Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Old friend getting back in touch - do i reply

(5 Posts)
halia Thu 10-Jul-08 09:57:23

this is a bit of a story and I've tried to keep it anon but I really need some advice.

4 years ago my oldest friend and his wife were in a difficult situaiton, she had cancer and it was progressive. I was pregnant with DS at the time and tried to offer help but knew they were relying more on his wife's friends and circle.

Now me and his wife had never got on brilliantly but I made an effort and we'd built a reasonable relationship up. I was incredible sad to hear she was dying and tried to make sure he knew I was here if he needed me, I was pregnant with DS at the time and asked my friend to be the godfather - he agreed.

HIs wife died 6 months before DS was born and even then I started to feel a bit cut off. They were very churchy and he turned to them for support rather than family or friends. I was glad he had some support and just kept in touch trying to provide the things I'm good at (lighter chat, distraction, DVD marathons, shoulder to cry on and rant about the unfairness of life)

Then 3 months after his wife was buried he came round ot see me and said he was in a new relaitonship, I thought it was a bit soon but then he'd really had 2-3 years of nursing a dying wife and if he had found someone to have a drink with and date maybe that would be good. From the way he described it I got the impression it was a light tentative relationship and the person knew about his wife so I thought it was OK.

A few days later i foudn out it was a full on relationship, she was only 19 to his 36, and worst of all....... she had been one of the volunteers caring for his wife whilst she was dying.

i just couldn't believe it, tbh I'm still shakey as I type this. I have very few social hangups about relationships but I had always seen my friend as a devout christian and I couldn't believe he thought this was right.

I met them once for a drink and was told that the new GF had had an abusive childhood spent caring for her mentally ill mother, had come to un and immediatly got invovled in volutneer caring work (inc my friends dying wife) and was now talking about 'caring' for my friend and looking after him.
(she was nice and sinceere but very shy and unsure of herself)
I really felt he was taking massive advantage of her and that she deserved a chance to live her own life. I also felt he had betrayed everything I thought he believed in and I couldnt' beleive he had been developing this friendship with the young girl caring for his wife. It was a horrid evening.

I let the friendship drift after that, especially as he showed no interest in DS at all.

Now he's just got back in touch I don't know what to do. Part of me really wants to tell him WHY i dont' want to continue the friendship but I'm scared of confrontation.

Anglepoise Thu 10-Jul-08 10:50:37

I'm not really sure why you're so anti his new relationship - are you accusing him of cheating on his dying wife? I suspect you will get lots of answers along the lines of "WTF has it got to do with you how old they are or how they met?".

As for the actual question, if you don't want to see him then just let it drift away again, but no, I wouldn't tell him that you disapprove of his new relationship and don't really understand why you would hmm

AMumInScotland Thu 10-Jul-08 10:51:05

Well, I can understand why you were shocked at how soon he started a new relationship, but do you actually know that he was unfaithful to his wife? He may not have started the new relationship until after her death. Even if it was very soon after, longterm illness and death can make those left behind very keen to grab hold of life.

From your description of her, it sounds like two unhappy and needy people who found each other at a difficult time in both their lives, and gave each other some support and strength. Is that really so terrible?

JessJess3908 Thu 10-Jul-08 10:59:42

Are they still together?

zippitippitoes Thu 10-Jul-08 11:09:05

i cant see why you should be concerned about their relationship..if you'd lkike to revive your friendship with him then fine if not then don't

i suspect you don't really want to and also feel a kind of jealousy that he spurned your offers so probably best to put it behind you

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: