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not name changing......I am not sure if I should, BUT, why should I be ashamed????/

(159 Posts)
Psychomum5 Fri 11-Jul-08 22:22:07

I am still not sure if I am doing the right thing, but here goes, fully in........

I am having difficulty.

DH and I are, for the most part, very happily married. very, and for which I know I should be feeling very lucky for, and very fortunate for......BUT

we had a small (well, not so small really) problem 3yrs ago.

he did something with another woman, a paid type of woman.......but a woman that was not found or instgated by him.

he was working away a lot, he is the 'owner' of a building gang, and they had work away for which he employed people for.

now, one such 'bloke' was single (among married men) and this one night, brought this woma back to the digs.

I have no idea, in all honesty, how it all occured.......so I will not say as I could be lying or angry about and so exagerating.

suffice to say, DH did something, then caught something, and gave it to me.

now, to all intent;s and purposes, we have got over it, I was treated, we got councelling, and we are fine.........not least because we were and are happy, we have a fab family, and I can see us growing old together........all makers for a happy marriage.

BUT

the guy that started this was at the time sacked (on my say so) and DH promised to not go away to anywhere that I could not trust him for......until I was fine again.

all ok????

no.....the guy that (in my head) is the instigator, is back working with them again....and I am feeling like shit. I cannot get past this trust issue again....and DH has noticed me being unhappy..as have the kiddies, and me....I am stressed out all the timeblush

I want to get past it, I want to be okay again, I want not to have to tell DH that this man working for them again has worked me up to this degree......

help me see sense again please

ihatedairyLea Fri 11-Jul-08 22:25:38

I agree with you. This surely rakes everything up. You took some control last time and got him sacked. Why would your dh hire him again. I just think it's terribly insensitive.

sad

It's not like this man forced you dh to do what he did but still.

Ewe Fri 11-Jul-08 22:28:38

I think you have to tell your DH - it was his fuck up, he needs to do everything he can to make you feel happy and secure.

Yes, even 3yrs later, just because you have moved past it as a couple (well done btw!) does not mean it is forgotten and you don't need this man reminding you!

Ewe Fri 11-Jul-08 22:28:39

I think you have to tell your DH - it was his fuck up, he needs to do everything he can to make you feel happy and secure.

Yes, even 3yrs later, just because you have moved past it as a couple (well done btw!) does not mean it is forgotten and you don't need this man reminding you!

Ewe Fri 11-Jul-08 22:28:55

Ooops blush

RegenerAitch Fri 11-Jul-08 22:29:14

hhhm. i can see your point, tbh.

Psychomum5 Fri 11-Jul-08 22:29:26

DH says that they jired him as he is the better man for the job and they have struggled since to find someone to match his hard working skills, and also, that he has not found work since the on the same pay.

I still am not happy tho and do not care (should I??)

and no, DH was not forced, I know that, and he is sorry for that, but these are all married men, this other man is still single, and I am not happy!!!!

I want to be....I want to think that it is passed and they have learnt, and I am ok to trust again.......but I can;t.....I keep going over and over and over it and it is driving me nuts!!!

am I normal tho, or is this signs of madness????

argh

((signs of madness was rhetorical))

DivaSkyChick Fri 11-Jul-08 22:29:59

Why should you see sense? Tell him to get rid of the git.

You don't have to be the sensible one here.

You were betrayed with some rather ugly consequences. You were HUGELY forgiving. Your price was pretty simple and straight forward. You haven't changed your terms.

Seems extremely reasonable to me!

Psychomum5 Fri 11-Jul-08 22:30:23

hired, not jired (altho maybe 'jiring' him would be betterhmm)

RegenerAitch Fri 11-Jul-08 22:30:32

shite. it's a me or him situ. nightmare for you.

oi Fri 11-Jul-08 22:31:03

doesn't sound mad to me at all.

oranges Fri 11-Jul-08 22:31:41

your dh is being a fool, to have done it in the first place, been lucky enough to save his marriage, and torisk it all again. this should not be your problem - it's his. does he realise how bad you are feeling?

lulumama Fri 11-Jul-08 22:32:03

so a man lost his job even though he was a hard worker and did well, because your DH did something he should not have done? i am afraid that is kind of skewed logic...

i am sorry for your marital troubles, but you are directing your anger at the wrong person,

your DH was in the wrong, he took the decision to do what he did, the other guy was not married, so he could do what he wants

you need to look at why you still think your DH would be led astray , for want of a better term, by this chap

micegg Fri 11-Jul-08 22:32:09

OK, here comes the seeing sense bit smile.... your DH did what he did. The other man may well have bought the woman to the digs but the rest was up to your DH. Sorry to sound so harsh but thats pretty much it. Is it possible that your way in dealing with all this was to lay the blame on the other man? And now that he has reappeared its forcing you to confront it all again. It must be very painful for you but the fact that this man is around again is not going to result in your DH doing anything like that again unless HE decides too.

KaySamuels Fri 11-Jul-08 22:34:39

what lulumama said

DivaSkyChick Fri 11-Jul-08 22:35:00

Ladies, of course she knows it's not the other guy's fault, not really.

But so what? Let him go instigate somewhere else. If looking for someone as good is a hardship on her DH, tough luck. It's a small price to pay for her peace of mind.

RegenerAitch Fri 11-Jul-08 22:36:17

well of course lulu is right (if that's why the man lost his job), but the situation here is between psycho and dh. dh should quietly, unfairly etc have been moving hell and high water to keep this man off his gang. if he hasn't, why not? doesn't he realise how lucky he was to get away with it last time?

oi Fri 11-Jul-08 22:36:30

isn't that sensible.. and v true (what micegg and lulu said). But I can still see why you would feel the way you do. And I hope that your dh can empathise with how it is making you feel. Are you worried he hasn't changed (your dh)?

Psychomum5 Fri 11-Jul-08 22:36:36

lule and micegg.......you have hit upon why I am asking this......I know that it is not so much this other blokes fault (yes, DH should take some of the blame), but logic does not work with emotions and so I am posting here, as I am trying so bloody hard to not tell DH why i am being so shite, and I am not sure that if this bloke should be out of work just because of ME.

god, emotions are bloody crap at times!

lulumama Fri 11-Jul-08 22:37:38

sorry, i disagree. this man lost his job because a married man did the wrong thing

that is wrong

i disagree his livelihood should be compromised
when he did nothing wrong

i disagree that a man can be 'instigated' into doing something with someone he should not.. he was not a 15 year old lad on holiday with his mates, he was a married man

uberalice Fri 11-Jul-08 22:38:37

I think I'm missing something here. The bloke might have brought the woman along, but it's Psycho's DH who went along with it - surely firing the bloke isn't going to fix that. I do admire the lengths that you've both gone to mend your relationship though.

DivaSkyChick Fri 11-Jul-08 22:38:57

If he's sooo good at what he does, he'd get paid plenty elsewhere. It's impossible that your husband is the only person on the planet who can see how great he is.

lulumama Fri 11-Jul-08 22:39:20

i am sorry you are feeling shitty though , i really am, but i do think it was wrong this man lost his job

uberalice Fri 11-Jul-08 22:39:25

Ah, lulu, I think you see it my way too.

Psychomum5 Fri 11-Jul-08 22:39:41

oi.....I really really do not think that DH would ever do this to us (and me) again. I was very ill last time, and the meds I was on were hidious, so I do not think he would dare for that regard......

I am just losing confidence, and waking up at night thinking again about what it was like, and not liking the memories.......it is hard......things are being dug up in my head that I do not like and I want someone to come along and shake me into sense again!!!!

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