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XP wants to try again - finally. Worth giving it a go?

(11 Posts)
Twoddle Wed 09-Jul-08 10:48:50

I posted on here a lot last year about my messy split from XP. It was preceded by a turbulent year involving a spell of deep depression on his part followed by a high. "Bipolar" was bandied around at the time, but never investigated. I spent six months half-furious with him (he went out with a bang, sleeping with three different women in a matter of weeks) and half-trying to persuade him to wake up and see that something was wrong and that he had a family and a lovely life worth sorting himself out for.

He was having none of it. So I focused on me, had some therapy, and have more recently been able to feel forgiving towards him and even become good friends again.

XP is much more his sensitive, lovable old self at the moment - not "high". He has been over this morning, telling me tearfully that he wants his life with me and DS back and is prepared to do all he can to make that happen.

In my heart, I'm sold: I love(d) "old" XP and that life too. When we get along, we get along brilliantly. XP can be tender, caring, thoughtful, a great listener, gentle, warm, blah, blah. BUT my head is reminding me that he did some incredibly hurtful and out-of-character stuff last year, I don't know that it won't happen again (this is obviously on the agenda to be discussed), and it's tough being sat in the fall-out of XP's extreme moods, especially his highs.

I have suggested we take things very slowly: he stays in his flat, we get some outside help and work through a relationship rebuilding programme, and see where it takes us. For me, it is not an option to put DS through the hell of it all going wrong again, so I'm thinking very baby steps. Is it worth it? If it is, any advice?

TIA

NotQuiteCockney Wed 09-Jul-08 11:24:44

Is therapy an option for him? Did he ever get to the bottom of his mood swing, or whatever it was? How do you (or he) know it won't just happen again?

Taking it slow sounds good, but he needs to sort his issues out, surely?

Baffy Wed 09-Jul-08 11:33:07

Agree with NQC

IMO it does sound like it's worth giving it a go.

And I think your approach to it sounds perfect.

However, I think the main thing for me would be wanting him to understand, and address, the route of the problems. Otherwise, like you say, it could all happen again.

littlewoman Wed 09-Jul-08 12:56:29

If bipolar was bandied about but not investigated, it's very important that it is investigated. I have a friend who's bipolar and she does the most out-of-character things when she's manic, and she honestly doesn't give a stuff at the time. Of course, she's so repentent afterwards.

If he is bipolar, it might help you to forgive the things he has done whilst on a high. Meds will also help him not to repeat those episodes.

I really hope things work out well for you, but would advise trip to docs as part of the deal. (((happy for you)))

TheHedgeWitch Wed 09-Jul-08 13:14:18

Message withdrawn

madamez Wed 09-Jul-08 13:17:25

Yup, get a proper, outside, professional investigation of his mental state. If he can't or won't agree then you will end up with him fucking half the neighbourhood again and bleating 'Poor wickle me I'm not well you have to let me off.' every six months or so.

madamez Wed 09-Jul-08 13:18:25

Hang on, apologies if I've got totally the wrong end of the stick here, but are you the one whose XP suddenly started getting all nicey nice just when you happened to start seeing someone else?

madamez Wed 09-Jul-08 13:18:25

Hang on, apologies if I've got totally the wrong end of the stick here, but are you the one whose XP suddenly started getting all nicey nice just when you happened to start seeing someone else?

Twoddle Tue 15-Jul-08 12:32:44

madamez, not totally the wrong end of the stick - I did start seeing someone for a while (it didn't work out and I ended it), and XP knew. However, he was making noises about reconciliation before he knew about this and, personally, with the bipolar possibility in the frame, I believe his change of heart is much more to do with coming down from a high, realising what he's done, and feeling regretful and remorseful.

Since starting this thread, I have talked with him about my concerns about bipolar. To his credit, he listened calmly and respectfully, something he could not have done whilst on a high last year. I have said that for me, it is imperative that this possibility be investigated and, if necessary, treated if we are to consider reconciliation. He is quite emotional and scared about it, but has acknowledged the obvious connections with the symptoms and admits being on a high last autumn. I have said I will support him in going to see someone, if he wishes, but that looking into this largely has to come from him. He's taking this in and it's early days.

What a rollercoaster - but mostly, I'm feeling OK. Thanks for support. You are all right: the bipolar possibility has to be explored.

HappyWoman Tue 15-Jul-08 18:14:44

Dont feel bad and dont let him make you feel bad about theat either - dont know much about bi-polar but do know all about h who wants out and then has a complete change of character and heart and 'comes back'.

It is a rollercoaster and it sounds as if it could work out and that you are doing the right thing wrt to slowly slowly.

carry on with your own therapy too and make sure this 'new' relationship is much more on your terms.

It can work - however badly he has behaved but you need to make sure you understand and move on from then.

Also please do go and get checked out at a sexual health clinic before you jump into bed again - this is sensible for you both now.

And lots of good luck to you too - it will be hard and only you know if it right for you and ds.

Kimi Tue 15-Jul-08 18:17:16

Littlewomen said it better then I ever could, good post LW

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