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My head is in a mess and need help!!! Sorry it's a long one

(11 Posts)
Kosks Fri 11-Jul-08 11:50:26

My husband told me out of the blue that he no longer felt like he was in love with me and wanted out of our marriage, that things had changed and he feels that he cannot do anything about it as it was too late. We have been together 12 years and have two kids. I said all along that there was something he wasn't telling me that it didn't add up? He left me at the end of may and swore blind there was no one else involved and that he was just being honest about his feelings, and somehow managed to put a lot of the blame on me. This left me with a lot of unanswered questions and insecurities.

We have spoken repeatedly over the weeks since and I have asked him to reconsider and try relate etc to see if we could resolve things, but every time he insists that he can't do it. He has been asked many times by many people whether there was anyone else and each time has insisted there wasn't.

I found out a couple of days ago that he is now seeing someone else, he says that he has only been seeing her for the last three weeks! and has only known her for a couple of months, she was supporting him when he needed someone to talk to.

Am I a complete mug, I feel like he is still lying and that something happened with this girl before we split up and that this is the real cause for why he is so unwilling to try and resolve things with me. He has been working away during the week for the last six months and so I have no way of knowing what the hell he has been up to, but I know his attitude tyowards me and the kids changed dramatically during the course of May, which is when I suspect that something first happened with this girl.

We will be speaking on sunday and I have told him that I want the truth about everything, as I really believe he owes us that much.

I don't know whether I could trust him again and am finding all his lies hard to deal with but I still have to see him because of the children. I really am feeling screwed up at the moment and struggling to hold it together, it is only the children that seem to be keeping me afloat at the moment. I just need some straight answers as he has let me believe I was to blame.

Please help I need to find a way through all this.

ginnny Fri 11-Jul-08 12:11:21

Oh God you poor thing. Exactly the same thing happened to me 5 years ago and I was pg with ds2 at the time. They seem to follow the same pattern of behaviour the world over.
The thing to do now is to look after yourself, take one day at a time and try not to dwell on the "what if's" too much.
Can't talk much now as I'm at work, but I'll pop back later.
Keep your chin up.

ginnny Fri 11-Jul-08 12:11:23

Oh God you poor thing. Exactly the same thing happened to me 5 years ago and I was pg with ds2 at the time. They seem to follow the same pattern of behaviour the world over.
The thing to do now is to look after yourself, take one day at a time and try not to dwell on the "what if's" too much.
Can't talk much now as I'm at work, but I'll pop back later.
Keep your chin up.

fizzymum Fri 11-Jul-08 13:01:58

Kosks I know exactly what you are going through. I agree with ginny that men seem to follow the same pattern of behaviour. My exH was acting totally different towards me, became distant, began to start arguments on purpose etc. He was having an affair but swore blind when I found out that he had only slept with her the once (yeah right). One of the first things my solicitor said to me was that she could guarantee that it had been going on for a lot longer than he would admit to.

When I looked back over the previous months beforehand things just seemed to fit into place ie coming home really late from work, a one off but very unusual, having a bath and putting on his best aftershave before going to supposedly help a mate with some DIY! Believe me all the signs were there but at the time it just didn't cross my mind that that is what he was up to and afterwards I felt so stupid for not seeing it.

These men are just cowards. They haven't got the guts to just end things in a decent way. And then they don't even respect you enough to tell you the truth, that they fucked up and had an affair whilst they were with you.

Kosks you are not to blame. That is his way of trying to ease his guilt. My ex started to cause arguments to justify his affair, to make out like we didn't get on anyway so why not!

Big hugs xxx

macdoodle Fri 11-Jul-08 13:05:56

Same here Much sympathy I think there is a hidden manual - how to have an affair lie to your wife keep changing your mind fuck with her head and blame her for everything !

captainmummy Fri 11-Jul-08 13:15:18

Kosks - does it matter? He's left now, whether he was seeing her before or not, why does it bother you? Let it go. You're bettter off without him anyway.

mrsmaddyd Fri 11-Jul-08 13:28:16

If hes left and sleeping with another woman do you really truley want him back.Wether she is the reason for his change of heart or not he has left you for her.

You need to be strong. Put on a brave face especially when hes around. And when he does evenually come crawling back as most do whern they see there ex other half coping and happy then i hope your strong enough to turn him away.

Sometimes you can make it work after an affair but he has to want it as much as you.

You deserve better. I know it hurts really bad at present but you can get through it. He has said he doesnt love you and having him back wont change that so do you really need to be in a one sided relationship. And could you ever trust him again.

simplicity Fri 11-Jul-08 13:44:59

He may well have been telling the truth that he was not involved with anyone else, but I am quite sure this person he befriended he had crossed the boundary with this feelings which made him question his relationship. With the best will in the world it is okay saying you are better off without him, but when you still have feelings for someone you do not feel you are better off without them.

You need to do what you feel is best for yourself and your children and don't feel guilty about how you feel about it. Peoples circumstances differ although the events might be similar.

Take care.

BalloonSlayer Fri 11-Jul-08 15:22:49

The trouble is you still might not get the truth on Sunday.

I remember my ex-H getting in a state of totally plausible righteous anger with me when I kept insisting that there must have been someone else - to me it was quite obvious. But no, how could I keep questioning him - the most trustworthy, moral guy in the world [his view, I stress]. I gave up asking at that point because I felt that I had insulted him soooo much and after all he was soooo sorry about what he was putting me through, that he wouldn't possibly lie to me when I kept saying that all I wanted to the truth. Would he...?

Fast forward 16 years and I still don't know. But I have heard of so many break-ups where the bloke has said the same and it has always turned out that he had someone else all along, that I believe all the more strongly that my instinct was correct.

The awful thing is that it matters SO much to you now to have the truth. And yes you deserve the truth. But you also deserve a husband who will keep his wedding vows. And we don't always get what we deserve.

Do keep posting. There are lots of women here who have been down the same road. Hope you're ok.

Kosks Fri 11-Jul-08 16:46:35

Thanks for all you support and advice, I feel like my mind is continuously working over time trying to work everything out and where / how to to start myself off again while still supporting my girls as they are hurting just as much as me. Mind you N seems to think they are just fine and if I tell him how they are feeling then apperently I am using it as weapon against him - so not really expecting much support as far as the kids are concerned, he seems to have other priorities ie himself and how he feels!!!

ginnny Fri 11-Jul-08 17:23:44

Try not to think about things too much (easier said than done), try to concentrate on getting through today and take it a day at a time. You are grieving and it won't happen overnight but you will be happy again and ime men that do this don't very often end up happy at all, they usually realise what a mistake they have made when it is too late.
I agree with the others who say put a brave face on in front of him. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset.
Hope this helps - you will get through this and your dds will respect you for being strong and lose all respect for their father for doing this to them.
Good Luck.

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