood at the stairs and he told me to push him down the stairs. He kept telling me to push him...'come on push me down the stairs then'. Needless to say I didn't.

We have no money. We are fully skint. I am struggling to keep our fridge full. DH's money is good but with our mortgage and general outgoings we have next to nothing to live off. I have a car which I've considered getting rid of but I know if I do I'll need it for some emergency or other. I have an elderly Mum who doesn't drive and lives 10 miles away. My Dad died some years ago. I can't get rid of the car in case she needs me. I can't afford to run the car but its legal, that's about it.

I worry that the kids are picking up on the bad state of my relationship with DH. He does nothing to help himself. He is a good Dad but has no patience with them. I'm often telling him to calm it with the kids because its all too easy for him to raise his voice with them. The eldest is now becoming quite scared of him and his temper. He has never hurt them. He's not like that but his shouting and temper is scaring her. She comes to me when he's like that.

I can't afford to be living on my own with the kids. We don't have the money to survive. He has nowhere to go anyway. He'll never leave. His parents won't want him. He has no other family.

Y'know what though. I do love him. But I don't love him the same way I used to love him. I don't feel close to him anymore. We don't kiss or cuddle. I hate this. What do I do? xxx

loopylou6 Sat 12-Jul-08 11:02:30

I fyou're not happy take your kids and get housed by the council, claim benefits untill you are able to go to work. You must put your childrens happiness first and it doesnt sound like they are very happy in the family home which obviously isnt your fault. Push me down the stairs? WTF? hmm

colditz Sat 12-Jul-08 11:04:00

You need to go to relate, on your own if he won't go with you

HumphreyCushioh Sat 12-Jul-08 11:05:01

It is extremely difficult to maintain a relationship when you don't get any time as a couple.

I think it would be helpful to ask a friend to babysit for a couple of hours, so you and DH can spend some time alone.

Even if you just go for a walk together, it will give you time to talk, and work out a way forward. smile

He needs to stop the shouting and intimidating though. Have you spoken to him about how it affects the children?

Shitemum Sat 12-Jul-08 11:05:04

You are both very unhappy. Is there any way you could talk to someone about this together?

tearfulmummy Sat 12-Jul-08 11:23:29

DH would never go to relate. He'd never admit he has a temper.

I can't just leave and get myself a council house and go onto benefits. Its not that easy. I'd have a property to sell first. Debts to clear. Here you have to earn points to get a council property. Having owned our own homes for the 20yrs we've been together I'm on zero points. My Mum has a large house that she rattles around in but she'd never have us. She's got used to her own space for so long now. To have us living with her would be too much.

I'd love some time with DH on our own but I only have a couple of mates that I'm close to who would have the kids but I've asked them to have the kids before if I've had an appt to go to or some commitment with the kids and DH is at work. I hate to keep asking. I can never return the favour anyway cos if ever the chance comes up that I can they've got loads of family members who have their kids, iyswim.

There's times when I resent being with DH because I blame him for the way his parents are. DH has always been the first to step in and defend their behaviour which has always pissed me off. Even when his Father was being a complete bastard towards me DH just brushed it under the carpet. Whenever the subject of his family come up in conversation he's always said its my fault. I look at DH and regret being with him because due to him and his family I have so little support with my own kids. I've been desperate for many years to have a break from the kids. My kids have one Grandmother. That's it. I have got 7 weeks of having the kids at home full-time coming up with the school hols. DH isn't having any time off. I have nowhere to take them that doesn't cost money. So basically I have no break from being a full-time Mum for the next 7 weeks.

I absolutely adore my kids. They mean the world to me....but I'm tired, fed up, depressed, lonely and at such an all time low I feel I could just walk away sometimes and never come back. x

littlewoman Sat 12-Jul-08 12:07:29

You poor thing. I have felt like this before. It's so lonely.

Do any of your friends have teenagers who might sit with your DC's for an evening? Otherwise, you could take the children to the pub garden in the evening perhaps? It is very important that you rediscover yourselves as a 'romantic couple' rather than just two parents to the same children. This is a recipe for disaster, imo.

Do you ever do anything together as a couple? Even something as simple as doing the Sunday morning crossword in bed together? If you really can't find time or money to go out, try to find ways to do small things together with him. This will gradually lead to a more intimate relationship again, I think.

I don't think there's much point laying blame at anybody's door for the behaviour of dh's parents. Nobody 'makes' anybody behave in any way. It's behaviour they chose themselves, independent of you and dh, so best to stop arguing over that one if you can. They are actually driving you apart, which was their intention. So they've won if you let them.

missingtheaction Sat 12-Jul-08 12:26:02

Ok, brace yourself. You may find the following a bit harsh.

What a depressing, whingy, self-indulent miserable whine. Everything is someone else's fault, everything is happening to you, you are the victim, you are helpless. You are 'littlewoman'. Poor you, we are all supposed to say, isn't everyone horrid to poor little woman.

Time to wake up and get a grip. Your life is your responsibility. If you want things to change it's up to you to make it happen. Youre husband doesn't want to spend time with you and takes you for granted? well, would you want to spend time with you? He puts work first - well, you have a huge mortgage and debts to pay and he is the only wagearner, what do you expect? you don't respect and appreciate the work he puts in to keep you afloat - of course he is angry with you. His parents hate you - so he has cut off communication with them to be with you, and yet you are full of resentment.

I think you are being self indulgent and unreasonable. Yes, things are shit for you in many ways - and it's YOUR job to sort it out.

Get sorted. What are the real problems? what can YOU do to fix them? If you are clinically depressed see the doctor. If you are just miserable then keep a 'happy things' diary (write down three nice things to be gratful for every day).

Why am I so harsh? Because I used to be married to someone like this - someone who always saw himself as the victim and spent all his energy blaming people instead of working out what he could do to fix things and listening to what people really wanted. I left. If you want to stay married and get happy, please please please take your future into your own control.

Gettingagrip Sat 12-Jul-08 12:32:48

tearfulmummy are you me? Well, me 18 months ago. I could have written your post almost word for word. I have only recently discovered mumsnet so have not posted very much at all. Am reluctant to give advice as there seem to be a few posters who think you should just put up and shut up on this site.

However...with the caveat that what I did is not for everyone...I left my situation over a year ago, after years of literally begging for improvements. My ex just said he was happy so why would anything change?

It has been very, very hard for all sorts of reasons...BUT...I can now see light at the end of the tunnel and I have found new friends and new interests, none of which costs alot of money, and no longer want to kill myself, or more truthfully just disappear off the face of the earth. Crucially my children are happier now too.

Could you not ask your mother to put you up for a while until you get yourselves sorted out? I know what it is like living with a man who justs lives for his work....is he a farmer by any chance????? And I lived next door to my in-laws who were dreadful, and my ex always put them first. Anyway...this is not about me. If you just went to your mothers for a while it may shock your husband into make some changes....mine never thought I would leave in a million years!

Get some advice about what you may be entitled to benefits wise. Talk to your mother and also your friends....the first thing several of my friends did was offer me money. I am NOT saying just leave..but what I am saying is , find out what may be available to you and if you know there is some way out of this you may not actually feel so bad. I think feeling trapped is the worst thing. You need a bit of power .

I hope that helps. x

Elkat Sat 12-Jul-08 12:34:39

Missing the action - that comes across as a bit harsh, but I think you've got a point. There's a lot here about what she can't do and not a lot of focus on what can be donme to make things better.

It sounds like a part time job would help a great deal. You've got a car, your kids will be at school, why can't you get an after school childminder and work 2 or 3 days? You will still take your children to school every day, given that you only need after school care, the childminder won't tak all your fees and then you will have more money to spend. It will also get you out of the house and having a life of your own again. It sounds like you feel trapped in your life and your situation- but as MTA said, only you can change that, so start with the little things, get a job - that will give you interests, friends etc - things might not seem so bad once you've got another 'life' to escape to a couple of days a week.
HTH

SNoraWotzThat Sat 12-Jul-08 12:37:18

Its hard because when you are this low, you can't see a way out. Not sure what to say but couldn't ignor

littlewoman Sat 12-Jul-08 12:37:59

Eh, how did this come to be a rant about me??

littlewoman Sat 12-Jul-08 12:40:16

Oh, it's not about me. Fark. I'm really shaking, so hell knows how the op feels, MIA.

littlewoman Sat 12-Jul-08 12:43:58

But in some ways agree. You are thinking along very negative lines TearfulMummy. I know it's very hard when you're so down to find a solution. Concentrate on one area at a time. I'd build up some friendly time with DH if I were you. ((()))

missingtheaction Sat 12-Jul-08 12:44:51

sorry littlewoman but that's my point exactly - this IS about you and you improving your life! People around you may have behaved badly and life may have dealt you a rough hand, but to fix it you must focus on what YOU can do to change things. Nobody else is going to do it for you (sad but true).

It's easy to be sympathetic, but that's not going to improve your life (it's like eating a choccy bar if you're depressed about being overweight - great short term boost but doesn't solve anything), and loads of other mns will do the sympathy bit.

What about Elkat's suggestion of finding a job in september - a great first step.

SNoraWotzThat Sat 12-Jul-08 12:48:30

Some harsh home truths here coming out. Not sure if they would be said in RL to even a friend. Reminds me of the Jeremy Vile Show.

HmphreyCushion Sat 12-Jul-08 12:52:53

The OP is tearfulmummy.

tearfulmummy Sat 12-Jul-08 12:54:41

MIA - yes I found your post extremely harsh.

I am not asking for sympathy.

I am a hardworking full-time Mum who does work atm but only very part-time hours. Yes I do get lonely. I have no family to speak of. To my mates I am the happy bubbly person they know. I cover up how I feel very well. I have been through some major down-moments in my life recently including a dreadful tragic loss to my life. I have never got over the grief of losing someone so close to me, but that is another story entirely.

I am trying to get myself a job for October. Having not held down a 'proper' job for 10 years, since having DD1, my confidence is at an all-time low. Whereas prior to having DD1 I held a very good job which I had worked hard at to get to the position I was at when I went on maternity leave. I will never get back to that again and I miss it dreadfully.

It was my choice to become a SAHM. I chose not to hand my children to Childminders. My choice so you could say I made my own bed I had to lie in it.

I never get a break from the kids. They are a 24/7 commitment. I feel like I spend my entire life looking after other people. I want someone to look after me. Is that so bad? When the kids or DH are ill I help get them better. When I'm ill I have to carry on being 'Mum'. I don't have anyone who can step into my shoes even when I'm ill.

DH is a lovely bloke, I know that. I know also I'm lucky that I have a husband cos I know a lot of Mums on here don't have partners. Through all his faults he is still my husband. But I am unhappy, miserable and fed up. I am not whining (MIA) and nor am I blaming everyone else. I am by no means perfect. Nobody in this world is. I am not being self-indulgent or unreasonable MIA. I am just a very unhappy person at the moment who is crying out for help. Sorry if I've wasted anyone's time but if the replies are going to go along the lines of MIA's posts there's little point in me continuing with my posts.

I thank everyone else who have replied to this thread. I am grateful. xxx

SNoraWotzThat Sat 12-Jul-08 12:59:05

Mn is the place to air these things, not to be told to keep quite and sort yourself out. Otherwise there would be no posts.

If you read the op, you can see how low, low can be. Also the same for littlewoman.

missingtheaction Sat 12-Jul-08 12:59:26

SORRY SORRY SORRY! blush sorry littlewoman, the red mist descended, I am a T*

Tearfulmummy, i know what I said was really really harsh and probably a nasty shock but I think nicey-nicey sympathy is absolutely not what you need long term. Your post touched a nerve in me - you are so very miserable, and I know it's not fair, but I also know that the only person who can make that change is you. and you can do it.

off to hang head in shame. I hope I would say this in RL to a friend, but maybe a bit more gently. or maybe not.

lulumama Sat 12-Jul-08 13:02:03

jesus, what is wrong with good old fashioned tea and sympathy? am appalled that anyone would conciously sit and write such a nasty diatribe and direct it at someone who was actually supporting the OP

how very helpful hmm

sometimes, problems seem too big to cope with

marriage failing, no money, elderly relatives, everything hanging by a thread...

of course saying 'get a grip and sort yourself out ' is just the thing to be saying

how foul.

Trebuchet Sat 12-Jul-08 13:02:10

Bloody hell MTA who pissed in your cornflakes this morning? I distinctly remember the OP asking for ADVICE not demanding SYMPATHY. You actually made some fairly sensible comments, and gave decent advise, but with the compassion of a flea you managed to make even them seem aggressive. Somehow this threads become all about YOU hmm

Often folk post threads when they're very low and feeling at the end of their tether, I hope to god that YOU don't get this sort of reaction if you ever need help.

lulumama Sat 12-Jul-08 13:02:38

x posts.

good on you for apologising

SNoraWotzThat Sat 12-Jul-08 13:02:38

missingtheaction - post can hit a nerve, and you can see this did for you, I am sure at some point what you have said, will make all the difference and be a great help. But maybe today was not the day wink

SNoraWotzThat Sat 12-Jul-08 13:04:42

Right I have a birthday party to get on with and 1 hour left to do many things that only can be done with hot air and lots of faffing.

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