Can I look for support and ask advice to my FIL?

[velcrobott]

I don't know if anyone can help but maybe just writing this down anonymously will help me... sorry it's long!
I've been with DH for 15 years, when we married we both had jobs. Then DH lost his and he has in effect never found one again. The first year he did try - quite hard - then he "abandonned". He then went in business with someone we wanted to help, it didn't work out but we knew it wouldn't and that's fine... since then DH has retrained (he use to be in marketing) and now earns a pittance.... his new self-employed job currently equals 3h/week of work.... he could have more clients but he isn't doing much (if anything) to get more clients. People who do similar work have more clients so there are clients around....

Today we went to the bank to renew our mortgage and I kept feeling that all DH says to me is "spend less, we don't have any money, we spend more than we earn, etc"

Now I am also self-employed, I work easily 30h/week and earn quite a bit more but we are definitely strapped for cash.
We have 2 young children which DH looks after when not at school or at childminder.... let's not ask how much house cleaning he does .... I don't want to get too upset !!!!

I want to speak to FIL as I know DH respects his dad. I know his dad has in the past called me to ask me what was happening with DH - why he wasn't working/earning any money... at the time I defended (and actually I always defend) DH... but all I am doing is basically making excuses for him. I sometimes wonder iof DH isn't depresssed, he says he isn't and shows no obvious signs of being depressed... he has once said he feels his life is like a train and he is a passanger.... to which I replied, are you planning to get into the conductor's seat at some point ? He said he was trying!

Today I (again) tried to broach the subject with DH and the tone quickly escalated... we didn't continue and so we didn't have a row... but I am SUPER annoyed that DH is always finding excuses for not getting more work - and I told him this - and he was basically saying well what do you want me to do.... and I thought get a fxxing job !

I too would like to only work 3hours a week! I have always worked harder (much harder) than he has, I have always earned more but now I would like a bit of a break (choose when I work)... and I wonder if FIL could speak to him and kick his axxe!

Is this a good plan?

[bellababe]

Ultimately, and I think everyone will say this to you, only you can know whether it's a good plan or not. I think you probably think it is, and I certainly don't see anything wrong with it. Apart from anything it will make you feel that you are sharing your problem without being disloyal - he's his son too, not just your husband. In your position, I would do it. I suspect you may be right about the depression thing and your FIL may be more able to make him admit that than you. I can really understand your frustration and I'm so sorry. Follow your instinct. If you think it's a good plan, go for it.

[velcrobott]

Thanks bellababe... I guess you've hit the nail on the head... i don't know who else I can talk about this to....
I can't confide in my family, I don't have friends that I feel have enough time or understanding for this (I know it sounds harsh but we have moved a few times and to a degree I am feeling very lonely with this problem.... that's why I am sharing it on Mumsnert )

[Gwenick]

I'd agree it sounds like you have a good relationship with your FIL and that your DH has a good relationship with his dad so I'd defintiely speak to him about it. He sounds very much like my Dad was when he was depressed years ago and having his dad interveen could just be the thing he needs to get help

[velcrobott]

Thanks Gwenick.... much appreciated... I just feel incredibly lonely with my problem
Anyone has anything else to add?

[wild]

Personally I would not do it. I do think loyalty - or I should say 'perceived loyalty' may be an issue. I just imagine how I would feel if a partner talked to my father about me. Sounds like your FIL has an idea of what's going on in any case. I would definitely tackle the prob at source with DH. Maybe you can start a discussion when both FIL and DH are present. But sounds like you and DH need to sort this as a partnership, primarily. I can understand you are fed up.

[wild]

I just re-read this. 3 hours a week. That's pretty dismal, really.

[velcrobott]

I take your point about loyalty...

[wild]

Well I may be wrong .. I don't know you all of course. I just know how I would feel if dp talked to dad about something he was fed up with me about (god knows, there seems to be plenty ) Does he like what he does? some people just find it really hard to be self-employed cos in effect you are your own manager. Is it possible to rethink, if not?

[Gwenick]

wild - I guess it depends on the relationship velcrobots' DH's as his with his Dad. If my DH was to talk to my dad I'd be livid. HOWEVER, if he talked to my mum I'd completely understand it as I still talk to my mum on the phone for severals hours (sometimes) a week and we're very close.

[velcrobott]

Obviously I would not speak to FIL in order to be nasty to DH! It is more about sharing my concern, seeing if he can give me some insight or some support and talk himself to his son. In the past FIL has done this with his boys and I know DH respects his dad.
I have told DH that I want to talk to him tonight and wish we can have a good useful conversation... that I am not looking for a fight but for solutions we can agree on... I am hoping DH will be in the right frame of mind.... have been thinking letting him know that we'll talk gives him an opportunity to get his thoughts together rather than feeling pushed against a wall.

[velcrobott]

Well I didn't have the energy to speak to DH.... but seems like no one is particularely interested in this.... maybe it isn't a big deal...

[jojo38]

Its a big deal to you velcro.. as it would be to any sane person.

I do think that telling dh that you are unable to discuss this with him and that you intend to speak to his father about this, is a good idea... ok, I do agree about the loyalty thing but where does one line start and another end? I do see your point too. How about it if you did speak to FIL but tell him that you are concerned about your loyalty to your dh.. could something be done anonymously, perhaps?

Don't give up on the idea. You need to speak to someone. IF dh doesn't like it then surely it can't do anymore harm to the situ, can it? Many hearts and marriages are broken due to finances or lack of. As the saying goes.... the route of all evil... its true in many cases.

Try dh one more time. If things get heated, tell him that you have to speak to someone... and the only one who knows him as well as you is your FIL. You never know, it may kick him into doing something about it.

Best of luck velcro... don't give up.

[open]

Have you tried writing a letter to your dh? It might be one way of putting across your point of view without getting into a row.

Otherwise, speak to your fil. This whole thing is obviously upsetting you and needs to be sorted.

Good luck.

[velcrobott]

Thanks jojo and open.
I will try again today. The morning was spent with him building legos with DS and I cleaned the bathroom, tidied up bedroom and did 1h30 of ironing (with DD in tow), now off to make lunch.
But my mood is quite gloomy to be honest (not helped by runny nose!)

[velcrobott]

I had thought of the letter and may well resort to that.

[open]

velcrobott - how's it going? Have you managed to speak to your dh yet?

[velcrobott]

No I haven't.... something really nasty has happened at work and it has taken all my energy to sort it out.
I will talk to him though... I did make a passing comment tonight when he was doing some online banking : "well you're earning £45/week.... we really need more money to come in, what are you planning to do about it?...." he said he agreed..... but we left it at that. We WILL talk.... thansk for asking it means a lot.