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after an affair

(19 Posts)
lolo25 Thu 10-Jul-08 16:49:38

hi, im new to this site, wondered if anyone is going through anything similar or has and have managed to survive it. I have 2 young children and am over 8 months pregnant. My partner of nearly 11 years has been having an online/texting relationship with another woman. Ive only just found out and he has admitted it. He spent the weekend with her after telling me he was going on a really important course for work. i found her number and rang her, he told her wed been split for ages and i was only pregnant becuse we had a one night stand again after a party. he says they never had sex together and she told me they shared a bed but never had sex. I dont see why she would lie she lives miles away for a start and was genuinely sorry for me. Its the deceit and betrayal that realy hurt the most andthat hed be willing to grisk everything for a fling!Am i being stupid in wanting to try and work things out? He says hes so sorry and that he still loves me but does have some feelings for this other woman, tho she doesnt want to know him now anyway. He says hel move out as he cant expect ill want him now, but surely he should want to fight for me?I asked him if he still wants me an he said he doesnt know what he wants anymore, doesnt know who he is and doesnt like himself! Sorry for long ramble but really confused and still very raw!thanx

loopylou6 Thu 10-Jul-08 16:53:09

i think you need to cut your losses and move on, very sorry for you though sad

greenelizabeth Thu 10-Jul-08 16:54:52

Poor you. Do you want to save the relationship? I've read lots of similar situations on MUMSNET and ususally the poster says they are devastated and paralysed.

NOTHING wrong with being strong, and you do sound quite strong in your post.

I'm single, so I can give you as good advice as some other MNers who've been through this.

littlewoman Thu 10-Jul-08 17:20:17

No, you aren't stupid to want to work at it. Families are worth fighting for. How about suggesting marriage guidance to him? It can really help.

I know there are others on here who've been through this. Hope they'll be along soon.

HappyWoman Thu 10-Jul-08 17:36:00

Dont believe what she has said - i had a friend in the same position - when wife phoned she lied hmm she never saw him again but i still dont understand why she did not tell the wife the truth - sorry.

It sounds a bit like classic - been caught out behaviour imo. And only now is he prepared to tell you he is not sure what he wants. He is saying he does not like himself because he wants your sympathy. Let him sort it out if he wants to he will find a way.

Be strong and find out what you want now - and it will hard for a while.
Sorry you are going through this - i have survived an affair but it is not easy.

itati Thu 10-Jul-08 17:37:38

I am sorry for you.sad

I was wondering if the woman feels guilty now she knows about you and is denying any sex to try and help?

You need to talk to him honestly and it isn't about whether he still wants to be with you - do you still want him??

ladystardust Thu 10-Jul-08 19:14:57

Can't quote exact figures (sorry) but there is quite high statistic of men 'straying' when partners are pregnant.
Of course we are not remotely interested in their reasons - this is about you.
As if imminent parenthood wasn't enough to be dealing with.

There is also strange 'man' behaviour to do with being found out and wanting to be forgiven /punished? wanting attention anyway.
You'll be having one baby to deal with, do you really want two?

AuntieMaggie Thu 10-Jul-08 19:28:00

So sorry you're having to go through this

I found out my DP did something similar about a year ago, though it was only text and email stuff and she sent him some pics in her underwear, but he never did anything physical with her(i believe him). But it broke my heart because he was the one man I've been out with that I thought would never do that to me.

We stayed together and are working through it, but if I found out they had shared a bed (regardless if they had sex) and he'd lied to me to be with her then I would be out of there. But I'm not you and I don't have your commitments.

The one thing I can honestly say to you is that counselling will help you if you can get it. It gives you someone completely independant to rant at about it and explore your feelings with before you decide what you want to do, and has helped me tremendously. Then if you decide to stay together you might want to try couples counselling to try to get over this.

I had counselling, as did my partner separately, and I'm glad he did too because his counsellor helped him see objectively how he was being unfair to me both by doing what he did and his supposed reasons for doing it.

I'll warn you - it's really hard to stay together. Even now I have days where out of nowhere I'll doubt him and have to check his mobile and stuff. But they are getting less and less, and to be honest apart from the trust issue we're getting on better than we were before, but it still hurts and it still causes rows sometimes.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you what ever you decide.

bubblagirl Thu 10-Jul-08 19:30:52

i think for time being he is saying his not sure then you cant fight for him as he doesnt know what he wants and should be fighting for you

i'm really sorry for what your going through but at moment his been caught out and needs time away from you too know what his missing

not sure how old you are but he sounds like he doesnt want to grow up just yet and you need to be strong for your children and unborn baby

tell him you need time and let him sort his head out he may realise what he is about to lose and make a real go of it if not you know where you stand and you will be able to move on but first you need to concentrate on yourself and your dc

beaniesteve Thu 10-Jul-08 19:35:05

If you want to work on it then I think you should, but on your terms completely. If you want counselling he should agree to it if he wants to make it work. Also don't ever let him get away wth saying it was your fault it happened.

Yes he should want to fight for you, you need to find out how strong his desire is to do that before you do anything.

you sound strong, I hope it works out.

girlnextdoor Thu 10-Jul-08 19:52:36

For the sake of your 3 kids i think you need to try to work it out- try counselling and see what that does.

Lots of marriages survive and affair- they won't be the same as before, but they can survive.

Give it and him a chance- you can always end it but you need- both of you- to put the kids first.

sasa15 Thu 10-Jul-08 20:40:32

I've been in the same situation...I didn't know who I was ...and what I dh tried a bit I wouldn't say hard--at the beginning when I told him...but I didn't like him then....and 6 months later..when I realised what I was doing...and I expected ...him coming back with big hug...we were not in sink...anymore...he didn't want to try..........I still love him...but it's not possible...too much water under the bridge...he keep saying...and now we are getting paper ready for divorce...

I'm still seeing the but it will never will be the same!!!!!

I don't know....

but He didn't try to hard..........maybe...I don't know...maybe after lying and cheating....who does have the enrgy to try hard????
ds 4 years old....hopefully we all be all right.......and good luck...if you are both with the same feeling at the same time...there is still hope...I don't know why someone has to look for someone else if you ahve already a good family!

lolo25 Fri 11-Jul-08 08:26:58

Thanx for all your replies. I dont know if i am being stupid in wanting to work things through but i honestly cant imagine my life an my kids otherwise. He says he cant even look at me for what hes done and he doesnt deserve me. He said he still loves me and says that it is nothing at all ive done, hes not trying to put any blame on me(not that i think i deserve any anyway). He also is not trying to excuse what hes done, he says he knows hes scum and is the lowest of the low, but he says that to do what hes done he obviously has major issues in himself a.d he says he needs space to sort himself out first. He also admits that its not just me hes betrayed but our kids as well, but he cant say any reason why hes done it. I dont know, still really confused right now, i hwish i could hate him but i cant,i hate what hes done but i dont hate him.Am i wierd?Im 29 and hes 32, so yeah he does definately need to grow up! Thanx

ladylush Fri 11-Jul-08 10:00:42

You poor thing sad Like Happywoman and iata said, I wouldn't trust the OW to tell the truth. Many go for damage limitation because hard as it is to believe, some of them feel guilty for the hurt they've caused. This is what happened to me. OW knew I had busted them and that I had proof they'd slept together. She lied about the amount of times they'd slept together and made it seem as if they hadn't slept together for months, also a lie. If he is avoiding you, maybe he is not being completely honest.

girlnextdoor Fri 11-Jul-08 11:11:36

i think his idea that he needs space for himself is a bit of a cop-out really. It' s a bit ostrich/burying his head in sand.

are you letting him get away with that attitude? If I were you, I'd be saying there ie no future at all, unless he agrees to counselling to help sort out why he did it, and what he feels now- I don't honestly think he will find the answer to that in his own head by shutting you out. he's just not really facing up to it in a mature way.

maturer Tue 15-Jul-08 22:15:00

lolo25, don't browse as often as I used to but spotted your thread and had to reply.

About 5 years ago i came to MN in despair as my dh of 16yrs (then-been a couple 20)had an affair with a work colleague. It was so completely out of the blue and there was nothing much wrong with us at the time...the problem it turns out was within him (long story short..the need to be needed- him being made redundant and having to make lots of others full on in a new career...not making excuses all his choices and he had to live with the consiquences of his actions....but you do have to try and make some sense of it especially if you want to move on)

Anyway we stayed together-not the easy option at the time as it was very painful but my first reaction was to pull him closer and fight for us (we have 3 kids). I knew that what we'd had together for the years upto this point was fantastic and I refused to believe he really wanted her and not the life he seemed to be throwing away.He came so close to losing everything as he "lost the plot" for a good part of a year.The turning point was when he put himself in counselling to sort his head out...only then did he make some sense of what he'd done and why and we slowly very slowly moved on.

The thing I want to say is we are closer and stronger having survived this together and I don't regret for 1 minute following my gut instinct and fighting for "us" (as quite frankly at the time he was too weak and pathetic to see the obvious)It is not an easy option for you but you are certainly not stupid or weak thinking about trying ot make it work. Only you know what you had before this and if it's worth fighting for. The choice is yours now...he's really given up the right to chose if you go on together or not...BUT if he's truely sorry he'll do everything in his power to try sort out his head...and make it right again.

By the way you don't have to forgive...some things are certainlly can't forget...but what you will need to do with time is to make some sense of what happened and try and make some peace with it in your own head. He has to do evrything he can to make you feel secure again...complete honest talking about what happened and be prepared to deal with your grief (I call it that because it's just like a grieving process. You can survive, you can get closer and move on it's not easy but some things are woth fighting for and you are the strong one at the moment.
Good luck and take care of yourself.

MollyCherry Thu 17-Jul-08 01:44:32

My fiance of 4 years did something similar to me (no kids at the time).

It all came out on Christmas Eve on the 4th anniversary of us getting engaged - initally that he didn't know how he felt for me any more, that we were living under the same roof but not really a couple etc (I was a full time post-grad student at the time and we were both working our arses off to make ends meet). After a couple of days of atmosphere I moved back to my parents, and shortly after it came out that he'd been having a similar kind of relationship to the one you describe with a woman he worked with.

I was totally convinced it was over for good and moving on with my life very successfully but we kept in touch and eventually got back together 4 1/2 months later. He proposed (for the 2nd time!) after we'd been back together for a year, and we've now been married for 5 years and have a gorgeous little girl who is nearly 4.

I think it would not be a bad idea to let him move out for a bit so you can both have some space - although I realise the timing with you being over 8 months pg is appalling, but if you go down this road you need to be absolutely clear whether it is genuinely space to work things out and you will both put heart and soul into doing that, or whether it's just cushioning the blow of saying it's over.

Hope it all works out for you.

PS - I refused to move back in with my hubby until after we were married, and he knows this second chance will be the only one he ever gets with me. I fhappens again he will be minus his wife, daughter and possibly his cock! grin

sparky68 Tue 05-Aug-08 21:46:34

HI i am new to the site,i had to share this otherwise i might go crazy, in april i found out my husband had been having an affair, he had been loosing weight and hiding his phone or turning it off once home, to save the battery !, our sex life went to nil, he was in another planet half the time, i checked his phone one day and found a text from a young woman at his works, she is not english,from western europe. anyway i went mad he has and still is not saying anything went on, just friends, he lied to me about her and put her before me and our kids, he has defended her too,i have found out lots since but he wont talk about it,after 19yrs of being together you know when something has gone on. i sit alone at night once kids in bed and still after these few months i keep thinking about them together etc, his in his 50s so was it a mid life crisis, i dont even know if i still love him like i used to, i am 12yrs younger than him,yet he still went with someone younger than me, i just need no more lies and the truth but he wont give it to me,she even phoned me up and called me a jealous woman, thats why he lied to me.i am so confused and numb inside, trying to make myself feel good , look gorgeous, he made me feel so ugly and old,i try for our kids, he was married but left her for me, so now i know how she felt i deserve this ? is it what goes around comes around .I hope not and i still hurt and dont trust him, sorry for going on everyone.

sparky68 Tue 05-Aug-08 22:00:19

sorry also i meant to add i know what your going through, be strong i know its confusing i am confused too, but i am sure we can get through it, it just hurts and the lies are worse when you know they have lied sad,BUT REMEMBER YOU ARE GORGEOUS !!.

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