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What would you do?

(13 Posts)
TheHedgeWitch Wed 09-Jul-08 10:12:18

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bethoo Wed 09-Jul-08 10:20:12

difficult but i personally think she is using him. i know it sounds horrid but remember that teenage girls can be self centred an not meant to offend anyone here. i am not tarnishing all teenage girls with the same brush. i would stop sending her money since he already pays maintenance. keep the contact there but admit that it will only be a one way thing for now. i am sure that as she matures here feelings may change and do nto forget that her mother may be influencing her decisions as i do nto know the relationship between your dh and hsi ex iykwim.

Hassled Wed 09-Jul-08 10:24:53

WHat a horrible situation to be in. Firstly you don't know what the mother is saying about your DH, and how much this has affected the DSD's behaviour. Secondly teenage girls are often pretty self-centred (IME). All I can suggest is that your DH writes a letter explaining how he feels and emphasising how much he wants to be a part of her life, and see what happens.

wornoutbyarguing Wed 09-Jul-08 10:25:19

firstly well done for keeping the good stuff going your dp must be really upset.
dont give up on her as she will want to be more of a part of your life one day.

secondly your dsd is 15 its the orrible adolescent cant be bovvvered stage of life and i think its teenagers generally.unless someones does it all for them they cant be bovvered(know it well)
they dont value all the effort you make (yet) because they are too busy with their own lives.

at 15 she is going to be more interested in her life and tbh my son was like this too at not saying thank you,getting in touch or doing anything that involved any gratitude.

i ahve to buy my dh cards from son even now as he would just forget.

i think keeping in touch ,inviting her to visit and sending cards and stuff is all you could really do.

give her time and keep up all the contact.

good luck

Baffy Wed 09-Jul-08 10:30:44

I think that if she has been brought up to see her step father as her dad, (and it sounds as though her mother has never encouraged her to care about her real father), she can't help the way she is. His ex has taught her to be that way.

At 15 I'm sure she has no concept of what this is doing to her father. And frankly, I bet she doesn't care.
This sort of thing should come from her mother, and be encouraged by her mother, and it clearly isn't.

I think all he can do for now is take a step back. As painful as that will be. Pay the maintenance but stop sending all the extra cash. Send birthday and christmas cards etc so she knows she's loved and not forgotten. Make sure she knows she's welcome to see you at anytime. But leave it at that.

I think one day, when she is grown up, she will want to know him and make the effort herself.

But he can't force it sad and I have to say I'm actually really angry about his ex because I really do believe she is the root of these problems.

Awful situation.

TheHedgeWitch Wed 09-Jul-08 10:38:31

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Elkat Wed 09-Jul-08 11:09:48

I've never been in this situation, so what I have got to say is probably of limited use...

But I suspect that the DSD cannot ever remember your Dh really being a part of her life, given that they split up when she was two and he has been kept on the outside ever since. I also suspect as others has said, that her mother has raised her to see her step dad as her 'dad' and she probably does - after all, he is probably the one who was with her when she was ill at night, went to see her in the school plays, did all the 'dad' stuff with her. Sorry if this seems harsh, but the fact is (through no fault of your dh - it seems the mother has engineered it to be this way) that her 'dad' to her is her stepfather. Your Dh is probably just viewed as her biological father but not her 'dad'.

That's probably not what your dh will want to hear, but I do agree with what the others have said... it sounds as though you are doing all the right things sending cards, remembering her birthday etc and making it clear to her that you do want to be a part of her life etc. But I suspect with the money, she is just using your dh as a bank whenever she needs to. If your happy with that to continue, then that's fine... but I don't think you should feel obliged to give her any money for trips and the like. (I remember your previous post about the money for the holiday) I would (if if arises as an issue again) that you are not just a cash machine - and I think it will be easier to do that once the DSD reaches 16 - that almost gives you a legit excuse then, so it might be easier to do it then without you seeming to be arsey iyswim.

But, please do not let your hubby say to this to DSD - It seems so often that this comes to a crunch time at 14 /15 years old and I have tutored lots of girls who have been devastated by dads (who I suspect are in a similar position to your dh) who give the message (probably unintentionally) that they don't want to be involved in the girl's life any more - I've seen it happen a few times now and it really screws the kid up. So please, don't let him say anything to the daughter - it will almost certainly be taken as 'my dad doesn't want to know me any more' type thing - even if that is what you are not saying!
HTH

TheHedgeWitch Wed 09-Jul-08 17:48:43

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ginnny Wed 09-Jul-08 19:08:07

Teenage girls are by nature very very selfish. I can remember being like that with my dad at that age (although he wasn't much of a dad unlike your dh) and I have friends who say that their teenage dds only seem to care about money for clothes, the next party/holiday/boyfriends etc.
I would back off without actually saying so, keep up the cards and regular money but stop all the extras.
Hopefully, by th time she is 18 and has grown up she will come back, and appreciate all her dad has done for her over the years.

itati Wed 09-Jul-08 19:11:40

I would set up a proper maintenance arrangement. Send her birthday cards, etc and expect nothing. Anything he does get will be a bonus and when she grows up a bit she will realise how lucky she is to have a father like him.

prettyfly1 Wed 09-Jul-08 19:22:49

oh i feel really sad for you. you dont know what the mother has been saying - she obviously doesnt have much respectfor your partner. give it time. i was a selfish witch at that age and angry with it. its part of the age. keep trying but dont attempt to buy her. stay in touch and help out but dont put yourself out for holiday money etc any more. let her come to you. your partner sounds really lovely - a lot of men would have given up a long time ago so i really hope it works out one day!!

MissingMyHeels Wed 09-Jul-08 19:35:20

My parents split when I was 18mths and my Dad is great, saw me three times a week, had all the time in the world for me. I was still a bitch to him at around 15 - also coincided with him having my brother and then twins within 18months of eachother.

Only now as a parent can I imagine how hard things were for him and how much support my Step Mum needed yet he still saw me twice a week and I was still an evil selfish teenager, forgot his birthday, ran up HUGE phone bill etc. Am so ashamed now and we're all really close, it was just a phase as lame as it sounds.

Could your DH fly out and spend the weekend with her, just the two of them?

onlytheone Wed 09-Jul-08 22:25:58

It's hard but I feel that she does love her Dad and cannot show it for whatever reason. She needs him, although it doesn't feel like it. Hang on in there, and do not let him wash her hands of her. She needs support and help.

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