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How can I support her- long sorry

(8 Posts)
smithfield Fri 11-Jul-08 14:20:57

I have not seen a friend of mine for three years now. She lives overseas, where I used to live. She was one of my closest friends, and we have kept in touch sporadically

About 3 years ago her mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. A year or so later my friend discovered she was pg. She never got to tell her mum this because as she was flying home from visiting her mum took a turn for the worst and past away.

My friend had a beautiful little girl.

A year or so later my freind was then diagnosed with cervical cancer.

She began radiotherapy treatment. Then came the devastating news that It was in fact an aggressive form of cancer and she was admitted for an operation which resulted in her having a full hysterectomy.

The day before the operation her partner told her he wanted to end the relationship. (this is the piece of news I have just recieved from her...)Iam shocked that he has done this now, he has always seemed to be a lovely and caring partner.
He has said the relationship is at an end, because she is a difficult woman and there has been too much conflict over the past few years.

He has now moved out, leaving her with no income, or support with the little one.

She is on antidepressants and under a psych. she's managed to get a nanny 1 day a week (government funded). She lost her job whilst on m,aternity leave.

She has now found out her other half has started custody proceedings for the little girl.

To top it off last night her close friend told her partner (my friends partner) had made advances to her whilst my friend was pg shock. Although she doesnt know wether to believe this information, she feels she has also been betrayed by this friend, who failed to tell her this information until now.

Another friend told her that her partner was seen having lunch with another woman in the park, just before he announced the relationship was over.

The point being she does not know if there is anyone else involved. He has said; 'no-one of consequence'.

Currently he refuses to tell her where he is staying, and so she is refusing to allow him to have dd for overnight stays, although he does have her two days during the week currently.

I feel devasted for my friend, and Im at a loss as to how to support her or help her to move forward. Im 12000 miles away, and have two young children.

she is also now trapped in a country that is not her home country, with no family (although she does have some good friends) and having to face the prospect that she will probably never be allowed to return to her home country due to custody issues.

I offered to pay half her flight to come here for a while (which she cannot currently do as she is recieving treatment still).

However, She doubts very much her partner (ex) would allow this trip anyway again due to custody issues.

She has had so much to face; loss of her mother, loss of her health (currently mental and physical), loss of her ability to have more children, loss of the man she believed would be her partner for life.

I am concerned for her mental and physical wellbeing and yet at a loss as to what advice to give her or how to be of any real help.sad

madamez Fri 11-Jul-08 14:25:03

She needs a good lawyer. Can she afford one? Can you help pay for one? If her cancer is terminal then she still has the right to a say in who will have guardianship of her child after her death (was she actually married to her partner? Because the reason he is applying for custody could be less out of malice and more out of a wish to safeguard the child's future if they were not married and the mother is terminally ill).

wheredohairbandsgo Fri 11-Jul-08 14:29:26

This is so very tragic. My heart goes out to your friend.

I am not sure what to say, but didn't want to not answer you.

You yourself know that what you can do is limited but maybe there are a few things you can do.. .

See if she needs any help in the law department, and if you are also able, research things on the net for her. Maybe find some forums to help support her in cancer fight?

Make sure she knows she is always welcome at your place, send her a small gift in the post, ring or email her as often as you can?

tbh if I was her I'd be tempted just to get on that plane and come back here to be close to family and get away from ex. But I suppose legally she wouldn't be allowed? Could she come just for a holiday?

YOu sound like a lovely friend.

smithfield Fri 11-Jul-08 14:31:16

No at this stage, they believe the cancer has been successfully treated- she is recieving radiotherapy though- and Im not sure if she has recieved an 'all clear'.

They are not married and that is a 'very' valid point. Difficult to broach, but vey valid.

I have told her to get a lawyer. In terms of cost I could help out there yes.

smithfield Fri 11-Jul-08 14:36:28

Thanks wheredohairbandsgo- Yes first thing I said was 'Get a lwayer asap'.
I have emailed another contact who used a lawyer where she is for similar to get a name of a good one.

Its hard cos this was 'so' out of the blue, she is focussed on the emotional side...as in did he/was he having an affair etc.

Yes I thought of sending something too. But racking my brain as to what. Dont really want to send flowers.

Ahhh perhaps I could send a fruit basket via interflora??

wheredohairbandsgo Fri 11-Jul-08 14:59:51

Maybe even just a 'thinking of you' card with a heartfelt message inside?

I do hope she recovers well from the cancer.

jesuswhatnext Fri 11-Jul-08 15:07:48

i don't think you need send flowers/fruit etc.

you sound like a very kind, caring friend, all she needs from you is a listening ear and maybe a bolthole she can go to if ex starts 'cutting up rough'

good luck to you both!

smithfield Fri 11-Jul-08 18:55:02

jwn- thanks. Guess I just wanted to send something she'd recieve immediately.

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