Step families, second families etc

[Zaha]

Hi...This might be the wrong place to bring this up cos I'm not actually a 'real' mum... but my partner of 5 years has a child who is now 8 years old and who lives with him all the time. I lived with them both for 2 years, and jointly took care of the child. Needless to say this was a big shock for me, never having had any experience of children.

We have had a really bad time lately and I moved out. One major problem which seems insoluble is that he says he absolutely doesn't want any more kids since he has given up so much of his freedom and to be frank he resents this. I am not at all desperate for children, but I'm not prepared to rule out having some in the future.

We feel like we'll have to split up over this and its putting a big strain on us. This is on top of the fact that I feel totally alone with all the problems of trying to build a relationship when there's never enough time/space etc...

I don't know any one who is a stepparent and I feel my partner doesn't appreciate the effort involved and can't talk about any negative feelings... Please, please is there anyone out there who is in a similar situation or has got through something like this???

[Sml]

Zaha,
I am a step parent, not in the situation you describe, but can certainly appreciate the contribution from your side. It does sound a difficult situation, there are just two things I would like to comment on, apologies if it sounds bossy or nosey, we are anonymous thank goodness!!
First, why does your partner's child live with him if he resents giving up his freedom? This sounds most unfair to the poor child.
Secondly, I know someone else who, like you, married a man who already had one son and persuaded her that they didn't want any more children. She accepted this, but I thought it was really selfish of him!! It's not just you having children, but possibly your parents having grandchildren as well, and your step-child having brothers and sisters which maybe he/she would like. I am sure this man must have a lot going for him, but here goes ... his attitude towards his children does sound immature and selfish.

[Malaga]

Hi Zaha, Sorry to be so frank, but he sounds like one selfish man! He seems to put his freedom first and anything you or his child might want a firm second. I live with a step father (he is s.f. to my eleven year old daughter) and we also have a three year old son. Plus, I am step mum to his eleven year old daughter - although, as she lives far away with her grandparents, we do not see her too often. However, we try to make all the kids feel loved and wanted. It's not always easy, and finding time for us is really hard. However, they also bring us a lot of satisfaction and joy - which is what it's all about, and for your partner to deny you the possibility of that does not seem fair. I agree with you, there is a lot of effort involved with any type of childcare and he should be thanking you for helping. It all does sound really difficult - is there not a chance for the child to sometime stay at another relatives home to give you a chance to be together? Regards, Malaga

[Rachel1969]

I'm working on an article about stepfamilies - I'm going to do it along the lines of 'The anatomy of s stepfamily'
What it would involve would be me interviewing a man and woman who had children and went on to divorce. I would then also interview their new partners.
It would all about the pain you go through and how you deal with it - how it can be a positive experience even though people often have a negative view of stepfamilies - and also explore whether it's possible to remain grown up about it all, and if so how.
If anyone's interested in taking part you can email me at [email protected] and i'll explain more

[Perempuan]

I had been separated from my husband for about 2 yrs.We are still friend until a couple of months ago.I now wants to divorce him,it may take 4 or more months before the divorce is finalise.This is the usual time in western Australia.One of the reasons we don't get along is disagreement about how to discipline our 3 yrs old son.I'm always proud that my husband is a good father.I mean in financial sense and childcare resposibilities.Now he wash his hand completely from our son.Come to think about it I am the main carer of our son.He only play with our son,that if only I bring our son to his place.He have stop child maintainan.So now I can't see any constibution on his part other than being a sperm donor fullstop.I had ask him so many time to pick our son from my place,he have not once do it.I do not want to be the only one who bring our son over to his place.Especially when I do not know his whereabout.I mean sometimes he not home when he know we coming.

I have been thinking about divorce 2 yrs ago.I am not rushing into relationship but I do not want to standback either.Both me & my our son is not getting any younger.What stop me no.1 stepfamilies seem imposible for me.From what I can see from real life situation,which is only two,they are my neighbour,step-parent could never love their step child/ren as their ownor like their own they don't treat them the same.

I'm calling to all step-parents out there,please answer me that this is not true.

[Rachel1969]

Hi - it's me again. I know I said rachel1969 had left the face of the planet, but I'm DESPERATE for some help on a piece I'm working on and thought I'd bring her back to life.
I'm working on a piece about women who are second wives to talk about all that that entails. How they cope with being step-mums, their partners relationship with his ex wife, whether they think that a second marriage has more chance of working for a man if he learnt from the mistakes he made in his first.
Please please, if anyone can help would you email me at [email protected]
Thanks so much
Also while I'm on if anyone else wants to go on my database can you email me your email and I'll put you on. As many of you already know I just send you out wierd and wonderful requests for help on the various parenting and relationship type articles I write.
Take care all
rachel

[Akah123]

I have recently married a very lovely man with a past including a five year old girl. I met her when she was three and she never knew her parents together (Mum left when baby was 6 months) so she has always accepted me as a friend/playmate.
My problem is how he deals with her. He is lovely and reasonable on his own. She is well behaved when I take her to the park etc., because I expect it and will discipline her if she misbehaves (no smacking involved, promise!). Put those two together and she becomes impossible, loud, rude and he never says a word and I get yelled at for trying to reprimand her.
I know he only sees her at weekends but the constant present buying and taking on rides at the park... to me money should not be used as a substitute for love and she is at an age where this is becoming more obvious.
Are there any tactics anyone can suggest as to how to deal with this? I spend most weekends when she is with us now in tears due to frustration.
One of my main concerns is what will happen if we have children...

[Willow2]

What I can't understand are women, who, previous to getting the ring on their finger, are lovely to their partner's children, but once married turn into step-witches from hell who do all they can to drive a wedge between parent and child. It doesn't matter how old the children are - my siblings and I range in age from late twenties to mid thirties - this sort of behaviour is always damaging to the children, and I presume the father. My father re-married about fifteen years ago, she was lovely pre-wedding, but has since turned out to be the biggest bitch I have ever come into contact with. Recently friends of my fathers, who also happen to be in contact with my mother, went to stay. I had been ill and in hospital and they made the mistake of asking how I was doing. Before my father could reply she stated "we do not talk about his children in this house". Don't think she was expecting it to get back to me - then again maybe she knew it would. Her viciousness, coupled with my father's complete inability to stand up for his children, leaves me in despair. How am I meant to act around this woman in the future? She pretends to be as sweet as pie but invariably can't resist an evil comment when she thinks the coast is clear. I am getting to the stage where I just want to knock her out. Any suggestions?

[Tigermoth]

Akah123,I have no first hand experience of being a second wife or stepmother, so can't offer much insight, just sympathy.

First thing I'd say is that our two children (7 and 2) definitely have a different relationship with mummy and daddy. The oldest says mummy is kinder to him. Even the youngest, at 2 years old, seems to think he can get away with more when he's with me (despite my very best efforts!). When mummy can't make him eat his supper, daddy often can. I assure you I do lots of disciplining as well. Looking around me, this difference in perception ( good cop/ bad cop) seems to be quite common. What I'm getting at is that this girl may always relate to each of you a little differently. It's not just because she is with one 'real' parent and one who is not.

Does your dh leave all the disciplining to you? If so, as I'm sure you know, that's bound to make this girl feel she has to behave when she is with you alone.

Also, she may well be enjoying playing one of you off against the other. Our 7 year old does this. Nothing pleases him more than daddy telling off mummy for not telling off him (or visa versa). It's soooo entertaining and it really lets ds off the hook! Dh and I try really hard not to do this in front of ds. But what's more, if one of us tells off the other about a discipline matter in front of our son, it really chips away at ds's respect for us, making it even more likely he will play up again.

So if you find yourself out with dh and his daughter is misbehaving, I'd say try to avoid any disagreements on discipline in front of his daughter. That's really hard for you, though, because it means tolerating behaviour that stresses you out.

I'm sure you've talked to your husband at great length, so you may have covered all this, but here are some suggested tactics:

Tell your husband that he is doing his daughter absolutely no favours by ignoring her bad behaviour. If she has little respect for other adults, she could have problems fitting in at school and leaning properly. She is just reaching school age, after all. If she's rude and uncontrollable in public, her friends parents will not be very impressed, and she may not get invited to parties and sleepovers etc.

If this falls on deaf ears, you could simply state that much as you love them both, his daughter's bad behavior when you are out together causes you too much stress, so if you reach crisis point, you will have to part company with them for a few hours. If you actually do this, it might shock them both into taking your needs into consideration too. And if your husband relies on you to discipline, a little time alone with his misbehaving daughter may alter his views on the necessity of control.

Good luck!

[Tigermoth]

PS Willow2, I wasn't skipping your message! I simply can't think what to do in your situation, but hope it helps having a rant here. It sounds like you stepmother is very insecure - but I'm sure you know that already.

[Lauralou]

Hi 'mums'!! Im a student at university and I am studying the way the family is portrayed in British soap operas such as Eastenders and Cornation Street...so if you are a fan I would love your input? Im desperate to know how you guys feel about the portrayals of family life. I would love it if you could possibly just give me some brief answers to any of my questions or just let me know how you feel on the subject!

How far do you think the portrayal of different knids of family life within soaps reflects real life circumstances?
Do you think soaps and the families within them provide a role model for society?
Can you identify with any of the characters on either Eastenders or Corrie?
Do you think 'the family' in general is in a state of crisis within Britain at the moment? If so why?
What are your views as to the 'ideal' type of family form? Do you think it is best for parents to be married when they have children? Do you feel children benefit with two parents or do they do just as well in life in a single-parent family? etc
If you would like to email me personally with any views or opinions, my contact address is [email protected]
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and I would be soooooo grateful for any replies! Take care! Bye!

[rachel1969]

AKAH123 - any chance you would be interested in taking part in this piece? If you are please contact me at [email protected]
THANKS