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Can anyone please help? Problems between DH and my family

(6 Posts)
magicstatue Thu 10-Jul-08 16:19:52

I've posted about this in the past but time has been passing and I thought before it was all moving in the right direction but now I'm much less confident about it.

Basically, after DS (now 3) was born I had very bad PND and was in the local mother and baby unit in the psychiatric hospital for a few months. During that time the relationship between my parents and DH, which was never that great, deteriorated further. My family don't want DH anywhere near them, won't have him come to their house etc. This has made things difficult but I managed and just got through - would go to my parents with DS but not DH. DH is not happy about it but wants DS to have a good relationship with his grandparents so tolerated it.

Just recently I've had a recurrance of anxiety - it seems to have gone now but I'm still not feeling great. I've also been having therapy but my therapist has left and I'm waiting to start with someone new. It's raised a lot of thoughts and feelings and I'm feeling quite shaken by it all. It makes me very tense and weepy and it's driving DH mad. It's all at the stage now where I can't make any kind of decision for myself at all, especially relating to social situations and personal relationships. I'm even not sure that posting on here is a good idea. DH has to help me through all of it and, reasonably, he's sick to death of it now. He feels, quite rightly, that I have other family and so shouldn't be dumping it all on him to sort out.

The final straw is the bad relationship between him and my family. I want this to be addressed and want to tell them that they have to be more welcoming and friendly. I blame myself for a lot of this as I think part of my problem is compulsively telling people what they want to hear rather than the straight truth and I've made it all really warped. I've done this before in relationships with boyfriends that I've had and caused an awful mess in the relationships between them and my family. Does anyone have any ideas about how I can try to sort this out? What can I say to them to at least make them more accepting of DH?

I'm sorry to be posting about this and for this post being so long, I'm just feeling very low right now and wise words from someone out there would be great now. I'm at work at the moment and frankly I'm scared to go home because of the row that we'll almost certainly have (again).

loopylou6 Thu 10-Jul-08 16:43:30

why does your dh not get on with your parents? and tbh i dont think your dh is justified in saying he shouldnt have to shoulder all your problems himself as you have other familey, when he married you he sort of 'took you off your parents hands and became 'responsable' for you' IYSWIM

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 10-Jul-08 16:46:06

Not sure what to suggest, but wanted to say something...sounds like you are taking steps to help yourself with the therapy and posting on here is a very good idea. Sounds also like your DH is getting intolerant of your needs which may be because he is feeling snowed under with responsibility. I'm not sure where you go with that one...hmm
Regarding your family, you need to express what you feel and also set the record straight on any misconceptions they may have. Take responsibility for causing any confusion. It's not easy to be hated by a partner's family because they have the wrong impression - an ex of mine had paranoid delusions that his family preferred to believe rather than accept the truth and it was very hard, knowing I was there for their son and they hated me because he had probably told them I was an evil bitch who was shagging around on him, or whatever it was.
Maybe do it in writing if you feel too anxious to say in person?

hopeful1 Thu 10-Jul-08 16:47:36

Hi magicstatue,

Poor you sounds like you are having a really rough time at the moment.

Why does your family dislike your DH so much?? Is he a good man....he sure sounds like it.

I think you need to say to your parents that things have been very diffuclt for you in the past and that you are still having a tough time and them not getting on with your DH is putting a real strain on not just you but your relationship with DH.

I suppose if it was me I would not take my child round to see them, they except my choice of husband and see us as one family unit or they dont get to see any of us. They have to understand what a strain this is for you and if they are going to continue to be difficult then you may not be able to see them for a while. Are you able to talk to your parents okay?

I really feel for you honey but the most important thing is your marriage and need to protect that....which is what your family need to know. Set some boundaries with them and stick to them.

Good luck x

dweezle Thu 10-Jul-08 16:48:46

Why don't your parents want to have anything to do with your DH. Sorry, but your parents should be thinking about you and your feelings - you are obviously feeling very raw and anxious, and they are not helping you with this rift with your DH. This is wrong. Your relationship with DH is the most important - he has obviously been supportive and desrves some credit for that from your family. You need to take care of yourself and your DS, and take care of your relationship with your DH. Don't put yourself out too much for the rest of your family. Hoping you get your new therapist soon,

jesuswhatnext Thu 10-Jul-08 17:01:48

hi magic - one thing i would like to say is that you say your dh is 'sick to death' of your illness and that you 'have other family', actually, i don't think that his attitude is 'resonable' - he is your husband, you and your child should be THE most important people in his life, he married you 'in sickness and in health' and HE SHOULD be the one 'to sort it out'.

you are not 'dumping on him', by anyones standards you are poorly and need his unconditional love/help and understanding, yes, he may find it hard going at times, tough, he is an adult, and he chose to have a wife and family and sometimes life gets a bit shitty.

there is support out there for him as well as you, get him to post on here sometimes grin i'm sure the wise mumsnetters would be only to willing to give any help/advice he askes for.

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