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am I being unreasonable in asking h to dump the woman he is having an affair with so we can become amicable

(65 Posts)
averyquickex Thu 10-Jul-08 20:35:41

basically we split up 2 months ago because he was seeing someone else, who he is still seeing. basically, she is 23, he is 33. not saying age gaps dont work, but I cannot see this being 'it' for him.

I do want us to be amicable for the sake of ds. But I can only do that if he has enough respect for me to finish with her so we can be friends. I cannot stand hvaing my face rubbed in the dirt (or feeling like that) every time I see him. It is not good for ds to see us together.
For his sake, I think he should meet me halfway - if I am willing to be his friend after what he has done to me, then he should be willing to finish with her. Then I would know that he is respecting my needs (ie to not continue to be disrespected) too.

DiscoDizzy Thu 10-Jul-08 20:37:41

Sorry to hear this, obviously he has been a shit, but expecting him to dump her when he appears to wish to be with her and he is no longer with you (sorry) is a bit unfair.

greenelizabeth Thu 10-Jul-08 20:38:16

No don't. Instead of being a move towards being amicable, it will be you trying to control him. I sympathise I REALLY do. But you can't tell him where to work, who to see, what to spend his money on any more.

YOU HAVE TO LEARN NOT TO CARE ANY MORE.

DiscoDizzy Thu 10-Jul-08 20:38:35

Obviously having the affair wasn't right in the first place. I meant that if there is no chance of you getting back together. Maybe I should get my coat. I know what i'm trying to say but not sure its coming out right.

NotDoingTheHousework Thu 10-Jul-08 20:38:46

Message withdrawn

DiscoDizzy Thu 10-Jul-08 20:39:37

Phew, no need to get my coat.

averyquickex Thu 10-Jul-08 20:39:51

but how can I be amicable towards him (for the sake of ds - I personally dont care if I never see him again) when he continues to totally disrespect me, and every time I see him I am reminded of that?

abouteve Thu 10-Jul-08 20:40:21

If you split up with him because he was seeing her, then I don't see why he would finish it now, sorry. Men don't want to be on there own and I guess he doesn't see why he should give her up when the damage has been done.

Believe it or not I think you can move on quicker if you know he is still having this relationship. Better that than him attempting to too and fro.

expatinscotland Thu 10-Jul-08 20:41:27

He's not going to dump her, not for you. You want him to respect you after he's been cheating on you and left you for someone else? You're more likely to win the lotto, because if he had any respect for you he'd have at least had the balls to tell you your marriage was in trouble before shagging someone else.

Instead, see a solicitor.

Apply to divorce him on grounds of adultery. Name her as the other party.

Stop trying to keep him as a friend. Would you do what he did to your friend?

See him as your ex husband and the father of your child and the end of your relationship as a rather unpleasant business transaction that needs sorting.

BecauseImWorthIt Thu 10-Jul-08 20:41:35

Unfortunately it's not about you any more.

He has moved on and has a right (sorry) to another relationship. You can't dictate to him any more than he could dictate to you. And sadly you have to respect that right.

Doodle2U Thu 10-Jul-08 20:42:42

I don't know if 'unreasonable' is the right word but I think you need to readjust your expectations as to what 'respecting your needs' constitutes.

You won't be his 'friend' either. You're his EX and the mother of his child. Friendship is not realistic at this stage, IMHO.

I think you've got to get passed this other bird and focus on your son's needs now and try to remain as amicable as possible for your son's benefit, even if it feels almost impossible for you sometimes.

I'm sorry for what has happened to you.

hunkermunker Thu 10-Jul-08 20:43:25

He's already shown you no respect at all.

You are either grown up enough to conduct a civil relationship with him for the sake of your DS or you aren't.

Sucks though.

averyquickex Thu 10-Jul-08 20:43:33

so then, how do I keep it amicable for ds?

he will be affected by all of the tension when he is collected, he will feel that his mum and dad dont like each other. how can that be minimised?

abouteve Thu 10-Jul-08 20:44:01

You know that nasty facts, nothing he can throw at you now will ever hurt you as much, so you can move on. You don't have to like him now, who would, but you can learn to accept and be amicable in time.

DiscoDizzy Thu 10-Jul-08 20:44:37

Do you want him to dump her really so things can be amicable or more perhaps because you want revenge on her for splitting you up and maybe if he's single again there's a chance you'd get him back. That'd be my way of thinking TBH.

beaniesteve Thu 10-Jul-08 20:45:50

He has disrespected you by having the affair. That he continues to see the other woman now that you have ompletey split it just shit but there's nothing you can do about it. For the sake of your child you need to move on IMO.

expatinscotland Thu 10-Jul-08 20:46:10

'Men don't want to be on there own '

No, weak-willed, immature people - both male and female - go from relationship to relationship because they're too sad to work out who they are and be comfortable in their own company. They constantly need a prop/crutch in another person.

They're destined for the life of drama they seem to crave, and they're best left to it.

Right now, OP, you need to move on - to having a great relationship with yourself and those who love you before even considering someone else.

The divorced gal in this month's Easy Living said it best, 'I filled the void he created in my life with this dog, and in the first few years worked on finding the inner-happiness and strangth I need to be really happy in a relationship.'

expatinscotland Thu 10-Jul-08 20:47:00

You keep it civil, avery.

Amicable will need to wait a while till the feelings change with time.

averyquickex Thu 10-Jul-08 20:48:30

I think I am annoyed that he just wrote off a very long marriage just over a year after we had become a family. At that point it could have been saved, but we basically pulled apart more and more.

I really dont want him back, but I do want to be able to do things as a family for ds - say, his birthday or taking him somewhere.

It makes me so sad, as there was nothing that made ds happier than being with BOTH parents, but h just chucked it all away. He was totally selfish, and I suppose I want to believe that I wasnt married for such a long time to someone who can act so selfishly and disregard everything we had.

zippitippitoes Thu 10-Jul-08 20:49:38

well i think you are delkuding yiourself to think that he is going to do anything you ask

aqnd there really isnt any reason why he would

its unlikely you will be friends for a good while to come

tho nothing to stop you both wanting the best for ds

averyquickex Thu 10-Jul-08 20:50:12

and I really do NOT want ds to have any contact with the woman who helped to split up his family. I know there is nothing I can do about this if he wanted to, so I guess I am trying to stop it from happening...

Carmenere Thu 10-Jul-08 20:50:44

Well you are the one that can affect how your ds perceives the relationship between you and your ex. Pretend you don't care. You won't eventually, so do the decent thing and for the time being, pretend everything is ok.
I have the world of respect for mothers who put their children before their feelings when it comes to crappy ex's. It is obviously a very difficult thing to do. But it makes you a better person.
You wounds are raw, time will make it all easier but for now, stop trying to assert yourself because you are your ds's mother, just pretend things are ok for him. They will be eventually.

zippitippitoes Thu 10-Jul-08 20:50:59

you cant stop it from happening

you are wasting energy in these directgions

prettyfly1 Thu 10-Jul-08 20:51:16

sweet you have always been kind with me so i dont want to say something you dont want to hear but yes this is unfair. i can understand how hurt you are but if you are not with him you dont have the right to dictate whom he sees and her age is irrelevant. be the bigger woman that you are and let it be.

beaniesteve Thu 10-Jul-08 20:53:35

"No, weak-willed, immature people - both male and female - go from relationship to relationship because they're too sad to work out who they are and be comfortable in their own company. They constantly need a prop/crutch in another person."

Gaaahhhhh - but this doesn't mean that every person who goes from one relationship to another is weak wiled and immature !!

I left someone I had been with for years to be with someone else because I was no loger in love with my ex. I am not weak willed and I will not make a habit of this.

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