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Friendships - advice required.... (sorry its a long one)

(14 Posts)
kd73 Sat 12-Jul-08 09:22:51

18months ago I arranged for a party of 4 g'friends and I to go away for the weekend to. Anyway I did all the organising, arranged for us to get together to discuss what people wanted to do etc etc and organised it.

Anyway I overhear friends slagging me off over the arrangements made during the course of the weekend. I didn't want to say or do anything so laid in bed getting very upset. The upshot was it made me ill and downbeat (surprisingly).

I never said anything to friends either at the time and thought that in time things would improve until I suffered a mc. 3 out of 4 friends did not contact me or acknowledge that I was having difficulty, so in the end I contacted them. 1 friendship was saved, 2 still looked very dodgy.

At Christmas we met up but 1 friend can't look at me in the face although she is pg again. The other just agrees that FTC is shit.

I try to clear the air with 2 friends earlier this yr, but 1 says "I can't remember what was said, for gods sake it was nearly a year ago, get over it." the other says "well that will teach you to listen to conversations which your not party to" shock

A hen weekend is booked and being told by the bride to be that my "behaviour at the earlier weekend will not be tolerated" I decide not to go to, but make the effort to drive for 3 hours for what turns out to be a 2 hr meal, where I was ignored.

Now "friend" with children is having a surprise party organised by her dh.

These have been my closest friends for over 5yrs... to not go sends out a clear message. But then to go may result in me being ignored again.

Would you go or just make excuses and move on?

BecauseImWorthIt Sat 12-Jul-08 09:25:28

Go to the party - it is her birthday. Smile and be gracious.

Then leave and get on with your life after that. Doesn't sound like these women are real friends at all.

But I would also say, examine your own behaviour over that weekend and ask if there was any justification at all for the things that they were saying - perhaps there is a lesson for you to learn there as well?

Hecate Sat 12-Jul-08 09:25:29

It doesn't sound like they are your friends, tbh.

Re the organising, getting folks together etc - Do you think that you are a bit, erm, bossy? Take over? Is that what they were saying?

mankymummy Sat 12-Jul-08 09:25:52

well... to be blunt it sounds like either...

a) they are not nice friends or real friends at all

b) you have done something terrible that has put them off you

What was the "behaviour at the earlier weekend" that the bride was talking about?

beaniesteve Sat 12-Jul-08 09:26:42

If they have invited youo the party then I say go. Perhaps it is time to 'let it go'. I expect they were embarrassed at being overheard. Did they even apologise at teh time?

Alambil Sat 12-Jul-08 09:41:33

Do they know what they did?

You say you laid in bed getting upset - if you didn't tell them why, maybe they don't think there's any justification and you were upset for some other reason (that they'd have had to guessed) and think you're more a drama queen than genuinely upset because they don't know the genuine reasons?

bubblagirl Sat 12-Jul-08 09:46:41

maybe a bit of overreacting on all sides

sometimes overhearing a conversation you only hear what you want to

it was insensitive that they didnt contact you with mc but some people genuinly have no idea what to say

erm not sure about hte ignoring at meal maybe you were very quiet and not forthcoming with conversation you sound like you have alot of resentment

in all honesty sounds very childish i had a friedn not saying like you at all but was very me me me and very draining always needed acknowledgement centre of attention and the rest of us were just there going with the flow and if she wasnt getting own way would sulk and be really hard work to get on with

as would hardly answer

i think you all need to sit down and be honest maybe without knowing the resentment is sending off negative attitude that makes them uncomfortable if your that good friend syou have to learn to let things go and look forward

we dont really talk to said friend now as always eneded in arguments as things were not hewr way she felt left out etc yet made no effort when we spoke to her

by no means am i saying this is you but just its not always easy and you dont always notice your own actions and over hearing a convo they may have mentioned something about arrangements but did you hear it in enough detail to know they were really slagging you off

i think wires have been crossed along the way go to the party with no resentment and big hugs for all friends and start again if they mean that much if not let them go

AbbeyA Sat 12-Jul-08 09:50:23

Lying in bed upset but not giving a reason was bound to make things very difficult. I would just draw a line under it all and carry on- go to the party and be friendly.

kd73 Sun 13-Jul-08 08:46:51

Thank you for your comments.

To try and respond to the questions, we went to CP and therefore you have to book activities before arrival. I had managed to get really good discount and therefore I took over the booking. We agreed about a month beforehand who wanted to do what (if anything) and I organised.

Then on the Saturday night of the weekend I overheard 2 friends comment that "it was completely unreasonable to expect us to do the activities and who does she think she is booking them in the first place". Apparently 1 friend decided to go bed, the other defended my position stating that I hadn't forced or coerced anyone into the activities and indeed that is why she had opted out of all the activities.

I didn't say anything at the time as I didn't want to cause a scene and upset the weekend but I was very upset and disappointed that I felt I had done something nice.

My unacceptable behaviour as referred to was that I ended up with sickness and erhmmmm .... so I used all the loo roll and whilst I went for a group meal on the last night, I left early as the smell of the food was making me hurl in the toilets and indeed, I was told by "friends" to go back to the lodge as I was clearly unwell. I am sure you can imagine I was not the life and soul of the party.

Finally, I am trying to put things behind me but I don't feel I can trust them not to bitch behind my back and I suspect they are still meeting up - just without me and I don't know how to cope when they won't meet me to discuss issues and when we meet up they either ignore me and can't look me in the eye.

Ivegotaheadache Sun 13-Jul-08 09:05:43

When you had a mc (I'm very sorry), 3 of your friends didn't even bother to contact you? And you had to contact them after you mc'd?
That's appalling, IMO. If I was even remotely friendly with someone, I would contatct them.

Did you hear from them after your trip at all?
It sounds like there's something else going on, because good friends don't usually end a friendship over a few activities or if you were unwell.
Was everything ok before this?

If it were me, I wouldn't want to go somewhere where people behaved like this towards me if I couldn't see any reasonable explanation for it.

Can you call them and just ask them what is the matter, you'll have your answer depending on how they behave.

hertsnessex Sun 13-Jul-08 09:07:21

move on - something is v wrong with these friendships.

Ivegotaheadache Sun 13-Jul-08 09:08:44

And if they don't offer some sort of explanation, I would tell them you think the way they are treating you is very hurtful.
You probably need to really think about where you want to go with these friendships.
Can you be friends with people who are like this?

Hassled Sun 13-Jul-08 09:12:03

I think if I were you I would just walk away from the lot of it. I wouldn't go to the surprise party (but would make apologies to the friend's DH so it doesn't look like a big thing), and wouldn't initiate contact again afterwards.

It's hard to lay the blame at any one person, without knowing you, but the mc issue alone would make me question whether it's worth pursuing.

And then join a club, go to the gym, invent a hobby - go out there and try to meet new people.

kd73 Sun 13-Jul-08 09:27:33

Thank you, I have got other friends but I considered these to be my closest frients - which is why its all so sad.

I have called them all and got 1 friendship back on track but the other 2 "just want things to go back as to how it was before". Unfortunately, for me thats really difficult because they bitched behind my back (and don't appear to be bothered enought to apologise) and were not there around when I needed them.

Thanks for your advice, I know what I need to do - I just don't like it sad

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